• RazDreams

    *Anything* from McDonald’s (before they started selling healthy stuff)… Goes right through ya.

  • http://shutyomouth.ordinarymorning.net djmofo

    what worked for me was:

    working for a shitty company
    working with shitty people
    having shitty anxiety
    having shitty depression

    for some reason, i shitted (shat?) a LOT back then.

    poop well and prosper

  • http://www.xanga.com/amphotericzygote zach

    I have never taken longer than 6 minutes to poop. I was amazed when I came to college and saw that it took all my dormmates around 20 minutes to poo. For me, they just slide right out and it never takes more than 15 seconds.

  • http://coolbeansmama.blogspot.com coolbeans

    This is a poopload of comments.

    When I was pregnant, a bowl of popcorn every night kept things moving. With butter. And salt. In the big bowl. With root beer.

  • http://calebwalker.typepad.com ken

    I want to know why so many folks (my wife and two dogs, for instance) are obsessed with daily poopage. Is it really that important? I go when my butt tells me to – usually a couple times a week – yes, with a MacWorld – and I’m never in discomfort about it. If I’m on the can more than once in a day, it’s usually after some of those special stomach pains. Poop.

  • http://www.bybeautydamned.net Maria

    This oughta teach you to ever open up your comments section. Damn girl, if you can write about poop and get this many responses, I’d hate to see what would happen if you started writing about politics!

    I just have this image of you trying all these suggestions; drinking prune juice, taking vitamin C, eating all the crazy things that people have suggested, and ending up beneath an avalanche of your own shit. Hahahaa. I’m sorry. That wasn’t funny.

  • Ginny

    If you’re not terribly graceful and don’t want to fall off the toilet mid-poop, instead of using the racing position, get a foot stool and rest your feet on it whilst pooping. Hey, I used “whilst” and “poop” in my comment!

  • http://www.bybeautydamned.net Maria

    This oughta teach you to ever open up your comments section. Damn girl, if you can write about poop and get this many responses, I’d hate to see what would happen if you started writing about politics!

    I just have this image of you trying all these suggestions; drinking prune juice, taking vitamin C, eating all the crazy things that people have suggested, and ending up beneath an avalanche of your own shit. Hahahaa. I’m sorry. That wasn’t funny.

    Honestly though, these comments have had me going from laughing my ass off to rolling my eyes until it hurts. Some of these are hilarious. “Canuck” Canadians are all regular poopers. HAHAHAHA! “Sarcastic Journalist” with the pencil? HAHAHAA! “Oh Dear” with the grave advice about going twice a day. shuddup.

  • http://www.sarcenet.org ellie

    Ok, I have a confession. I was one of those annoying people who emailed a suggestion to you, Dooce. Sorry. But I was just so gosh darn excited to see someone making it FUNNY!
    But I thought others looking here for suggestions might find this helpful:
    I am totally with you on the constipation. I have been to several docs, tried all the holistic solutions, eaten fiber till I practically vomited, all to no avail. Public toilets are right out, as are the squatters–I live in Japan and whenever I try to go in those my legs go numb!
    Anyway, what works for me:
    every night at bedtime, take 1 gelcap of liquid magnesium, 400mg and 1 gelcap of Surfak, 240mg with water. This has the advantage of constantly lubing up your bottom system without the nasty effects of laxatives and fiber. According to my doc, it is not addictive and has no ill effects. Sometimes I poop every other day, sometimes only once or twice a week, but this makes sure that no matter when I poop, it’s tolerable!
    Good luck to everyone with broken bottoms!!

  • nance

    You almost get as many comments as Zach Braff gets on his blog. And he wrote/directied/acted in a movie. that is freakishly COOL.

    poop.

    i eat weird things so many that’s why i poop regularly.

  • dave p

    “that’ll help the browns get to the superbowl alright.”

    Wipes tears from cheeks…

    Whew that one just caught me by surprise…

  • http://heavydutypower.blogspot.com Thel

    Hm, after 460 comments has nobody mentioned the incredible poop-moving powers of garlic?

    There is a pizza place here in Seattle called Pagliacci’s. And they make an Agog Primo pizza with mushrooms, goat cheese, tomatoes, kalamata olives, and roasted garlic cloves. Oh, the yummy roasted garlic cloves, which I can no longer eat on this pizza because of the incredibly noxious gas they cause the next day. But they do keep the poop moving, that’s for sure.

    I’m not sure trading constipation for noxious gas would be all that enticing, but hey–your body, your choice.

    I sincerely hope one of these almost-500 comments has something helpful for you, dooce.

  • contessa

    the magic word is ‘sugar.’

    I ate this butter pecan french toast on vacation in Georgia which had to have been made with approximately 47 pounds of sugar. To keep myself from getting instant diabetes, I guzzled like 4 liters of water immediately after I ate the french toast. Within 2 hours the urge to go #2 was so extremely pressing (literally) that I *RAN* to the nearest bathroom where I gave birth to a giant sugar baby. That poop was so big, in one piece, it was a good 12-incher for sure. The poop of my lifetime. The poop of twelve lifetimes. The answer is sugar.

  • Kate

    I drink 16oz of coffee everyday on my way to work. By the time I get to my desk and log into my computer, I have to poop. (yes, I poop at work, saves me money on toilet paper).

    It may increase my chances of Osteoperosis, but I get to wake up and poop!

  • zchamu

    Unfortunately, I don’t. For me, “regular” means “once a week”. It horrifies my husband. But I do find that bran cereal and lots and lots of water at least make things less painful.

  • http://lenalive.typepad.com/the_me_yet_to_come/ Lena

    Oh, how I love to talk about poop, but the only thing I love talking about more is edamame!!!!! I eat it every day pretty much obsessively. I’ll eat a whole bag without even flinching. I’m so glad others are as addicted.

  • zchamu

    Ooops, and poop.

  • jane d’oh

    Unfortunately, I have to side with the people who say it’s an individual thing. I am rather like an old car that hasn’t been well-maintained when it comes to pooping: I either can’t go or I can’t stop.

    I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this yet (because GOOD LORD, 400+ comments?!), but the one thing that always got things moving for me (far too quickly, IMHO) was the MSG at the Chinese restaurant I frequented in college. To this day, my husband and I call my suddent sprints to the bathroom “the Pine Yard effect.”

    FWIW, my daughter goes every few days, stays in there for a LONG time, and then comes out to announce the toilet is plugged – AGAIN. I think this is partly due to heredity and partly due to the fact that she’s a rather intense kid.

    LOVE your blog! Eat a kitty for me (I hear Siamese are particularly tasty).

  • http://www.christianholt.org Christian

    Dole Yellow Cling Sliced Peaches in Light Syrup. And even if they don’t work – mmmmmmmmmm.

  • Loretta

    A good curry works wonders.
    Dried apricots, prunes.
    Also, horrible childhood memories of mum threatening (and actually doing it) to insert supposotories if I didn’t go every 24 hours.
    What’s wrong with reading on the loo? It’s the only place I get any privacy.

  • http://www.christianholt.org Christian

    Er… mmmmmmmmmmm, poop.

  • rahrah

    i poop twice a day, in the morning before my shower, and in the late afternoon after returning home from my sit-down government job… my housemates do not like my taking over of the lav, but i have a stash of old home beautiful-type magazines rather than take my book… though my female housemate takes recipe books in with her… an absolutely repellant behaviour… and the other housemate, a male, takes the house phone in and chats: which means i have to steal alcohol wipes from my sit-down government job to wipe the phone over after he finishes…

  • Sunday

    For every bodily problem, there is an opposite and equal bodily problem.

    Dooce: I have Crohn’s disease and poop on the average five times a day. A day. I have to take baby wipes with me everywhere because if I use standard toilet paper (even fancy toilet paper) I will accelerate the formation of anal fistulas and lesions. For those of you that are still not vomiting a little in your own throats, anal fistulas are holes that form up inside the anus and follow down the exterior of the anus. An extra anus, minus sphincter. It is agonizing. I take much medication for it that doesn’t work. I have loose stool 99% of the time, and when I am constipated (I can count on my hands the times this has happened in my entire life), I am in awe. My condition makes it difficult to get a job since I have to use the restroom so frequently that most people don’t believe me. I’ve been accused of doing drugs because of the many trips i take to the restroom (no kidding). Also, since the disease isn’t embarrassing enough on a daily basis, doctors refer to an occurance I have as Dumping Syndrome: when I have to go, *I have to go*. Instantly. I’m sitting there, talking to someone, eating a hoagie and BAM, hoagie down, person asked to excuse me is a spray of shredded lettuce and italian meats, and I’m off to the nearest bathroom. You’d be surprised how many establishments can look a grown woman in the eyes who is doing the potty dance and say: “We don’t have a public restroom.”

    I’m sorry about the constipation, I really am. If nothing has helped yet, it never will. Sorry.

  • http://slightlyinsanemom.blogspot.com kayla

    Constipation is not something I have ever experienced, alas.

    However, I can tell you how to get a constipated toddler to poop.

    Wrestle him into a swim diaper that is one size too small, then a hand-me-down bathing suit, also too small.

    Gather up 437 items that you can’t go without for an hour at the swimming pool.

    Strap your struggling toddler (“me walk pool!!!”) into the stroller, and walk the quarter mile to the pool.

    Force his arms into a slightly-too-small swim ring. Carry him into the pool.

    Wait five minutes.

    Voila! Poop.

  • Heather

    Your posts make me very grateful for my well oiled bottom system.

    Of course I still want to play by your rules so …

    POOP!

  • Annie

    If Jon’s once-every-24-hour poop amazes you, you’d be shocked at my at-least-three-times-daily routine. My only way to explain it is that I eat a vegetarian diet. For about 9 years I did the pasta, bread, Doritos vegetarian diet, but recently I switched to one in which I eat a pound of raw vegetables (basically a big salad) and a pound of cooked vegetables (2 big mounds of broccoli and spinach or whatever at dinner) a day. If that doesn’t make you poop, I don’t know what would. Not only do I poop, but I poop GREEN (which is exactly what my nutritionist says I should be doing). Thanks for providing a place to tell my poop story.

  • Poobah

    There’s a joke about a cocktail with prune juice and vodka called a Piledriver. (An espresso shot chaser would make it kicky). After three drinks, you forget your ane.

    I am also reminded of a story a friend told me about her italian uncle who had to be hospitalized for being stopped up for WEEKS. When he finally pooed, he would demonstrate by karate chopping his inner forearm at the elbow and proudly exclaim, “eet was thees beeg!”

  • http://www.scallion.sp00fed.net James

    1) I poop in about 10 minutes.
    2) I’m male. HAH!!
    3) I don’t have MacWorld in the bathroom, I have Concrete Wave and Skateboarder magazine.
    4) The reason you got 400+ comments for this post is that we all have something in common; we all crap.

  • Lene

    Licorice is your friend.
    Flax.
    Also, stewed prune… er, dried plums. Stew a bunch, put them in the fridge and eat chilled – quite nice. Add a bit of milk and they become yummy (it’s a traditional Danish dessert – I suspect the reticence we seem to be know for causes constipation on a national level).
    Lastly – develop lactose intolerance and you will always have a handy cure. When I have pooping problems, my last resort is a half glass of milk and within 20 minutes, off I go. ;)

  • http://www.celebrity-babies.com Danielle from Avon

    As a lifetime constipatee, I totally sympathize and plan to try the edamame. Apricots often do the trick for me but they give me nasty gas. I started taking fiber pills lately. It remains to be seen if they work. Apples work ok but not if I’m too backed up.

  • charis

    one word: magnesium! i have IBS with constipation and oh, the heartbreak. in high school, before i knew, i had back pain so severe i went to all these specialists because i thought i might be dying of some kidney disease…nope, just a pooping malfunction. so, one 250mg magnesium supplement in the morning with my scoop of knox nutrajoint in OJ, and i am actually pretty regular (and in under two minutes!) its a beautiful feeling.

  • Irena

    I recommend an herb called Triphala, which you should be able to find in any health food store. It’s the most popular Ayurvedic herb used in India. It supposedly has other benefits, such as purifying the blood, detoxifying the liver, and helping digestion and assimilation. All in all, it’s a great tonic for the entire gastrointenstinal system.
    My yoga teacher also recommends the following exercise be performed on a regular basis: squat and essentially perform Kegel exercises, but with your bottom system orifice.

  • Elise

    I had no experience with constipation until my toddler had it. She gets it every once in a while and there is nothing sadder than seeing her try to poop and then get red-faced and start to cry because it hurts so much. I read all your poop posts with great empathy (or is it sympathy? I can never remember which is which) because of having to watch that sad spectacle. Usually we just give her a lot of apple juice and it clears itself up in a few days. I hope for her sake and based on your descriptions that it doesn’t last into her adult life!

  • charis

    just a zelnorm warning…

    my doctor put me on it for my IBS w/ constipation and it definitely loosened things up…way up…
    i perfected the Clenched Cheek Slow Walk (so that co-workers would not raise eyebrows)but after i actually didnt make it to the loo one time i had had enough. i pretended my tears of embarrassment were caused by a migraine of epic proportions,then went home and burned the rest of my prescription while dancing around it in the nude.

    that being said, try it if you like, it may work for you, but be aware that hershey squirts and projectile diarrhea may be the price you pay!

  • Brandie

    Poop makes the world go ’round. I always get constipated when I am on vacation. The rest of the time I am fairly regular (from 3 times a week to twice a day). I’m lactose intolerant, though, so I have to stay away from the dairy or I’ll get so crampy it’s miserable. Cracks me up to see the advice that dairy causes constipation.

    Anyway, from the “it could be worse” files, I wanted to tell you about a friend of mine who came down with a rare disease that destroyed the muscle function in her trunk, so that whatever muscles are responsible for moving the poop out couldn’t do their job. She didn’t poop for two whole months. Her doctors had her drinking a whole bottle of perscription laxative a day, and nothing happened until her muscles finally started working again. I’ve never seen anyone so miserable in my life.

    Also, your favorite athlete should be the St. Louis Cardinal’s Albert Pujols because his last name is pronounced “poo holes.”

  • Jennifer

    I always had the opposite problem, I used to poop up to 4 times a day when I was stressed out. That was until 9/11. I lost my home, my studio, my sense of security, my mind and my amazing ability to poop. I would go many many days with out a single poop. I was breaking out from it and had dark circles under my eyes and lower back pains became a regular feeling. This went on for 2 years and it was ruining me. I tried everything and then with the advice of a friend, I finally went to an Acupuncturist (something I had never quite understood and did not care to understand).

    He told me that I couldn’t poop because I lost everything and my body didn’t want to give anything else away… not even poop. I thought it was a far stretch… not pooping because I’m sad… but he was right on the money! Rather than trying to “fix” a single problem, Acupuncture treats the body as a whole entity. So he didn’t tackle the poop problem directly. Instead he went to the root of the problem and treated me for a number of stress and security issues and taught me relaxation techniques to get my body back in balance. I was put on herbal treatments and it totally helped me. It’s still a struggle, but I learned that your digestive track is completely connected to your mental and emotional state. When I get constipated I do nightly relaxation techniques and tell my self “everything is going to be OK, you can let go of things. It’s all going to be OK” while doing breathing exercises. I know it sounds flakey… but I recommend going to a GOOD and CREDIBLE Acupuncturist and taking an Aloe Vera supplement. Hay you have nothing to loose, that’s what I told myself and it worked. Good luck!

  • http://shenuts.com sarcastic journalist

    I don’t know how I stay regular as I’m pretty unregular (once every 3 days) and my husband goes TWICE a day but the internet told me not to stick a pencil up my baby’s butt to get the poop out.

    So don’t stick a pencil up your butt.

  • http://www.inertially.com rob

    I’m usually a 2 a day type dude. I like to read gaming mags in the loo and sometimes Men’s Health for a bunch of health tips that I ignore.

    However, when I travel, I go 5-7 days at a time before I poo. Then, after I break the seal (so to speak), I have to poo every time I take a leak. I’ll start pissing, thinking it’s just a number one, crack a fart and have to pinch it off to get turned around in time to explode in the bowl. Then I come home and it takes a couple days to get back to normal.

    This one time, I drank an entire family sized bottle of Pepto on a dare and didn’t poo for a week. When I did, it was a foul-smelling pink brick. Think about that next time you unwrap a piece of Hubba Bubba.

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/katekite katekite

    i drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning, and i’m pooping in no time!

  • http://www.logcabinlog.blogspot.com log-cabin-it

    i can’t believe i just read all this poo chat, felt one coming on, ran out to the outhouse and couldn’t do it.

    this is a problem for me, but it’s a fine line between having a poo and having too much. i can’t seem to down coffee and dried plums when i know it’s an outhouse i’m dealing with.

    i would rather go poo-less than squirty.

  • Canuck

    Move to Canada. We’re all regular poopers up here.

  • Sascha

    All these comments about poop and no one’s mentioned the Poopie List? What’s up with that?!

    Alright, here you go…
    * * * * * * *
    “The Poopie List”

    Ghost Poopie — The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

    Clean Poopie — The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

    Wet Poopie — The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won’t ruin them with a stain.

    Second Wave Poopie — This happens when you’re done poopieing and you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

    Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie — The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

    Lincoln Log Poopie — The kind of poopie that is so huge, you’re afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

    Gassy Poopie — It’s so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

    Corn Poopie — Self explanatory.

    Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie — The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.

    Spinal Tap Poopie — That’s where it hurts so badly coming out, you’d swear it was leaving sideways.

    Wet Cheeks Poopie — (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.

    Liquid Poopie — The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

    Mexican Poopie — It smells so bad, your nose burns.

    Upper Class Poopie — The kind of poopie that doesn’t smell.

    The Surprise Poopie — You are not even at the toilet because you are sure you’re about to fart, but OOPS! — a poopie!

    The Dangling Poopie — This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
    * * * * * *

    Love your site, Heather! Keep on Pooping!

  • Oh Dear

    The reason it’s important to poop twice a day (not just once) is because of how extremely toxic it is for you otherwise. When you go, there should be two to four pieces and they should float. When you wipe, there shouldn’t be much to wipe. Gross to say, but very important. People who suffer from serious constipation in their younger years usually have serious medical problems in their older years, often requiring various surgies. For all the healthy eating we do, one of the true signs of excellent health is pooping every day (twice) and as described above.

  • http://www.NetLark.com Bryan

    I poop everyday, sometimes at the same hour in the early evening. But I’m also very sad and lonely. I guess I have something to be thankfull for.

  • http://heavydutypower.blogspot.com Thel

    Oh my word, all this time I’ve been thinking the weird bookstore/library thing was my unique freakiness. Seriously, how much of a dork do I have to be that visiting a place with lots of books makes my body so excited my bowels loosen? I have never taken a trip to Powell’s City of Books in Portland without pooping there. NEVER. And usually within the first five minutes.

    I’m not very regular normally, so after I figured out this bookstore cause-and-effect, I have actually been known to visit a bookstore if I haven’t pooped in too long. Works like a charm.

    Oh, and the leaning back on the toilet thing, too. Good trick.

    Thanks, internet, for helping me find other freaks like me: the Laid-Back Bookstore Poopers.

  • disgusted

    Sorry, but I hate seeing women discuss their bowel movement patterns so publically. I grew up believing that girls don’t poop.

    I just don’t think Heather ought to discuss her bowels out in the open. It’s just not lady-like.

  • kath

    I poop plenty. Anything for breakfast and 2 cups of coffee makes me poop. If I eat lots of red meat for dinner I poop a whooooooole lot more. I think it’s a constitutional thing — you just need a constitutional amendment…

    You and Jon share your food? That’s so cute!

  • http://www.anti-aliased.net Jaia

    Surely no blog-savvy person would dare use the word “ladylike” without knowing the flames that will follow?

    I’m not taking the bait.

  • http://heavydutypower.blogspot.com Thel

    Of course, visiting the bookstore may not actually be a common remedy for constipation, now that I think about it, so my comments are basically useless.

    On the other hand, maybe you could make it work for you, too. Never know what might get the poop moving…keep hope alive!

  • amy

    Please, someone tell me what edamame is??