the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Four out of five dentists agree

Yesterday I my regular six-month cleaning and checkup at the dentist and my hygienist asked me how hard I brush my teeth. I asked her how hard was too hard and as she started to answer me I stopped her and said, “Whatever it is, multiply that times 100.” Apparently you’re supposed to be really gentle when brushing your teeth, but somewhere along the way I got a little obsessive about keeping my teeth clean and decided that I have to scrub them like dirty pots and pans. I’ve wanted plaque to be scared of me!

Terrible idea. Do not follow my lead on this one. Love and caress your teeth as if they are the most valuable of all the glass eggs in your collection.

Other than that I got a clean bill of health. No cavities! She suggested I invest in an electric toothbrush which I’m going to look into, but for now I’ll use these that she sent home with me. Next time I will earn a “GOOD JOB!” star sticker, so help me god.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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