An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Another delivery from my sister wife who knows how to shop

Last week the FabFitFun Fall subscription box arrived and when I opened it I thought I was playing a game of How Many Clowns Can You Fit Into A Volkswagen Beetle. It was like I was pulling rabbit after rabbit after rabbit out of a tiny top hat, and I thought, whoever packed this box could travel to all seven continents with just one piece of carry on luggage. I bet this person never attempts to take off his shoes in the TSA Pre line or hogs the armrests from the person in the middle seat, and I kind of want to marry him for this character trait alone.

I am a seasoned one-piece-of-carry-on-luggage traveler—when I visited Bangladesh with Every Mother Counts back in 2011 I brought one piece of luggage for nine days, and I was proud of myself until the photographer who was documenting the trip asked me, “Do you always dress like a boy?”

Listen up, Josh, YES I STILL REMEMBER YOUR NAME: that was the hottest, muggiest weather I had ever experienced in my life and I was told I’d have to dress as modestly as possible given the culture. My hair was in a blonde pixie cut, so I may have been walking around looking like an eight-year-old boy who accidentally fell into a pool with all of this clothes on. Cut me some slack.

This fall box is packed with an assortment of beauty, fitness and lifestyle products, and as I unpacked it I kept stumbling on yet something else and couldn’t believe they fit all of it into one box. Again, this box retails for $49.99 but always has a value over $200.

 

This box contains all of the following:

Mer Sea Scarf

I have a few upcoming trips scheduled, and I always travel with a jacket or scarf even if I’m going to a tropical locale. Planes get cold, sometimes really cold, and this was designed with travel in mind. It will double as a way to keep warm in the air and as an actual scarf when I’m on the ground walking around listening to music and taking photos. WAIT. TANGENT AHOY:

I was going to say, “Please don’t try to talk to me when you see that I have headphones in my ears,” but one night in Paris I was walking to the Louvre by myself listening to music, and a man walked out of a store onto the sidewalk beside me. When he looked at me I was compelled to pull my headphones out of my ears. We both said hello and he told me he was from Guadeloupe, an island in the Caribbean that happens to be a French territory. He spoke very little English, but he was desperate to learn more. So I invited him to accompany me to the Louvre to take photos. We spent the next four hours walking and laughing and having a couple glasses of wine while talking to each other entirely through translation apps on our phones. There may have even been a few tears. It was an extraordinary experience, and I was struck by the fact that I had gone to Paris to experience magic and it had unfolded around me so effortlessly that night.

Point being: Sometimes you might want to take your headphones out of your ears.

Trestique Lip Crayon

Private Party Gym Bag

I have not ever owned a proper gym bag—I always stuff everything awkwardly into my purse—so when I show up tomorrow with this on my arm my trainer is going to take my temperature and ask if I’ve got a case of the vapors.

Whish Mud Mask

IMM Living Jewelry Holder

Fun story: I was at a fundraiser for a nonprofit and was mingling with people who have a lot of money—people who don’t routinely scratch their butts in public, if you know what I’m saying—and someone saw my Chuck necklace and asked me if that was the name of my spouse. I was in a terrible emotional place at the time and absentmindedly blurted, “No, he is my dead dog.” She slowly backed away from me without saying a word.

Deco Miami Lavender Cuticle Oil

MyTagalongs Cold/Hot Pack

DpHue Apple Cider Hair Vinegar Rinse

BLow the Belt Mia Belt

Charity Partner: UNICEF

This month FabFitFun is bringing awareness to Unicef to help bring education to children around the world who don’t have access to it. Approximately 263 million children and youth around the world are out of school. UNICEF is working to do whatever it takes to support a child’s right to learn.

FabFitFun is offering dooce readers $10 of your first box, just use coupon code DOOCE10 at fabfitfun.com. You have to act fast because each sesons’s box tends to sell out.

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This post is brought to you in partnership with FabFitFun.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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