the smell of my desperation has become a stench

To: Mom

Yesterday Leta presented me with this blue valentine card that you will have to agree is one of the most incredible things ever created. There I am in an amazing outfit! So amazing, in fact, that she is super sorry it doesn’t exist in real life. UGH! I have to stick to my boring wardrobe and just imagine that I’m wearing something this exquisite.

And that’s not even my favorite part. No, not even close. My favorite part is that I have no neck. My head is just attached to my torso. And it’s as wide as my torso. And my skirt is so short that you can see my perfectly square lady parts. Just focus on that and you won’t freak out about the fact that I have no feet. You didn’t know that about me? Yeah. Boating accident. Drunken boating accident. I don’t like to talk about it. Lost my nose that weekend, too.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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