An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Conversations in the car

Marlo: “Hey, Leta!”

Leta: “Marlo, you don’t have to scream.”

Marlo: “I went to a birthday party lastht night and there was a parrot there.”

Leta: “Okay, first of all it wasn’t last night.”

Marlo: “Yesth it was!”

Leta: “No, it wasn’t. It was like, last week.”

Marlo: “IT WAS LASTHT NIGHT!”

Leta: “And I was there, too. Remember?”

Marlo: “No you weren’t.”

Leta: “And that wasn’t a parrot. That was a dove. Very different birds.”

Marlo: “It was a parrot and I held it and then I took it home.”

Leta: “You did not take home that bird.”

Marlo: “STHHHHHH! I HID IT IN THE BATHTUB!”

……

Marlo: “Hey, Leta!”

Leta: “Mom, can you make her stop screaming.”

Me: “Marlo, stop screaming.”

Marlo: “I went to a birthday party lastht night and there was a magisthian there.”

conversations

Leta: “Marlo, we talked about this yesterday. That party was not last night, okay?”

Marlo: “STHTOP! I’M NOT DONE!”

Leta: “Marlo—”

Marlo: “He opened a boxth and a horsthe jumped out.”

Leta: “That was not a horse—”

Marlo: “And I got on itsth back and rode around the mountain.”

Leta: “I WAS AT THAT PARTY WITH YOU, Marlo. And that wasn’t a horse. It was a rabbit.”

Marlo: “IT WASTH A HORSTHE. With big earsth. And a tail. And we rode around the mountain.”

Leta: “Mom, are you listening to this?

Me: “Yes, intently. I am waiting for her to say that the President flew in to give her a medal.”

……

Marlo: “Hey, Leta!”

Leta: “Let me guess. We just got into the car and you’re going to tell me about the birthday party you went to LAST NIGHT. The birthday party that I was at WITH YOU. The birthday party that happened LAST WEEK.”

Marlo: “MOM! LETA WON’T LET ME TELL MY STHTORY!”

Me: “Leta, let’s see what she has to say this time.”

Leta: “FINE. Go ahead, Marlo.”

Marlo: “I went to a birthday party lastht night—”

Leta: “See! She’s doing it again!”

Marlo: “FINE! I WON’T EVEN TELL YOU ABOUT ALL THE MONEY!”

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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