• Cora’s mommy

    Raisin bran.
    Although this in NOT healthy, and I am not a smoker anymore, but everytime I smoke a cig now, I have to poop. Don’t bash me internet, she asked how I stay regular.
    Taking Colace is good too.

  • Christine

    Coffee and Cigarettes. Well, when I used to smoke. Worked like a charm.

    I always had the opposite problem. Explosive butt syndrome. But I suppose, the things I would avoid to keep from pooping my pants, might help you get regular.

    Diabetic chocolate peanut butter cups from Russell Stover; any hamburger from Wendy’s (I must make sure I’m with 10 steps of a toilet only minutes after eating one); junk food fried in Olestra.

  • Stacey

    A tablespoon of Apple Cider Vinegar in the morning…

  • http://www.coconutsgalore.com Autumn

    Things to eat when you want to poop (at least they work for me): prunes (bleck!), edamame (yummy salty green goodness), coffee (starbucks does it everytime), refried beans from Topanga…but you probably don’t have a Topanga…so come to Vancouver, I’ll take you there.

  • Fiona

    The key to regularity is FRUIT, and plenty of it. The water and fibre content render it more advantageous than vegetables for prime poopage (although veggies are important, too). Eat at least 2 pieces of fruit per day, and better yet 3 or 4, and you’ll see results.

  • dk

    i used to be exactly like you. like, pooped every 3 days. i started getting colonics (yes colonics, i thought it was icky too, but it’s not as bad as you think). it took me a whole 2 years to even fathom doing it after i had first been encouraged to try it. but now i am regular!! and i have much better skin too, actually. the skin change is amazing.

    oh, and i eat a LOT of greens. that helps tremendously,too. at lunch and dinner, spinach or kale or some very green greens.

    and lastly, don’t underestimate prunes. these are the best in the world: http://www.stdalfour.com.hk/

    but really, like a sink, if you are stopped up, you’re stopped up, and you will need a good cleaning.

    colonics. really. i swear.

  • claudia

    this will get you going:
    http://www.wildrose.com/products/specialty/6436.htm

    i absolutely swear by it.

  • Amy Eileen

    Swiss Chalet Dipping Sauce…not even finished my meal and I am knocking waitresses over trying to get to the Pooproom. Also Mother Parker’s coffee…aka Tim Horton’s. My man has serious pooping issues, he drinks a litre of water first thing in the morning, a bowl of bran and boiled veggies for dinner.

  • http://elisson1.blogspot.com Elisson

    What am I, number 517 or something? Jeez.

    Nothing like a frank discussion of bowel habits to, er, flush out all the commenters.

    First, this business of “regularity” is highly overrated. It ain’t the frequency, it’s the difficulty that determines whether you’re constipated. But I assume you already know that.

    I don’t know of any “magic bullets” aside from All-Bran and prune juice. Or prune juice on All-Bran. Or other dried fruit. Tasty and full of fiber, too!

    And you are absolutely right about the two-minute rule. I’ll admit, sometimes I will bring a magazine into the can with me, but the crappin’ is done well before the readin’. Two minutes is plenty time enough. If it’s not, you probably didn’t need to crimp one off quite yet.

    You should probably publish this post and all of the associated comments as a paperback book…bet it’d sell! Heather, you made (ahem) my day.

  • http://agirlandherlife.blogspot.com Tuesday

    Aloe tablets work for me. My Aunt turned me onto them and aloe tablets & I are in love.
    You see, I am not a regular girl.

  • http://www.littleblackdog.ca Meg

    I never actually thought about it as ‘keeping regular’, which I find interesting. Maybe I’m just lucky?

    Anyway, I drink water. Lots of water. Which may keep me regular but is equally annoying because of the miles I log on my pedometer tromping to the washroom to *pee*.

    Final note: I always heard that people who spend ages on the throne with their reading material or crosswords have problems with ‘roids. Is that true? Anyone?

  • http://storyqueen.tblog.com denise

    i think a lot of people were just really relieved to have a sanctioned forum for talking about poop. you opened the floodgates, so to speak.

    i 200 the motion that coffee induces poop. also, my husband is the quickest pooper EVER. he has the fastest metabolism in the world. he usually has to poop urgently within about 15 minutes after he eats. and if he knew i was posting this, i think he would be kind of mad.

  • http://www.mariposo-arte.ca/bikeblog chicamaravilla

    FLAX.

    and coffee. oh, yes. the coffee.

  • http://terremaman.blogs.com/terremaman/ Heather

    My two year old pooped on the couch the other day as she exclaimed “Uh-oh! Ew!” I’m not a regular poo-er either, so don’t be worried! I like your name!

  • http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily/10_15_2004.html#comments Kelli

    >>when someone says, “My favorite food is ice cream,” THAT DOESN‘T MEAN THEY EAT ICE CREAM FOR EVERY MEAL.

    That doesn’t mean they DON’T eat ice cream for every meal, either…

  • kristin

    alas, i have no poop advice but i want to tell you how much i love your blog! and that husbands pooping with macworld is the funniest, most true thing i’ve read all day.

  • http://doeatthis.blogspot.com Marika

    CULTURELLE, which has eliminated my CONSTANT gassiness and bloating (ever since I was a child, NO MATTER WHAT I ate), may also help nurture a gastrointestinal tract which tends to be constipated.
    poop
    I just love to preach the word of Culturelle–it has set me free!
    google it

  • http://www.upsaid.com/snowshoe snowy

    i am a regular gal, but i feel for your pain. anecdotally, whenever i go water skiing and take a “bad spill” i inevitably have to poo RIGHT AFTER and SOOOOOON(!). so maybe that lends some credence to the good old enema method.

  • http://www.dooce.com dooce

    the prime pooping position is as follows:

    The Motorcycle Racer Position
    As you sit down on the toilet seat — tightening your butt muscles and supporting your weight with your hands — move your feet backwards toward the midpoint of the bowl. Slowly shift your body so that you angle away from the back of the toilet, with your weight balanced on the balls of your feet and your thighs. Once you are in this position, relax and let go of your waste.

    YEAH RIGHT. IT AIN’T EVER THAT EASY.

  • http://moxiemoron.diaryland.com Moxie

    Uncle Sam cereal in the morning. Corn at night.

    What I REALLY want to know is if anyone else can hold the teetee all day, but when you pull into your drive you are sprinting to get into the house, dropping bags and purse flying so you dont wee in your bloomers?

  • http://www.goblinbox.com Mush

    Frequency of evacuation is based on body type; in the West there’s this idea that “healthy” and “normal” are quantifiable values that are the same for everybody. They’re not. Some folks poop less often than others. It’s a fact.

    To keep it happening, try the following:

    1. Drink half of your daily water intake hot. Yep. Hot. Like tea, only without the tea bag. It’s weird at first but you’ll start to like it. You can get a little thermos or something.

    2. I know this is probably impossible with a baby, but you can try: make sure you’re asleep between 10 PM and 4 AM. Those are the hours during which the body does its housekeeping. People who are chronically awake during those hours aren’t getting the rest and repair they require. (Ideally, you’d go to bed at 9:30 and get up at six. Seriously.)

    3. Like this is gonna happen, but still: Avoid all stimulants including coffee, tea, and alchohol.

    4. Also easier to say than do: Decide your body type is just fine as it is, and try not to have negative feelings about the fact that you’re not pooping as frequently as most of your friends, relatives, neighbors, and acquaintences. Doubtless there are things your bod does better than theirs: maybe you’re airy, worried, and constipated, but you’re not fat or zitty and probably never will be.

  • Keri

    A latte and hard boiled egg gets things moving along pretty well in the ol’ AM. REALLY well.

  • http://howdoyoulikeme.blogspot.com/ jw

    By bank statement does it for me. Everytime I see it, it scares the sh*t out of me!

  • http://www.millhousecreative.com rosswog

    Once in my life I was a every 4 days pooper… then I ate at a McDonald’s in Interlaken Switzerland, followed by another showing at McDonald’s in Bern Switzterland… both of which made me very ill (I was travelling with the quintessential Ugly American, who refused to eat anywhere that wasn’t “American”).

    After that, if I eat anything even with the slightest amount of grease, I have to make a run for the bathroom. I like to call it ‘Flash Projectile Pooping’ which gives you about 2 minutes warning before blowout.

    I am pretty sure what happened was in Interlaken, my body reached maximum lifetime McDonald’s intake (which is something like 3 meals). The second McDonald’s intake, in Bern, I think my body was saying, “Okay pal, you obviously didn’t get the message, you are going to pay for this the rest of your life.”

    The short of it, fix your constipation by eating at McDonald’s in Interlaken and then Bern Switzerland in two consecutive days and you shouldn’t have non-pooping as a problem for the rest of your life. Instead your problem will involve secret symbols to your partner that says, “See that I am pale and sweating profusely, we better get the HELL out of here or I am going to teach California what a Brown-Out really is.”

  • Leon

    Knowing full well that this does nothing to solve the continuing lack of consistent poopage dilemna.

    Just try to keep things in perspective.

    It could be a lot worse.

    If little Leta could speak, she would say, “Mommie, you could be pooping so violently that it shoots out your britches, up your back, and INTO YOUR HAIR.

    ….see if Jon stays with you after you have to explain why there’s poop in your hair

  • http://howdoyoulikeme.blogspot.com/ jw

    MY bank statement. Sorry for typo.

  • Todd

    Why is it so important to poop? If you gotta go, then go. If not, count yourself privileged to not have to wipe your butt every day.
    I timed my poop today…three minutes and 45 seconds. And that included unwrapping and using an individually wrapped “moist towelette.”

  • lisaann

    someone mentioned frozen poptarts, but when in truth the yummiest thing on earth is a toasted strawberry poptart with butter. ah, the butter. YUM.

  • http://none Andrea

    1) I think coffee keeps me regular. I haven’t really begun to read all the other comments, but I did catch a glimpse of one that mentioned a coffee enema?! Anyway, that’s not what I mean…I just mean drinking a cup of coffee every day (and decaf seems to work nearly as well as full strength) keeps everything moving. I do like mine pretty strong, so I don’t know if that makes a difference. I do know when my own sanity is in a bad place (another PPD survivor here) caffeine definitely tends to be something I want to avoid; if that’s true for you too, stick with the decaf! Within 30-60 minutes, the poop should be moving.

    2)Men don’t read on the toilet because they need to. Any man who tells you that is lying because they are protecting an ancient secret, which is…they KNOW (as women do, once we become moms) that it’s the one place they can go without being interrupted, so they get a little reading in while they’re in there. Of course, this doesn’t work as well for moms, because kids tend to pound on the door while you’re in there, if not insist on coming in with you. But. Basic idea still applies.

  • embarrassed

    i got sick of reading the comments around 300, but here are my two pennies:

    i’ve struggled with fissures and hemmorhoids since i was a baby (i vaguely recall soothing/lubricating vitamin e goop being applied to my bottom system by my ever-patient mother, bless her heart.)

    when i’ve got a big, hard poop, i do three things:

    1) get in the ‘feet up on the bowl’ position

    2) rock back and forth

    3) (and this is the embarrassing one) once the poop is at the gate, so to speak, stretching things out, i put my hand down and press on it from the outside. it evens up the pressure on the sensitive thin skin there and makes the burning and straining less harsh, and bleeding less likely.

  • http://heather-anne.com Heatheranne

    Dooce:

    As if I really want to think about all that when I’m pooping. I think if I tried to do that, I would get so worried about whether I was doing it right I’d get performance anxiety and not be able to poop.

  • PoeticaL

    you get gifts…you get misunderstood. You don’t want comments…you DO want comments. It’s all really a fair trade off isn’t it?

  • Angielala

    Flax Seed Oil… marvelous stuff!

  • http://www.eurodrivegear.com Chuck Cheeze

    I go whenever I feel the urge. Which usually is 0-3 times a day, and this sentence is more thought than I have put into how often I do it in years.

    My wife is a whole ‘nother story. Her and her mom love to talk about it, the issues with it, the colour and the shape, etc. Well, maybe not that bad but whether they did or didn’t comes up a lot more that I would ever think it should.

    So what do I do to stay regular? Not worry about it. When it happens, there must be something knocking on the door. When it doesn’t happen, I have plenty of other things to think about…

  • me

    Dried apricots. Works a treat..

  • Angielala

    Should clarify… get the Flax Seed Oil tablets. My mom swears by them! She’s the only one in a family of 4 with a constipation problem and she used to take laxatives weekly… since she started the Flax Seed Oil tablets, she hasn’t had to take laxatives once, and has a poop every 24-48 hours. (Unlike my brother, who can’t finish a meal without having to take a dump… I kid you not, 3 times a DAY! My sister-in-law gets so aggravated at him when he has to leave the table at a restaurant to go contaminate the bathroom!)

  • hunt

    I have tried to explain to my husband that most girls don’t like to sit in their own stink so most of us are in and out. Coffee works for me! But I also drink a crap load of water too.

  • http://dementeddelusions.blogspot.com/ Michelle

    Hi! Not sure I have much to offer other than some food for thought.

    For years I had problems with diarrhea (sp?). Couldn’t eat out at restaurants b/c the food would make me sick and then sometimes even homecooked food gave me the runs. My stomach was just very sensitive.

    The conventional diagnosis would be IBS or Restaurant Syndrome.

    HOWEVER, once I stopped the pill I was fine. No more diarrhea. I could eat at restaurants and not worry about having to make a mad dash home, my husband driving like a bat out of hell b/c he thought I might blow in the car.

    Going through fertility treatments, I notice a correlation between my hormone levels and my pooping levels. The more drugs they give me, the less I poo or am more likely to run. When I am left to my own devices I am fine.

    The pill is the most widely used form of contraception and IBS is predominantly a female disorder, I have to wonder if there’s a connection?

    And, btw, I too will listen to Satan music and allow my child to play with sharp knives. You aren’t the only one! :)

    Michelle

  • Mr. Obvious

    I can’t believe that no one has mentioned this yet. http://www.colonblow.com Haven’t tried it myself – chickenshit you might say.

  • robin

    Coffeee and dried plums. No, they are no longer called prunes. The new way they market them is dried plums. Then I don’t feel embarrased to buy them. But they make them in orange essence flavor. Yummy.

    Of course, if you have trouble, I doubt prunes, i mean dried plums, will help. But that’s what helps me.

    Also, my mom says after she eats that carb counter ice cream, she’s in the bathroom within 2 minutes. No joke. She used to eat the dried plums…now she just takes a bite of that ice cream. :)

  • Barbara

    Just one minute is all I need.

    Some people go to the restroom, sit on the toilet to wait?

    Try going when you really need to.

  • Jess

    I used to be very constipated in childhood and high school, and it went away when I started drinking coffee. Aside from coffee, public speaking usually does it for me. I get the nervous poopies there big time!…my fiance and I have had great discussions about how regular is regular. He learned in medical school that “regular” is a range: 3x/day to once every four days. Rest easy knowing that you fall in the normal range!

  • http://www.bevanandjen.diaryland.com Jen

    Best way ever to ensure you can poop at least 4 times a day and only take 4 minutes to do the deed: get yourself some colitis! Works wonders for me. Sorry I have no actual advice and am being a smartass.

  • http://chookooloonks.typepad.com/chookooloonks Karen

    Try doing small amount of public speaking or a life-or-death type presentation every day. I find a good dose of abject fear always encourages the poop reflex.

  • Joe

    Wish I knew a secret formula for pooping, but my own system has been out of whack ever since I had my gallbladder removed. The only things that are certain to “start the commotion” are (1) an extra strong dose of caffeine (in my case from double-bagged cups of hot black tea) or (2) coca-cola. Coke never used to affect me at all, but since losing that pesky organ I might as well be drinking 20oz of intestinal lubricant.

    Maybe the key is just to have your gallbladder removed, so that your body is less capable of processing fat in the short term, but I don’t really recommend it :/

  • jen

    How to stay regular:

    Stop fretting over the negative comments made by people so uptight they probably shit diamonds from all that built up self-righteous pressure!

    Gosh! Freakin’ idiots!

  • http://www.elfcakes.com/blogg Erika

    I think I have the opposite problem – I poop too much. Especially when I eat a huge bowl of cherries. I start getting the tummy rumbles and then it’s a mad dash to the pooper.

  • http://www.dannryan.com Dann Ryan

    Wow, it’s a sad when the highlight of my day is being able to comment on dooce.com, anyways, I was out this weekend and I saw a t-shirt that said “I need more cowbell” and had almost exactly the same cowbell image as the top of your site, I instantly thought of you. Isn’t that scary??? AHHHH GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!

    oh yeah, poop.

  • http://www.crazyus.com bdk&e

    The Plunger:
    2 shots Vodka
    1 scoop Citrucel
    8 Oz. Water

    Works on even the most stubborn clogs.

    (I had to post this somewhere, didn’t I?)

  • heater

    i’ve never been “regular.” at least as far back as i can remember. my husband, on the other hand, thinks something is wrong if he doesn’t poop at least twice a day. must be nice. pizza, carnitas fajita burritos from chipotle, and anything from the local authentic mexican restaurant usually do it for me. and i DO have to have a magazine or something to read, otherwise, it won’t come out. i’ve been known to read the back of the hairspray, contact solution, whatever is on the sink if there is no magazine around.
    love your site!