the smell of my desperation has become a stench

My welcome home

I walked in the door last night at about 10:30 PM my time only to discover that Chuck had peed a giant puddle all over the kitchen floor. Tyrant had been watching them yesterday and had let them outside to do their business not three hours earlier. How do I know it wasn’t Coco? The only time Coco has peed in the house was after hearing a frightening strike of lightning, and it was just a very tiny spot in the entryway where she was keeping watch. What we found last night was a veritable lake of urine. He said neither dog had experienced any accident anywhere the entire time I was gone.

It was as if Chuck had been saving up for my return. He gifted me this instead of a fart. I have no idea whether to clap my hands or sternly stand here with them perched on my hips.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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