An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Don’t promise to give your kid anything from this delivery until you see this delivery

Last week Leta’s trial contact lenses arrived and there is a long story to be told about how incredibly and surprisingly fast that kid got those things into her eyes and the look on her face when she saw the world for the first time without glasses on her face. I posted about it on Instagram, but let me just explain why I sectioned off four hours out of my calendar for this initial contact lens experience: remember in the 80s when colored contact lenses were a thing? Yeah. You’re old like I am. I wanted to have green eyes for fun. So I tried to put one of my friend’s green contact lenses into my right eye and seven weeks later I was still standing in her bathroom leaning as close to the mirror as possible, a three-foot-deep puddle of my own tears covering the floor. I never did get that thing in. And I am still mad about it. I could have had green eyes for a few minutes!

Afterward she talked endlessly as we drove to my mailbox about the edges of leaves and buildings and things she had not ever quite seen before. At least, not seen like this. She wanted to get contact lenses for a few reasons, one of them being that her eyelashes are too long to wear mascara when she is wearing her glasses. WHAT A PROBLEM TO HAVE. And I wanted to give this to her because, yes, I want her to see leaves, but she works so hard in every other aspect of her life that I’m constantly looking for ways to encourage and reward her. And it was on that drive to my mailbox that I informed her that I was picking up the FabFitFun Winter Box and that she could have anything she wanted out of it this time. Boy, did I ever speak too soon. MINUS TEN POINTS FOR THE WELL-MEANING MOTHER WHO JUST GAVE AWAY ALL THE STUFF IN HER FAVORITE BOX YET.

Today’s post is obviously in partnership with FabFitFun, and they are offering dooce readers $10 of your first box with coupon code DOOCE10 at fabfitfun.com. You have to act fast because each season’s box tends to sell out. It retails for $49.99 but always has a value over $200.

When I loaded it into the back of my car I initially thought, hm… this feels a whole lot lighter than it usually is. What if they sent out designer fake snow? How on earth would I remain calm? I WOULD NOT REMAIN CALM IS HOW. I’d throw it all in my driveway and not ever shovel it. Just like I would normal snow. Just leave it all out there to harden and crack and make me very aware yet again that I live in Utah. Bah humbug. GRUMBLE. GRRR. FART BUCKETS.

But then Leta helped me open it, and I am not proud to admit this as someone who has suffered through 16 straight winters in this state. I never realized that a lot of the stuff you use in winter is fluffy. Like, kinda similar to a Corgi without the actual dog-inside-of-it-part. Winter stuff is warm and soft and cozy. And as much as I love summer, I far prefer winter clothing. I am just now achieving this level of consciousness which means all that meditation that I do not do is working.

First up:

Mark & Graham Colorblock Throw

Fluffy. Warm. Soft. Cozy. And huge. No wonder the box was so light. I’m currently gifting Leta a room makeover as well, and this will be perfect with her new bedding. Marlo was jumping up and down behind us trying to get a better look inside the box, and she said, “Oh, I want that—“ right before I pulled out the next item.

Richer Poorer Socks

Over the knee socks. Let me repeat: OVER THE KNEE SOCKS. Marlo proceeded to do a word for word, movement for movement reenactment of this scene:

I told her if she wanted her own over the knee socks to get her own FabFitFun box! Kids thinking they can just have free eyesight and socks. NOT EVEN.

Thrive Causemetics Eye Brightener

I saw a similar product last week somewhere online that I meant to bookmark and buy, so this is a big win. Because of course I didn’t bookmark that product. Too many movements of my wrist! You put this around and underneath your lower lashes and it makes you look like you’ve actually slept for more than two consecutive hours since you had children 14 years ago. It’s like a magic pen. Leta routinely sleeps 15 hours on weekend nights and then naps for four hours on Saturday afternoons so I pointed at my bloodshot eyes and said, “MINE.”

AHAVA Hydration Cream Mask

I have loved this brand since I got their intensive hand cream in the FabFitFun Winter box last year. And while Utah’s dry weather is amazing for my hair, it’s brutal on my skin, especially in winter. This couldn’t have come at a better time.

BLAQ HydroGel Eye Mask

I am going to annoy so many people with my Instagram stories where I’m wearing these as I put Marlo to bed. Why yes, I am here reading next to my child with leeches underneath my eyes, what are you doing with your life?

BEARPAW Headband and Glove Duo

Leta really wants these since she walks to the bus at 6:40AM every morning, and I really want them since I walk Marlo to school about 90 minutes later. Technically, Leta wins the pain olympics, and I told her she could have whatever she wanted from the box. So I am not going to let her have them.

Lele Sadoughi Necklace

But I am going to let her borrow this.

Bite Beauty Lipstick

I don’t know how I lucked out by getting a box with the exact shade of lipstick that I wear, but I did, and this is the exact shade I wear. It’s a wonderful neutral-yet-not-too-neutral color that goes perfectly with my Serena Waterford costume.

Anthropologie x MerSea Body Cream

FabFitFun is offering dooce readers $10 of your first box, just use coupon code DOOCE10 at fabfitfun.com. You have to act fast because each season’s box tends to sell out.

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This post is brought to you in partnership with FabFitFun.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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