This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

To: Mom

Yesterday Leta presented me with this blue valentine card that you will have to agree is one of the most incredible things ever created. There I am in an amazing outfit! So amazing, in fact, that she is super sorry it doesn’t exist in real life. UGH! I have to stick to my boring wardrobe and just imagine that I’m wearing something this exquisite.

And that’s not even my favorite part. No, not even close. My favorite part is that I have no neck. My head is just attached to my torso. And it’s as wide as my torso. And my skirt is so short that you can see my perfectly square lady parts. Just focus on that and you won’t freak out about the fact that I have no feet. You didn’t know that about me? Yeah. Boating accident. Drunken boating accident. I don’t like to talk about it. Lost my nose that weekend, too.

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