Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

You can just call me Human Xanax

Leta: Mom, am I going to have to get braces?

Me: Hm… that’s not something we can really tell right now. We’ll have to wait until you’ve lost more teeth and see how they all grow in.

Leta: I’m scared to get braces. I really, really, really don’t want get them. They look like they hurt.

Me: Well, I had them what? 23 years ago? And I only have one nightmare a week about them.

Leta: YOU HAVE NIGHTMARES? STILL?

Me: Oh yeah. It’s the same one, over and over again, too. At least once a week.

Leta: BUT—

Me: It goes like this… I show up to my six week appointment — that’s how the whole orthodontist thing goes, an appointment every six weeks or so, or at least that’s how it went 23 years ago — and I realize that I haven’t been wearing my rubber bands.

Leta: RUBBER BANDS?!

Me: Yeah, you hook these tiny rubber bands between teeth to help them move faster. Anyway—

Leta: RUBBER BANDS?!

Me: I’m lying there about to open my mouth and I know that he’s going to know that I haven’t been wearing my rubber bands. And that means that I’ll have to wear my braces for ANOTHER SIX WEEKS. UGH!

Leta: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?

Me: This? What? OH! See, I don’t have nightmares about the pain! It’s not the pain that haunts me all these years later. It’s the idea that I might not have been the valedictorian of braces.

Leta: …

Me: What I’m saying is you have nothing to be worried about. Unless you forget to wear your rubber bands and then you’re screwed because hello weekly nightmares!

No Comments

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more

SaveSave