Heater, Mother of Lance

Avon just needs to sponsor my whole blog

Saturday morning I drove the girls down to my mother’s house so that all of us including my stepfather could head down in one car to see my cousin’s baby. I had told my cousin that I would text her when I got to my mother’s house to see if she was still up for a visit because I remember what it was like during those very early days of having a brand new baby. You remember, too, don’t you. One morning you realize you haven’t changed out of your pajamas in four days, and then an hour later you’re so high from having successfully showered that you’d gladly host the Olympics in your living room.

And then if anyone goes, dude, calm down, you’re not going to host the Olympics, okay? You’re like, I just washed my hair. Organizing an event that size could not possibly be any harder. Someone get me the president on the phone NOW.

She responded to my text that she’d need a little time to clean up a bit, and right then my mother noticed the bracelet I was wearing on my arm:


Which reminds me… the family who bought the old house found a rattlesnake in the backyard. This one:


Tyrant says it looks just like the one he and Marlo saw. Maybe, and this just a theory, but I’m thinking he returned because he missed Marlo’s lisp.

My mom expressed surprise at the idea that I’d wear something so “fancy” although this is about as fancy as I get these days when it comes to jewelry. I go through phases and the one I’m in now is no earrings, no necklaces, and very minimal bracelets, not exactly what you’d expect from the daughter of the Avon World Sales Leader. You hear about my mom and what she’s accomplished and the fact that she won’t walk to the mailbox without being dressed in a suit, and you’re like, I bet every inch of her daughter’s skin is covered in rhinestones.

She said she had a vintage bracelet somewhat similar to what I was wearing and if I was interested in it she’d let me have it. And then… and then… no wonder my kids hold my mother in higher regard than Santa Claus and Jesus and even Batman for that matter.



Yeah. My mom and her collection of Avon jewelry. And her willingness to let my kids TAKE IT HOME. I cannot compete with this. Unless something horrible happens to Disneyland and I can make my kids believe it was all my mother’s fault.


Marlo modeled a pair of clip-on earrings for my cousin:




I wish I had been taking video because right here she’s saying, “Do you see thisth? DO YOU? Becausth I am STHTYLISTHH!” Although it does kinda look like she’s singing, “Errbody get up!”

  • schmutzie

    2013/07/17 at 4:55 pm

    My mother was an Avon lady, and we had the entire collection of ceramic lady and kid perfume bottles. My favourite was the little boy with the hoop and stick.

  • Ivy

    2013/07/17 at 5:03 pm

    holy shit, whaaaa? That snake is a fatty too! aaaahhhhhh and it’s in the hood?!!
    oh sweet baby jesus.

  • kmpinkel

    2013/07/17 at 5:43 pm

    Marlo’s face in the second to last picture makes me laugh sooo hard. Its like she is saying, “No way! A rattlesthnake? Ain’t nobody goth time for that!”

  • Stephanie Reidy

    2013/07/17 at 7:09 pm

    So fun to play with jewelry as a kid… still is. Surely the Avon World Sales Leader can arrange for a little bit o’ sponsorship. Present it as a challenge and she’ll jump on it!

    Pictures are great (of the girls – the snake I can do without). And what a sweet baby – I miss the sleeping baby’s breath on my chest! You cousin looks like she COULD host the olympics. I was never that put-together in the first few weeks. Still struggling with it 8 yrs later…

  • Stephanie Reidy

    2013/07/17 at 7:12 pm

    I had the kid perfume collection, too! I felt sooo grown-up when I put it on, and I would put all the different scents on together. The people in church must have wanted to puke. Maybe that’s why was always got pew to ourselves!

  • zombiegreen

    2013/07/17 at 7:39 pm

    Aww, poor snake. It looks like it’s been badly injured. If the new house owners felt the need to kill it, I hope they did so quickly.

  • Jancave

    2013/07/17 at 9:09 pm

    That last photo kinda gave me a flash of a future World Avon Sales Leader of Truck Stops. Wearing that exact same outfit…..flashing her dimples as she is telling customers about that snake she kilt when she was a youngun,

  • talonsage

    2013/07/18 at 12:46 am

    Oh yeah? Well my mom sells BOOKS. And takes her granddaughter to BOOK. SALES. For BOOKS.

    Leta can start in with the unfairness now. 😛

  • kacy

    2013/07/18 at 6:55 am

    oh how I wish you had been recording that too…..please have Marlo recreate the moment

  • dashransome

    2013/07/18 at 7:37 am

    Marlo speaks Parseltongue!

  • KC Ramone

    2013/07/18 at 9:00 am

    My grandmother sold Avon in the 80s, and she always had a goodie drawer of extras (jewelry, makeup, odds and ends) that I was allowed to raid whenever I was over for a visit. This post brought back lots of good memories! Though I’m sure my mother’s attitude toward the Avon drawer was similar to your feelings to your mother letting the girls take whatever they want…

  • Allyssa Wheaton-Rodriguez

    2013/07/18 at 9:12 am

    My grandmother didn’t sell Avon, but she loved to frequent garage sales and thrift stores. She always let me dress up in her jewelry. Such fond memories…

  • Sharon

    2013/07/18 at 1:18 pm

    I’m curious about the miniature basketball

  • bushra

    2013/07/18 at 2:05 pm

    oh my. am hoping Marlo channelled Little Edie in those pictures…

  • issascrazyworld

    2013/07/18 at 3:49 pm

    That last photo is classic. Just love it so very much.

  • Thrift Store Mama

    2013/07/18 at 9:13 pm

    My grandma had a lot of costume jewelery. Not sure if it was AVON, but it was in similar style. Some of my fondest memories are of sitting on the floor going through the drawers and drawers of jewelery and looking at each piece. She died several years ago and the few pieces of her that I asked to have are among my most treasured possessions.

  • Thrift Store Mama

    2013/07/18 at 9:13 pm

    Hey – my mom sells books too !

  • mdpendley

    2013/07/19 at 7:27 am

    Am I the only one who thinks Shadrach (sorry, no comments open on that picture) looks exactly like Tyrant with a wig? I thought that’s who it was!

  • Michelle Boehm

    2013/07/19 at 7:46 am

    You tell Kenzie that she looks amazing!!

  • KristenM

    2013/07/19 at 7:53 am

    Holy Shit. That is uncanny! He does look like Tyrant with a wig!

  • Jenny @ stuff-i-love.com

    2013/07/19 at 10:56 am

    I like how there was a mini basketball mixed in with her jewellery collection

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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