Jon's 44th
In an attempt to shed the forty pounds I gained during my pregnancy with Marlo I've gone back to eating that one boring diet where you eat healthy green things and avoid all those processed white things, so this means I haven't had a Hostess Donette in almost seven weeks. The strength! The willpower! The inconsolable crying into my leafy green salad!
The first twenty-five came off pretty fast, what with the almost eight-pound baby, the placenta, and the gallons of water I'd retained in my face. It's those pesky last fifteen that are going to give me all sorts of problems, and I think I'd be fine with this extra weight except for the part that none of my clothes fit. And so I'm still wearing my maternity pants and shirts, and I swear to God, the first stranger to ask me when my baby is due is not going to live to tell the story about how some crazy Southern woman in Humpty Dumpty pants jumped into her car and ran them over.
SO BE WARNED, CURIOUS STRANGER.
Anyway, last Friday night we realized that we'd run out of healthy green things and anything containing lean protein, and after scrounging around our bare pantry we settled on a dinner of black beans and cheese. Meaning, for the first time in, I don't know, EVER, we didn't have to make a separate meal for Leta.
Do I even need to mention here that she has eaten black beans and cheese for the last, oh, seven hundred meals? The doctor says it's fine because, hey! She's still alive!
I tell you this only because that was the first bowl of beans I'd eaten since giving birth, and lo, it was a big bowl of beans. A colossal amount of beans. Titanic in volume and weight. Maybe I ate so many because I know how to make a good bowl of beans having prepared them over seven hundred times, maybe because it was the first substantial portion of carbohydrates I'd had in days AND I WENT A LITTLE NUTS. Okay, a lot nuts. A colossal amount of nuts.
Any breastfeeding mother knows exactly where this is going. Because, oh my god, was that one of the dumbest mistakes I have ever made as a mother. And that night Marlo had one hell of a time processing all that fiber or whatever it is about beans that gives you gas. It was one of the most sleepless nights we've had since her birth, full of toots and poots and all the moaning that goes with trying to push it out. I mean, she's a loud baby anyway. Throw in that amount of farting and it sounded like a trombone being raped repeatedly by a tuba.
So we don't sleep at all, and Leta comes traipsing in at RIDICULOUS O'CLOCK, and to keep her occupied Jon fumbles around for the remote and somehow manages to turn on the television, I don't know how he summoned the strength to manage it, I am still in awe. That feat ranks right up there with figuring out how to assemble Ikea furniture.
Thankfully the TV is already tuned to one of the kid channels, Sprout or Nick Jr. or Noggin, what are known collectively in our house as The Babysitter, and some whacked out show called "Oswald" is on about this blue Octopus and his pet dachshund, and it happens to be one of those episodes where everything goes wrong. Do I have to point out again how I cannot abide shows like this? My Dad and I, we have this thing about movies and shows where the main character just keeps getting beat up by life (for instance, every movie Ben Stiller has ever made), and I just can't handle it, I start to squirm and suddenly I've pulled out every hair on my head. And thanks to some stupid blue Octopus I'm now bald. MAYBE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO BRITNEY.
So I guess the plumbing in Oswald's kitchen sink is broken, so broken in fact that it floods his house and then goes on to flood THE ENTIRE TOWN, I'D HATE TO SEE THE BILL FOR THAT ONE. And Jon and I are lying there half asleep, the baby between us shooting sparks out of her ass, and we both somehow notice that Oswald is floating on his couch through the town so that he doesn't drown. That's when Jon hazily lifts up his head and goes, "YOU'RE A FUCKING OCTOPUS! WHY AREN'T YOU SWIMMING?!"
And that was how we started Jon's 44th birthday.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. Milla said:
happy birthday, jon! to 150 more!
2. Earthy Beginnings said:
To a very lucky man... Happy Birthday! Cheers from NY!
3. Idgiepug said:
Oh, sweet baby Jesus, I HATE Oswald. Have you seen the one in which the penguin won't get wet? HE'S A PENGUIN! That show makes me stabby. This, for you folks without children, explains the popularity of Spongebob. He's ridiculously funny, especially when compared with all those shows that have a moral or a lesson about life or some other crap.
Anyway, happy birthday, Jon!
4. Allen said:
Yay for birthdays!!
5. Julia said:
Happy birthday Jon!
6. leslie said:
Hilarious. The excrutiating and hilarious events of life with kids.
How do you prepare the black beans and cheese? sounds yummy but i never make beans.
happy birthday jon.
7. Amanda said:
Happy Birthday Jon!
8. Jill Put Up A Blog said:
I want cake. I really really want cake. Not so much the beans and cheese:) Happy birthday Jon!
9. mmh said:
Cannot agree more about Ben Stiller movies -- why is watching him suffer supposed to be entertainment?!!!!
10. Trish said:
Dear LAWD, you have me laughing like a goon daily. THANK YOU!!!
Happy birthday, Jon!!!
11. Jane said:
That was seriously the best spent 10 minutes of my life reading this post...I'm still laughing. Thanks for making my day!
12. Jessica said:
So - I never usually comment on your page, since, well, you get thousands of comments, and by the time I comment, the joke is moot! Anyhow - I just bugged the hell out of my hubby so I could read him the bit about Oswald. He totally didn't get why it was funny. Oh well! You rock. My sister (who has a 2.5yr old and a 15wk old) just finished your book and is telling anyone w/a pulse how awesome it is! I'm waiting til after I have my first child - whenever that day comes!
13. Elizabeth_K said:
The endless "oh it is terrible, but it gets WORSE" is so unrealistic and stupid ... glad Jon was able to point out its obvious flaws --- shows what a smart 44 year old he is!
14. Tami in NY said:
Eating a bean burrito as I read this. Poor Marlo!
Happy Birthday Jon!
15. Jessica said:
Oh, yeah, and Happy Birthday to Jon!
16. Robin G. said:
Well, hell, he's made it through 44 years, so it can't be too much harder from here on out, right? (Excluding, of course, those two years where he has two teenage daughters.)
17. Erin said:
BAHA! A charming story!
18. angela said:
I am all too familiar with the time of day called ridiculous o' clock. Did you know that Fred Savage (Wonder Years) is the voice of Oswald? Yes, I know this because I have watched the credits. Happy birthday, John!! Totally stealing the cake idea for my husband!
19. Anonymous said:
nice full head of hair on that 44 year old head! Hippo Bird Day Two Ewes!!
20. Jessie Leigh said:
Oswald is one of the oddest shows on Noggin. I can't really handle it, either.
Also, that is the best fart-sound description ever. There were giggle tears from reading it.
21. heather{dot}com said:
Watching Ben Stiller movies is even worse than an octopus that can't swim. Way worse.
Happy birthday, Jon!
22. Deva said:
Happy Birthday Jon!
Oswald is an odd show that has made me giggle since it came out - especially since his dog looks like a hot dog :-)
23. Kellie said:
Greatest Start to a Birthday EVER! AND a Star Wars Cake! Heaven!
24. SwedishPankakes said:
I've always wanted a flying bed. But a floating couch would do.
Or, the ability to swim like an octopus would do as well.
Happy Birthday, Jon!
25. Lorena said:
Happy birthday, Jon!
26. Ilyssa said:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JON!
That is an awesome cake Heather! And hahaha, the story about Oswald cracks me up. My 6 year old sister loves that show. But it truly is so obscure!
27. Karrey said:
I want that goddamned cake!
28. Lorena said:
PS--I didn't have to type in something silly to ensure that I was a human visitor. Anyone else run into this? Maybe Dooce just got rid of the filter.
29. devoted fan said:
"shows where the main character just keeps getting beat up by life"
Ummmm Pot? This is Kettle... we need to talk.
I love the trials and tribulations of the Armstrong family and how you always pull it together Macgyver style. With Tape, a tube sock, explosives you have sitting around...and prozac. just like my family. Thanks for making me feel a little less weird.
lots of love and many happy birthdays to come :)
30. Megs said:
The cake is freaking me out. Seriously.
31. Matin said:
and thats why I never eat beans and i dont even have a baby:-) Jon's cake is awesome, im getting one of those for my geek hubby:-)Good luck with the diet, sounds like you are doing amazingly well:-)
Love, M
32. Jennifer P said:
Happy birthday Jon, you're a trooper AND you make cute babies :-)
33. Meagan D said:
Happy Birthday, Jon!
Hope that you all have a great time today!
My husband and son will be jealous of the cake! I also HATE Oswald, it just doesn't make sense.
34. Krys said:
My sister was friends with/dated/liked (who remembers? It was, like, 25 years ago!) Oswald's creator, Danny Yaccarino.
If I ever run into him again, I'll have to thank him, NOT, for that blue octopus.
I'm NOT a fan!
Happy Birthday, Jon!
35. Deborah Wolfe said:
Happy happy birthday Jon!!!
36. tokenblogger said:
Hmmm...
I wonder if it's safe to use "BEANO" when one is breast feeding?
37. Jessica said:
Awesome cake first of all! Secondly, I am so glad to find out that I am not the only one who cannot physically sit through a Ben Stiller movie! I couldn't explain it to my last boyfriend, but the amount of anxiety I experience watching those types of movies makes my stomach twist into a tiny ball! Nice to know I'm not alone...
38. Karen said:
Brass instruments raping each other? Dammit Heather, you are hella awesome. Happy Birthday Jon!
39. Belly Girl said:
Nothing says nerdalicious like a cake with the opposing forces of Star Wars in battle in frosting. Epic.
40. Lisa said:
Oh I love it. Happy Birthday to Jon and thank you for making me laugh so hard I, er, tooted. My family needs no help in the fiber department, believe me, but like the others I'd love this bean-cheese recipe. Bring it on.
The only Sprout-ish show I can abide is WordGirl. I refuse to let my kids watch that other shit. Because then I'd have to listen to it too. And I'm already getting stupid enough from the evening cocktails I inhale. I'm selfish that way.
41. Mack said:
Heather - I still wear flip flops and maternity clothes 10 months later, and I'm les than my normal weight. It's called laziness and not wanting to relearn walking in heels.
Rest assured, with all that breastfeeding, you'll shed the 15 within 2 or 3 more months. Breastfeeding is like smoking. Enjoy it. In a few months, you'll be trying to eat lots of pizza and cake so that you don't get too thin. At least, that's what happened to me.
42. William said:
Happy Day to Jon. May the farts be with you.
43. Lisa said:
Heather, I would not stress the diet too much. I found that my body kept weight on when I was nursing for at least the first four or five months. Suddenly the weight fell off around month five for both of my kids. It didn't matter what I was eating. I personally think dieting now is futile and you really need some good meals to make it through these early days! Just my 2 cents!
44. Missey said:
Re: your baby weight. You'll keep on at least ten of those pounds while you are breastfeeding- your body needs that extra cushion to create milk effectively for your child. So...don't beat yourself up or freak out over your weight, you need it for now!
45. kristin said:
Oswald? That's nothing. Does anyone remember Oobi, the super creepy bare hand puppet? *shudders*
Seriously, can I just forward my kid's future therapy bills to Noggin?
46. Jenny said:
I'm still recovering from the Teletubbies and Oobi to even start to watch Oswald. I would love your recipe for beans too. HB Jon!
47. Jill said:
Okay, one, Happy Bday Jon! Two - I hate those pick-on-and-beat-up-the-main-character movies too! Almost as much as I hate the Borat and Bruno movies and Candid Camera type shows where they do nothing but make people feel stupid and inferior... where is the humor in that? It just makes me squirm too. Give me potty jokes (Marlo's toots) anyday... Now that's funny shit!
48. Kristine said:
Humpty Dumpty has just replaced Fancy as my favorite kind of pants.
49. Rena said:
What a cake! Love it :) Happy Birthday!
50. Lisa said:
Happy birthday, Jon, but, wow, does that cake belong on Cake Wrecks.
51. Del said:
Steamed broccoli and shrimp cooked in a little bit of garlic butter. Throw some salt & pepper on it. Fantastic. 1 cup of each is about 300 calories. Seriously.
52. Sydney said:
Happy Birthday Jon.
I must add that i always loved Oswald my younger brother both watched it as children and it made me laugh. Everyone in the show is so calm and quite all the time, my mom was always wanted to know what they were taking.
53. adrienne said:
our daughter was the noisiest sleeper ever! we started her in our room sleeping, but it wasn't long until she was down the hall without a monitor because she slept like a drunk... gurggling and snoring all night.
happy bday jon.
54. nes said:
I'm a loyal 5-year reader and fan, Heather, and honestly have never before been offended by anything you've said and am usually laughing right along, but your use of the word "rape" here disturbs me. It's an extremely powerful word, and I don't think it should be used flippantly for any analogies whatsoever, and especially not to evoke a laugh.
Perhaps this is related to a recent high-profile rape/murder in my hometown that has been described in uncomfortable detail. Perhaps it is because my partner is a rape survivor. These things undoubtedly make me more sensitive. All the same, I wanted to respectfully voice my perspective.
55. Savanah said:
Happy Birthday Jon, and many condolences to your spark-firing baby! :)
Love ya, Heather.
And god do I want to cook that Oswald.
56. Renee said:
Doesn't children's television drive you completely batty? Spongebob and I have major issues, along with a few others that I wish my daughter was not obsessed with. I wish I could be that mom that doesn't allow her kids to watch TV, but if that is the only way dinner gets made then so be it!
57. Aly said:
Happy Birthday, Jon!
58. a Chris said:
Heehee. I just went through the same thing with the clothes. I had one pair of pants left (jeans I purchased around month 5), plus maternity pants. Breastfeeding did not, contrary to what I was led to believe, help me drop the extra 10. :( It was only six months later when I went back to work and had to ride my bike half an hour twice a day that things started to happen.
Your comments form is so Drupaly. :)
Happy Birthday, Jon.
59. Chris said:
I feel ya! Damn sleepless nights... I mean... babies are great! (big fake smile)
Happy Birthday!
60. SAJ said:
o.m.g. are there only 39 candles!!?!?!??!!!
61. Rachel said:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JON!!!!!
Now that was funny. You, my dear, have much literary prowess to behold. Hopefully one day I will possess that much word power!
62. Colista said:
Happy Birthday Jon!
That has to be the smallest/cutest cake ever!!!
63. Charlie said:
Heather, in the 5 years I've been reading your blog, you have never struck me as a sheep. You don't have to follow the current trend of obsessing over losing the baby weight within 5 minutes of giving birth. Particularly if you are breastfeeding. You are a gorgeous woman with a lovely and healthy family. Relax--you have lots of time to lose the weight in a healthy way that is good for both you and sweet Marlo.
64. the niffer said:
Happy birthday Jon!
Great cake. Hilarious story. I can't believe you put on 40 lbs. You SO did not look like 15 lbs extra. You were all baby, baby!
65. Dianne/LaFlacaD said:
well, I'm sure the beans help you clear out a good additional 2lbs or so ;)
66. Cher said:
Here I was sitting bemoaning the fact that I got paid today and have a whole $75 bucks left til NEXT Thursday, when I read you I forgot all about my troubles and thanked my lucky stars I am now beyond breeding age...OMG, That helped my day so much, THANK YOU
Oh, and Jon, Happy Belated from Mempho...
67. Bearclau said:
It wasn't funny enough that Jon exclaimed that the octopus should be swimming, but a FUCKING octopus... hysterical!
68. Erin said:
Happy Birthday to Jon!
I can totally relate to the issue with Ben Stiller movies when everything goes wrong.."Meet the Parents" was my nightmare! Those movies just drive me crazy and frustrate me to no end.
69. Kristy Merrill said:
Happy b-day Jon! You share a b-day with my favorite cousin. He's 21. Remember 21? No? That's okay... the back 44 will be good too.
We love you guys in our house! Hope you had a wonderful day.
70. Phatchik said:
Happy Birthday, Jon! That story cracked me up, but I have to admit that when I read the part about his floating around on his couch, I immediately thought, "Didn't she just say he's an octopus?" Great minds??
71. Heather @ Mama Sass said:
Happy Birthday to Jon!
Having grown up on The Wonder Years, it pains me greatly that Fred Savage has decided to be the main freaking character on such a gawd awful show.
Why isn't he doing something cool? Like Jack's Big Music Show?
That is all.
72. Caroline said:
Girl, you are hilarious. You make the everyday hilarious - and suddenly I realize how awesome it is that the everyday stuff is really the coolest stuff. Thanks for a much-needed chuckle.
PS your photographs inspired me to take up photography!
73. Brooke said:
Happy Birthday Jon! This post is hilarious. I especially enjoyed the "Humpty Dumpty pants" and the octopus. Kid's shows are so ridiculous. I don't have any kids, but I've watched my fair share with other people's kids. I now know why a good portion of the population lacks common sense.
74. Laurie mom of 3 said:
In case your wondering black licorice has the same effect on nursing we ones. Lessons are never easily learned.
Happy Bithday Jon!
75. Jennifer said:
"Shooting sparks out her ass".
That might be the best line ever written.
76. Raezin said:
Haha! That sounds like something that would be on thingsmyboyfriendsays.com
77. Dani said:
What a great cake! Happy Birthday Jon!
All the best people are born in July (mine was Monday).
78. Carrie said:
I am sitting here burping the hell out of my own baby and wondering what it is i eat that makes him so miserable after every feeding. It's probably coffee, but I can't think of a way to prove that. (Please do not suggest eliminating coffee. I have a newborn and a 2-yr-old who decided to give up her nap and a 5-year-old who learned just yesterday that spray-on sunblock can take the varnish off a dining room table. Coffee is pretty much all I've got going for me right now.)
79. steph said:
Perfect and awesome.
80. Jo-Anne D said:
My boss came out of his office and gave me a really funny look as I was almost peeing my pants laughing through this whole post. I am 22 weeks pregnant and everyone basically chalks up my random giggling fits to "hormones". Ahhh, that was totally what I needed!
81. Monkey said:
Poor Marlo (and you guys too)! I had that happen when I was nursing my son and ate way too much asparagus. Those were some funky baby farts.
This Oswald show actually makes me glad I don't have cable.
82. meg said:
I think describing your child's farts as a "trombone being raped repeatedly by a tuba" is one of your best lines yet. very nice, very nice
83. Kelly said:
I too cannot STAND to watch any show in which the main character is unfairly pummeled by life!!!! I have noticed the same trait in my 8 yearold.
I also hate CITY OF ANGELS because she DIES at the end while buying a pear for her stupid angel boyfriend while he's taking a shower.
ANYWAY happy bday Jon!!!
I like the episode of Oswald where he cant committ to swimming with that flower chick or watching that penguin cop show with his penguin buddy and HEY i think thats the one where he floods the town accidentally.
good luck,
Kelly
84. Amy said:
Jon's cake turned out so much better than this at least :) Happy Birthday to Jon! http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2009/06/star-wars-weekend.html
85. Hollis said:
I hate Ben Stiller movies too - for exactly the same reason! I'm so happy to see it in writing - in your writing in particular because you phrase it all so well. Now I don't feel like such a crank for thinking those kinds of movies/shows are not funny at all. Phew.
86. Laura said:
I totally knew where you were going with the bean thing being a fellow breastfeeding mama. My son is 4 months old and your stories are cracking me up. I can totally relate to everything!!
87. Linsey said:
OMG I HAVE THE SAME "BEN STLLER MOVIE" PHOBIA THING TOO!!
CAPS!!!
This entry made me laugh-out-loud (I also hate "lol") like, 5 times.
88. Amber said:
Too funny. Next time you need a cake, let me know though.
89. Kelsi said:
Happy Birthday Jon! Totally BTDT with breastfeeding and beans, except for me it was cherries - like pounds of them. Poor girl seemed to be up for two days straight!
Best of luck with the diet. I'm trying to lose the last ten pounds, plus the twenty before that was already on, plus the thirty I put on after she was born. You're already doing better than me!
90. Lara said:
Oh my GOD with the beating up the main character scenarios... Hate them with the fire of a thousand suns. If I wanted to see someone get their ass whupped by life I'd secretly videotape myself and relive what happens during my nightly cold cereal dinner routine.
91. meeksies said:
That is awesome. You are such a funny writer.
92. Joy said:
Happy Birthday...Heather's birthday was funnier.
93. Hannah said:
That is, by far, the most awesome cake. Ever. EVER!
94. Adaire said:
Chances are that neither you nor anyone else will read this, but hey, thought I'd post anyway. I am so with you on watching shows/movies where things go wrong! I cannot watch those practical joke shows. It is painful for me to see those poor people being tricked. Also, when I have seen a movie before and I am watching it for a second time, I will purposely skip any unpleasant parts.
Hope the gut problems are resolved soon, and hope you all had a pleasant birthday celebration.
95. BEAT said:
That cake is Cake Wreck worthy. Just saying.
96. Amy said:
At last, someone else who cannot stand those painful "Meet the Parents" type movies. Every time I try to tell people I find them neither funny nor enjoyable, I just get blank stares.
97. Maren said:
Ok, thank you for hating Ben Stiller movies. I get that. That is me. I want to poke my eyes out watching any of his movies. I feel so relieved to not be the only one, like now I can breathe.
98. Rachel said:
I am 34 weeks pregnant and all that talk about beans and cheese and pictures of cake makes me very VERY hungry! Happy Birthday Jon!
99. Jen in NH said:
1. Hostess Donettes MUST have crack in them - what other explanation can there be?
2. Your blog must also have crack in it - can't get enough! I've made addicts of all my friends, am reading my way through the archives (really, I'm not a stalker) and have to force myself to slow down and not read it all in one day.
Thanks for sharing your life and family; it's a great gift on those days when I'm sure I'm a horrible friend, wife, stepmom, daughter, etc, etc to know other people 2nd guess themselves, make mistakes and get over them...are actually human and imperfect like me.
Oh, and the laughter's a big fat help, too.
Happy Birthday and many more to all of you!
100. K*OS! said:
Happy Birthday, Jon!
Hope Oswald doesn't come back to haunt you in the middle of the wee hours again. It's right up there with Tipi Tales and Toy Castle.
101. April said:
I am totally impressed with that hair, Jon! My husband would go all man-jealous on you if he saw that picture. In fact, he had no idea how bald he was on top until we had our first child and on the way home from the hospital he checked the baby in the multiple-mirror system that allows nervous driving parents to see whether their rear-facing infant has barfed on herself or whatever. It was then he saw the reflection not of his darling newborn daughter's bright shining face, but of the shiny patch of naked skin living on the back of his head where hair used to grow. It was quite a shock to him, and the look on his face was priceless as his hand flew up there to verify the nascent chrome-dome. Anyway, happy birthday, Jon. Count your blessings!
102. Colleen said:
Oh man, i'm totally laughing out loud at my desk! Jesus what a funny post that was! Happy Birthday Jon.
I just broke my Dooce comment virginity by the way. Heather you rock and add a little color (maybe cyan) to my otherwise boring day. They don't call them the magical fruit for nothing, damn those beans!
103. Digibutter said:
I absolutely needed this laugh today - thank you so much! Happy Birthday to both you and Jon!
104. Tabitha (From Single to Married) said:
Poor Marlo! Wait, what am I saying? Poor you!
105. Lissa Lander said:
I used to worry so much about characters in disaster comedies that I couldn't enjoy the embarrassing hilarity. But then I medicated the anxiety and initiated a 12 step program in reducing my empathy, and now I'm proud to say that I almost enjoy Will Ferrel movies.
106. Rebecca said:
My grandmother had the exact same placemats... I never thought spying someone elses placemats would put a smile on my face...
107. Beth said:
Ahh, beans and babies. It's like me and skinny jeans...not a great combination. Happy Birthday to Jon. Please tell me you at least had a slice of that fantastically over-iced cake!
108. Dara said:
Can we get that famous bean recipe?
109. Amy said:
Today is his birthday, or yesterday? Mine is today. Happy birthday to Jon.
(and me)
110. The Blushing Hostess said:
Great cake!
A very happy birthday to Jon!
111. BOSSY said:
This is an amazingly funny tribute to a birthday barely mentioned. (Standing ovation!)
112. Sarah said:
Happy Birthday, Jon!
113. Aisha said:
Last year, I spent a great deal of time at a friend's house, and they had cheapo basic cable. Oswald was ALWAYS on at 10 pm, and I always watched it. No one else got my addiction to that awful show, but I love that the show's main character is an octopus who, among other things, frets about drowning.
Isn't he also British?
Happy birthday wishes to Jon!
114. Jennifer Ann said:
Just wanted to say I found this blog a few months ago and have enjoyed your entries immensely.
Happy birthday Jon!
http://jenniferannphotos.etsy.com/
115. Tara said:
No lie. Before you said Ben Stiller, I thought "Meet the Parents". That movie is painful. As are pretty much all his movies.
116. Dorothy said:
Oh my goodness. As a band teacher, I laughed SO HARD at the trombone raped by a tuba line. WILLAKERS.
On a side note - being a teacher, I know a lot of people that know random things. Did you know that children have more bitter tastebuds and therefore prefer things like meat and cheese and candy to vegetables because of it? If you think about it, it makes perfect sense - children are closer to the ground and have a habit of putting anything and everything in their mouths, so before the dawn of suburbia, when walking through fields, if they put plants in their mouth, they would spit it out because it tasted bad and therefore they could be taught by the parents what plants were safe. Nifty, huh?
And #99 Jen - I read through all the archives too. It's ridiculous. We are not stalkers...I think.
117. Kara said:
I cringed when I read the 3rd paragraph. Been there, done, that, repressed the memories of my screaming, bloated infant!
118. Constance the 63rd said:
LMAO. OMG. Shooting sparks out her ass??!! Sorry, that's just hilarious!
119. Natasha said:
Yes! All Ben Stiller movies! And The Office. My husband and I cannot watch them and enjoy them because we are superior empathetic beings and it's toooooo painful.
120. Andrea said:
My eyes got sooooo wide when you started eating the beans!Sorry about your gassy night! haha Still trying to figure out what makes my 4 1/2 week old gassy... oh, everything!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JON! have fun guys, and cute cake!
121. Devon said:
A quirky morning for a quirky family. :)
Sounds like you guys know how to party!
122. Clarabella said:
I'm still bothered by that pesky 15 lbs., & my son is 26 months old. Oy. It's funny you mention the uncouth strangers, too, because that's what finally made me buy myself some new (albeit bigger) clothes. After I ran her over with my car, of course.
Heh, The Babysitter made me snort. My son was unhealthily addicted to "Oswald" for an inordinate amount of time, and his father was consistently bothered by the logical problems on that show. Echoing Jon's perception, I was always confused by why Oswald wears a frakking INTERTUBE when he goes in the water. Ridiculous. And don't even get me started on his talking-flower friend Daisy!
Happy Birthday, Jon!
(My word verification is "swagged late." I wish I could think of something clever to say about that.)
123. Tonya Doughty said:
You are sassy. I like it. I always answered the post-pregnancy "when are you due?" question with an excited "NEXT WEEK!! I am due next week, can you believe how HUGE I am? These TWINS must be 6 lbs each at LEAST." Then they think you are a rail because obviously if this is you at 9 months, you must be stick-thin.
And Second thing, I think our husbands share the same bday, big whoop, I know, but just thought I'd mention it. July 30, but mine is 42 on this one. No octopi shows at our house this morning, but we sure do say fuck a lot. in front of the kids. c'est la vie.
Great post, Happy day to Jon, happy day to you (since you didn't have to get any older today.)
tonya
124. Maggie said:
Oh noooo! Oswald is very popular in our house. I have 2-1/2 yr. old twins, and unfortunately our son, Alex loves Oswald. LOVES Oswald. We have two DVD's which we are forced to put on far too often for my sanity. I even bought him a stuffed Oswald from Japan, via e-bay. Oy vey, e-bay, that cost me a fortune.
I honestly think the one redeeming factor about Oswald is that the voices on the show are all fairly cool people- (well, o.k. maybe not that cool- Fred Savage as the blue octo himself)but the rest of the cast is pretty interesting: Henry (the penguin) is the voice of David Lander, who for those of us old enough to remember this, was Squiggy on Laverne and Shirley. When Henry's cousin, Louie comes to visit, he is the voice of Micheal McKean- (Lenny from L&S), thus re-uniting the comic duo.
Also- the voice of Madame Butterfly is Lorraine Newman (again, for those old enough to remember the original Saturday Night Live)- which does really crack me up. Other famous voices on the show include Tony Orlando, (Sammy Starfish), Richard Kind (Pongo- the 'retard' dragon), Kathy Najimy (Bingette Bunny), and Mac Davis (Bingo- the Rabbit barber).
How do you feel about Peppa Pig? This is the next most popular show, and also Yo Gabba Gabba- which is actually growing on me. It's just so fucking WEIRD, how can you not chuckle!?
Oh- I guess, "Happy Birthday Jon"... from a complete stranger. My birthday was 3 days ago. I turned 41. My brother was kind enough to point out that I'm now IN my 40's....
125. Holly said:
Happy Birthday, Jon!
126. sil said:
hi there. Congratulations to Jon and on the new arrival (I like to follow your blog but it's my first comment)
You may find this useful to lose those pesky extra pounds.. or not.. well, either way here you go ;) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYUXDbWBVlo&feature=channel_page
127. Desiree said:
Belated Happy Birthday, Jon.
As for Leta, don't fret. Growing up I went through "food phases". Each phase lasted roughly one year and included ANY MEAL of the day. There was the "hot turkey sandwich" year, the "tuna" year, the "mac-n-cheese" year, and so on. Seriously, if she continues, it'll make your grocery shopping and cooking life simple. My parents sure loved it! Then, of course, I got complex tastes and it was never the same.
128. Katie said:
Ha! Thank God I have not had the pleasure of Oswald...yet! Happy Birthday to Jon!
129. SuzieQ said:
Having nursed all three of my kids, I can relate to the "shooting sparks" . Can't relate to the "Babysitter" as much..my kids are grown and grew up to Bugs and friends instead. Happy Birthday, Jon. You have a beautiful family.
130. Tamra said:
Well, I suppose it could have been worse, right? I mean... it could have been a colossal amount of beans followed by a bag of prunes!
Oh, and Happy 44th to Jon. :-)
And just an FYI, the Catpcha phrase? "beaned by". No joke! I figured that was all too appropriate.
131. Christina said:
..."sounded like a trombone being raped repeatedly by a tuba." Okay THIS is why your #26.
132. Wide Awake Wife said:
Happy Birthday Jon!
Why do the best tasting foods give nursing babies gas? Like 9 months of worrying about what you're eating isn't enough torture!
133. No.17 Cherry Tree Lane said:
Not to mention his little penguin friend is rude and dumb. (Oswalds, not Jon's).
134. Kari said:
Please post that bean recipe! I'm curious to know what about beans could taste so good that a child would eat them for every meal.
also the last 15 lbs stink. I've been working on them for 9 months to no avail.
135. Girlbert said:
Hot tip on the weight loss thing: JUICE! You'll feel amazing, and you won't even miss those lil Donettes.
And, not that I have this experience, but it could be non-stop family entertainment.
"What should we juice next? Broccoli, carrots and apples?"
"YUMMY!"
Yeah, my boyfriend and I are dorks. Very easily entertained. But we feel awesome...
136. Katerina said:
Good god, Heather, you gave birth when? A month or two ago, and now you're DIETING (while breastfeeding Marlo) instead of just enjoying motherhood and not worrying about an extra few pounds?
I guess you are. Sad. You of all people.
137. Libby said:
Oh, how I laugh. I tell everyone that I suffer from an overdeveloped sense of sympathy, which prevents me from ever watching a Ben Stiller movie.
138. Camilla said:
Haha! The Humpty Dumpty pants and tuba rape made me laugh until I cried.
Don't ever stop writing.
Happy jedi-birthday Jon!
139. Erica said:
I've seen that episode of Oswald and I had the SAME EXACT QUESTION. WTF?
Happy birthday Jon!
140. louisa said:
Okay you have just touched on a subject that DRIVES ME NUTS! At what point did it become acceptable for children to demand that they get a different meal that what is prepared for everyone else? The first time I encountered this was 10 years ago when my ex-boyfriend's step-mother would make each of her children a different thing from chicken fingers to mac&cheese.
I now know people that make two different types of mac&cheese because no one can agree on the best way to make it. These foods are not even food. Not that I am suggesting that people raise their kids like my parents raised me. God knows my parents were not especially good at the job, but it was that we ate what was served or didn't eat at all. Granted some brussle spouts were put into the napkin and carefully flushed down the toilet but other than that I ate what was served. Kids will get away with what they can get away with. I just don't understand this even a little bit.
141. Kristin said:
Hah! Happy Birthday Jon!
But seriously.. how do you make these beans? YUM.
142. Lottifish said:
Happy Birthday Jon! Have a great one!
143. Anonymous said:
Classic!
I've noticed that Oswald always seems to have those kinds of days and think that he might fare well with some antidepressants to get him through - whenever I see that show I want to pop open the bottle and feed them to him through the screen. If it wasn't for the wiener dog in a bun I'd have to change the channel.
And thank you for sharing about the weight issue. The other day I had a mother tell me it should take about 4 weeks to drop the baby weight and get back in to real jeans again, even less if I am exercising. I immediately freaked out and imagined her dismay when I come back through the door in three months still in my stretchy belly pants.
Your blog and book have made my pregnancy so much better by the way.
144. Kristan said:
LOL. That falls slightly short of fantastic. I mean, sucktastic. :P
Not to fear, CAPTCHA says! "locals Unblad!"
145. Jenna Jean said:
That cake is pure magic.
146. Sara said:
Ah, yes. I made that same beans mistake once, ONCE! And, while you're at it, stay away from broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, too.
147. Sandy said:
Actually (pushes glasses up onto nose like the big nerd that I am), beans do not give a breastfeeding baby gas. The chemical reaction that causes gas in the mother who eats the beans is something that happens in the mother's digestive system and does NOT pass into the blood stream and into the breast milk (see La Leche League). This is good news because you can enjoy the beans! The gas or fussiness or whatever is a coincidence.
That cake looks so good I'm probably going to drive to town to get some. I am also breastfeeding. MUST. HAVE. CAKE.
148. rb said:
What an awesomely geeky cake. I'm impressed! I'm also impressed that Jon is the same age as me, because I didn't know hipsters could be 44 years old. THERE'S STILL HOPE!
149. Kelly said:
That cake rocks!
I hate Ben Stiller for the exact same reason.
150. Kelly said:
Oh that Oswald. The funniest part about that show is that his dog's name is weeny and it's a female dog. Am I the only one who sees the irony there?
So sorry about the baby gas. Happy Birthday to your husband!
151. Ruth said:
Well, I'm so glad someone else gained 40 pounds. I was just informed on Monday by my Dr. that I have since the beginning of my pregnancy gained 40 freaking pounds. And I still have a month to go till my due date. Is it humanly possible to not gain weight during the last four weeks of a pregnancy? Is that a BAD thing? OR something to aspire to? I had really hoped on keeping it under 40 lbs, but now that's all shot to hell, and so are my dreams of ice-cream sandwich breaks at 3 pm every day.
152. Elese said:
Ok, I am a mother of 5 month old twins...I just got home from the grocery store with the kids...it's 2:30pm...I am finally eating some lunch...and I just snarfed it all over my computer screen. Thank you so much for the great laugh!
153. Restless Mama said:
What a beautiful way to start a birthday.
Happy bursendagen Jon!
Black beans + breastmilk + baby = Tuba raped trombone noises...love it. Love it to the point of peeing my pants from hysterical laughter.
154. Maggie said:
P.S.-
Check out these other great ETSY stores when you get a chance...
threegreenapples (my fave)
Haru (my friend Beth's site)
thaneeya (great artwork)
Enjoy!
155. Jonathan C. said:
What kind of Camera do you use?
Your photos are gorgeous.
156. Ania said:
Try getting Leta to watch Yo Gabba Gabba. The music alone is better than all the other cartoons combined.
my captcha? stacie sinkinshorts. He he.
157. marty said:
Happiest of Birthdays
As always a story that can only be told by you.
Thanks, I enjoy your wit
158. zenmomma said:
Happy birthday Jon! I'm glad to see you got some sparks, even if they were coming out of your daughter's ass.
Heather, this post was brilliant!! Has me laughing still. But I should tell you that my captcha phrase is "Moe meanness." I think that means you're being too nice. Time to rip someone a new one.
Or something.
159. Dr. Evil said:
GIVE UP THE BEANS WOMAN, AND NOBODY GETS HURT!!!
Seriously, time to tell us the recipe, or just email it to me :)
Just an observation, but it is funny how everybody (wimmmins) here hates Ben Stiller's bad days, but I bet you have no problem watching a whole movie with the world caving in around poor Bridgett Jones' head.
I mainly had to comment because my Captcha is: methane Downstate's
How appropriate :/
160. Laura said:
Heather, you tell a story like nobody else I know. I'm about to piss myself over here, laughing!
Happy Birthday, Jon!
161. gina said:
Awesome cake !!! My husband had Star Wars themed cakes to match his Yoda jammies too.
http://a-slapintheface.blogspot.com/
162. Nicole said:
SO funny because my husband and I have the exact same reaction to the show Oswald. Our 2 year old son LOVES that show and we cannot for the life of us figure out why. Everything goes wrong for that poor octupus!
163. Kay said:
Happy (belated) birthday, Jon!
Does Jon read the comments here? If so, I'd just like to say that I'm a 25 year-old grad student with a 20 year-old younger sister, and our mom is only one year older than he is. I don't say this to make him feel old, of course. Rather, when he thinks his life can't get any crazier than being woken up at the ass of dawn to watch a show about an apparently hydrophobic octopus while sandwiched between a rowdy 5 year-old and a farting infant, just remember that your children haven't hit adolescence yet. It gets crazier!
Hope you all had a great day.
164. Dana said:
It's funny- i had a similar run in with oswald when my second baby was just about seven weeks old. I was sitting on the couch nursing and trying to keep a 3.5 year old occupied and through the mire I finally was able to place Oswald's voice.
It's Fred Fucking Savage. It was like finding out I was adopted.
I wrote about it here. I've blocked out the memory but this post brought it back.
http://civil3drocks.blogspot.com/2007/11/savage-truths.html
165. effie said:
I think your funny is growing....or you just have more content as of late. Could be both with a bit of sleep deprived delirium. Regardless, funny shit.
Oh and my daughter, bean head as well.
166. EvilCleopatra said:
I agree with you and whomever else said it up there: I hate Ben Stiller movies for the same exact reason too! Unless it's a Ben Stiller crazy movie (ie. Heavy Weights, Zoolander) I just can't handle him.
On another note, I used to intern at Sprout, and half my days were spent screening preschool shows, and pondering why cartoon characters didn't use more logic. That can't be good for kids...
167. Golden said:
Flames coming out her ass! LOL!
Poor darling.
And this Oswald dilemma...maybe because an octopus lives in the ocean makes it not possible to survive in non-salty flood waters? Maybe he would've died if he tried to swim and some oceanic consultant said "that octopus has to stay out the floor waters" to survive? :)
168. sara said:
Happy Birthday Jon! Have a good one!
I made the beans mistake too, and sweet potatoes, and hard boiled eggs. It was a nightmare!
Oswald is soooo irritating! God, he is such a wuss! I was so pissed when I found out he is Fred Savage!
169. Anonymous said:
Is that Hitler who is depicted on those new pillows?
I also do not "get" reinforcing/enabling the picky eating habits. If a child is hungry, s/he will eat what is put in front of them. See how many meals s/he will refuse (not many!)
As a parent, I know it is easier to just give in to a child, but you are not doing a kid any favors!
170. mediumcrazy said:
And....this is why I read this site.
171. sarah gray said:
Happy birthday to the hubs. Love this story because it is all too familiar to my breastfeeding-self and my baby Lucia.
172. Michelle Castillo said:
My three year old watches that show quite often and I find myself asking the same questions but whats even more funny is my son is so smart he notices those things before I do. The way you put it made me laugh so hard I cried and peed my pants. Seriously doesnt the producers of this show think there are some smart kids out there.
173. Bee said:
I just read out the tuba / trombone comment to my better and he's now pissing himself laughing :)
BTW - Ben Stiller movies, Dodgeball is the best by far. Crass, funny, ridiculous. Fantastic!
174. Tish said:
I feel the same way about Mr. Stiller and his movies of pain and suffering. Why is that considered funny?! He gives uncomfortable a whole new meaning.
175. Kim from Life is Now said:
Wowza, that is quite an entrance into a birth celebration day...I bet 44 feels a whole lot of old for your man, with farting babies and irritating kids shows that illicit swearing. The day has GOT to get easier from there...I mean so much more to look forward to!
Go get Dad to babysit and take Jon out... He deserves it!
176. Emily said:
Happy Birthday Jon! That cake is AMAZING.
177. Sara said:
Awesome cake, it would be cool if you had the figures hold the candles
178. Chels said:
Happy Birthday Jon!
179. Jessica said:
My mom made broccoli salad (as a Southern Girl you must knwo what this is) when Kendall was about 2 weeks old. The bacon and cheese called my name and I ate it without thinking. Later, I almost cried because I knew better. It was complete hell.
180. Kathleen @ ForgingAhead said:
hey, today's my 44th bday too! Jon got a cooler cake than me though :-)
181. Amber Star said:
Oh my God, I thought I'd bust a gut laughing at the trombone/tuba action and the whole blog post really. My ex's grandmother told me not to take our baby girl out on a windy day to get some sun. She told me, via my husband who spoke Spanish, the air would get up her nose and she would be collicy all night. In my infinate wisdom at the age of 18, I kept her out until it got too chilly. Guess what...she had colic all friggin' night.
This makes me wonder about Mexican babies that nurse. Beans are a main staple in the adults' diet... Or maybe they give the beans a pass until the baby is old enough to cut their own food or something.
Oh yes...Happy Birthday, Jon.
182. Betsy said:
Best. post. ever. For like, two seconds I thought you were actually going to blog about something normal, like Jon's birthday. Whew. You had me scared there for a minute, but then I remembered that you take blogging so seriously you would never just regale us with a recap of your schedule. I love your writing, I never know what I'm gonna get.
183. Brenda said:
Seriously funny. My daughter's nightmare was anything spicy.
We are from Texas.
Yeah.
Good times/noodle salad
Happy Birthday, Jon!
184. Elle said:
Happy birthday Jon!
God, I can only imagine my mother's reaction if I had refused to eat the family meal just because I didn't want to. I wouldn't have eaten. Leta is a lucky girl. :) But then I don't think I was quite as contentious as she is, so the trade off is probably a bit more convenient for you, especially if you actually have the time to make something else.
Cool cake.
185. Kate said:
I know I'm in the minority, but I kind of love Oswald. It's ridiculous, but I find his voice very soothing. I think it's the kid from the Wonder Years who is the VO. It sure as hell beats Caillou, who I want to stab repeatedly with a butter knife until he shuts his whiny trap.
Oh, and SpongeBob rules. As does Patrick and Mr. Crabs.
186. Leslie Ann said:
OMG I ALSO hate movies and shows that are super depressing like that. My boyfriend LOVES movies that are dark and depressing and have NOTHING GOOD about them. Like The Machinist. And Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. Both awful sad horrible movies with absolutely no redeeming qualities. It drives me nuts.
P.S. Awesome story -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY JON!
187. michelle said:
I'd give anything for some Oswald. Our 3 year old adores Caillou on Sprout. He's sweet & all but come on, we've seen that episode a thousand times! & what's with all the bald little boy characters? Caillou is 4 & not a hair in sight! Is he related to Charlie Brown?
Happy Birthday Jon! As for the beans, try some dried papaya after. It helps with the gas :)
188. Rach Baby said:
Happy Birthday Jon..but I think maybe you might have to send a picture of the cake to Cakewrecks.com
189. Kerri said:
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN! I can't stand any TV show or movie where NOTHING. GOES. RIGHT. It drives me NUTS! And in a very similar way, I feel sooooooo embarassed for characters in any situation that merits blushing...to the point where I find myself SCREAMING at the TV (instead of acting rationally by, I don't know, shutting it off???)
PS: happy birthday to Jon!
190. Meredith said:
Oh man do I hate Oswald. He's right up there with Barney and SpongeBob, they all suck.
And as soon as I saw the word "beans" I cringed for you. At least you didn't have big sister there laughing her maniacal laugh at every toot, which is what happens in my house if little sister has gas.
Happy belated birthday to Jon!
191. Lauren said:
Oswald is the stupidest show ever. EVER.
192. Jew Jenny said:
Or you could just buy some new clothes. A transitional pair of jeans and a couple of shirts to make you feel more human would be nice.
193. Sierra said:
Oh Happy Birthday! I hope it got a lot better from there!
194. Chief said:
OMG I can't believe my youngest is 8 and I still remember that freakin' episode of Oswald. The music is enough to get you into a straight jacket.
195. Amy said:
Oh.My.God.
There is no way he is 44. Quit lying.
I mean, Happy Birthday and all. But geez, he can't be more than 35? 36?
I can handle the sarcasm, Armstrong. But lying about Jon's age? Give it a rest.
196. kg - elegraph said:
OMG, I know you meant for your post to mean so much more than this, but when you mentioned those movies where the protagonist gets pummeled by life throughout, my first thought was "Yeah, like those effin' Ben Stiller movies." I AM SO WITH YOU ON THIS! There are VERY few of his movies that I can stand to watch for this very reason.
For all the ways I disagree with you, LOL, it's little nuggets like these that keep me coming back. YOU ROCK. Hope you are enjoying your fam of 4, and Happy 44th to your husband.
Keisha
197. Krista said:
Between the cheese and the beans, at least you know Leta won't be constipated or The Toots and Poops.
198. Anonymous said:
What's crazy is when I'm 44, my two daughters will be 23 and 20. Yeah, I'm sure your twenties and thirties were awesome, though!
199. Coelecanth said:
Happy 44th Jon!
Our 2 year old knows the word "fart". She uses it the same way she uses "pupel" whenever she sees anything even remotely purple, you know, just to point out that she knows these things and what they're called. We're vegetarian, so our days and nights are filled with a tiny voice going "fart" at regular intervals. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to the next big family gathering. Nobody is going to get away with a discreet little toot and I'll probably die choking on my tofu from trying not to laugh. Well, either that or my wife will kill me later for breaking up at the embarrassment of some uptight auntie.
Thanks for the laugh Dooce.
200. Sarah Geeee said:
I just peed myself.
201. Mari said:
Yea, Jon's older than I am!
202. katie said:
my god, woman, the fact that you quote axe murderer in your photo post about marlo's head has forever and ever endeared me to you. as if i didn't already love you for the depression stories, the poop talk, the breastfeeding!
oh, and happy 44th, jon!
203. Kris said:
Let me preface this by saying I adore your blog. Your stories are entertaining & you take some of the most splendid photos.
But I can't put into words how much it breaks my heart when people nonchalantly throw the term "rape" around. I just don't think it's something to make light of.
204. Richelle said:
Happy Birthday...typical "parent" birthday!!
I am still loosing the last 10 lbs. and I Drink Mona Vie and it is a miracle! I drink it in the morning and afternoon for my snacks and it really helps curb my cravings and supress my appetite, not to mention all the energy!! I was a nursing mom, waking up at night, and running around with so much energy, can't live without it!!
205. Robert said:
Oswald is one of Maci's Favorite shows. I think she's seen every episode. That's Fred Savage doing the VoiceOver for the octopus.
206. linnea said:
I find your blog very funny (and have never commented) but do have to totally disagree with you on Oswald. It is one of my favorite kids shows...second only to Little Bear..and by the way I had a girl 3 mos. ago and I too am faced with the last 15 pounds. I will say the pregnant tummy has gone..but it just slipped further down and spread to the waist and hip areas I think. Ugh!
207. pmb said:
Oh my gosh, funniest thing I have EVER read. Long time reader, never commented before. Holy funny. Especially tasty was the image of a trombone being raped by a tuba. And Oswald is a weird, weird cartoon.
208. lori said:
Oh my god, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. You are hilarious!
209. Meredith said:
"RIDICULOUS O'CLOCK" Ha ha it's so true. Another gem. Thank you. I'm glad to see you posting more regularly. I hope this means things are settling into a rutine over there. I'm pregnant with my third right now, and I haven't even begun to try and think about how I'm going to handle all of them. You rock. Thanks for the chuckle.
210. Kristina C. said:
You are HILARIOUS! I feel bad for laughing so loudly at poor baby Marlo's dilemma!
Happy Birthday Jon!
211. plue said:
You can get gas from booby milk?!
212. Daisy said:
I know this is like the 2oo somthing post, but who knows, maybe you read them all! I had a baby 14 weeks ago, and that last ten pounds isn't going anywhere. But it isn't supposed to! Dude, you just had a freekin' baby! Your stomach muscles were pulled slowly a foot (or two) away from your body, and you are breast feeding. I know that looking at my hips right now and thinking about the thin times can be a little upsetting, but revel in you womaness, and remember, it took 9 months for your body to get into this shape so it'll need a few to get out of it.
And keep writing, you are greatness.
213. Karen said:
I learned that bean thing the hard way. As a matter of fact, I gave her some beans for dinner tonight and she was making all kinds of interesting noises. Oops.
Happy Birthday Jon!
214. christina said:
YES! I hate Oswald. But it comes on during my son's nap time and it's like magic. You play the show, he crawls into your arms and goes to sleep. Personally, I think the writers of this show do acid.
215. cyndi said:
I had my second baby a few weeks before you had yours. I went to a nursery to buy my husband a Japanese Maple for Father's Day and I was asked by the very helpful nursery employee when I was due. This was about two weeks after I had already delivered. I had gained about 45 pounds during the pregnancy and needed to lose about 20 at the time but compared to how I looked towards the end of my pregnancy, I felt like I had a washboard stomach. Well, she definitely brought me back down to earth or slapped me in the face (which is how I felt). I think she could tell by the tears in my eyes that she said something terrible.
216. Anne said:
this is hilarious. I laughed so hard I cried, I could barely speak to read this to my husband, we can not decide if our favorite line is about the baby shooting sparks out of her ass, or Jon yelling at Oswald. WE KNOW THIS EPISODE. And, we often shout such atrocities at Dora and Diego, so THANK YOU.
217. beyond said:
happy birthday jon! best wishes...
218. Erica Pawlak said:
Oh Lord I can't handle Meet the Parents. I couldn't watch it the entire way through. That awful feeling when everything is going wrong has kept me away from sitcoms and movies since I was a little kid. Anyways, if you feel like totally torturing yourself in that respect there's a British TV show called Coupling (I think) and there's this one episode where a guy meets a girl on the train because he's been staring at her legs and ends up telling her that he's lost a leg and then her brother is a double amputee and the guy is at the bar asking his friend to cut off one of his legs so he can still hook up with the girl....I almost vomited....
Happy Birthday Jon!! I hope I get a Star Wars cake when I turn 44! or every year until then....
219. NJ_2_NorCal_Mom said:
Oh my word. I am in hysterics, laughing with tears streaming down my face, and my five year-old son keeps walking through saying, "What? What is it?"
How do I explain that it's Mommy kind of funny?
Happy birthday to Jon, and thanks for observing what I had been thinking about the Octopus. My son's not a freaky eater or anything, but he currently has an unnatural obsession with the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse show, which we DVR so he can watch an episode a bazillion times before we "accidentally" delete it.
220. Ray said:
LOL! You guys are KICK ASS! Happy Birthday to Jon! Love the cake. =o)
221. Mammakaze said:
It's an innocent mistake brought on by post-partum desperation and exhaustion and, let's be frank, carb withdrawl.
You know who DOESN'T have an excuse? THE PROS. You know the pros. They're the ones who shove the food rules down your throat during pregnancy. Don't eat this or that or it will be passed on to the baby and you, the mom, will ultimately pay for it...and possibly burn in hell.
Well, there I was, post C-section, my cooing bundle of chicken-legged gristle with a twig sticking out of its belly button at my side...and what do they bring me to eat. BROCCOLI SOUP! Broccoli Soup? Were they kdding me? After telling me that broccoli is the #1 gas-inducing breastfeeding no-no?
Know what I did? I cried. Cuz, you know, hormones...oh, and the pee bag hanging at the side of the bed for all the visitors to see. Humiliating.
222. Tess said:
Great post!
Had a similar experience with a bowl of pasta loaded with caramelized onions. Onions in boob milk, BAD IDEA.
Cheers to Jon!
223. Carrie said:
Just finished up my beans and cheese! We throw some rice in there too. I know, more carbs, but at least it is brown rice!
224. Allison said:
Happy Birthday Jon! That cake looks like it rocks hardcore. Actually, Oswald is one show that I can tolerate, maybe it's because the blue octopus puts me in a trance, whatever the reason I like awkward Ben Stiller humor. I think it reminds of my life for some reason. I would be the one to set a gazebo on fire. Heather, the last 15 pounds are still my nemesis.
225. Kate said:
Okay so I understand that hyperbole is the mainstay of internet communication, and so I've never had a problem with the OMG ROFLS LOLS whatever. Sometimes I question how people can afford to buy groceries, what with all the spontaneous spraying of coffee on keyboards, and subsequent replacement costs, but anyway.
Today, reading this, I giggled. So thanks for that.
Also, I love your new pillows. and I also hate plotlines like that, in particular heroines who are bumbling chaos magnets and too stupid to live (TSTL). My daughter would be a mess watching that, she can't take that kind of narrative tension. Pooh stuck in Rabbit's door was waaaaaay too much.
FINALLY, happy birthday Jon.
226. Rich said:
The mix of Star Trek and Star Wars on that cake has my head asploding in agony. I can only assume Cake Wrecks was the inspiration there.
227. Amy said:
While babysitting the other night, I was subjected to "Happy: The Littlest Bunny." Holy crap, I feel your pain on the bad kid movies/shows! But it's good for a laugh later on (at least this post was for me)!
Also - Happy Birthday, Jon!
228. Mandy said:
Oh, yes, we had a very similar night after Pad Thai. At the moment I don't know what's going on though. I'm eating normally (minimal garlic and onion and NO beans) and my 12 week old son is doing the STINKIEST farts. I'm a weirdo who thinks farts are funny. These are not funny.
I also have to say I have the same reaction to things going bad on film or TV. I'm much better now, I can handle it. Did you ever watch 'Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em'? All I can say is don't. When I was little it would get too much for me and I would hide behind the couch as it just got worse and worse for poor Frank. Actually my son runs out of the room yelling 'Oh no!'when it goes all wrong in his cartoons too. It must be in the genes!
Hope you had a good day for Jon's birthday.
229. Mighty said:
Beans cause gas because they disrupt the "flora" (bacteria) in the digestive tract. The bacteria create gas as they attempt to digest the beans.
Love the Aversion to Awkwardness. My husband gave it to me and now we both fastforward through half of any given movie.
230. Anonymous said:
I don't mean to be a wet blanket, and I really did enjoy this post, but, to echo those above - I hate to see the word rape used this way. It isn't ever funny; it's like a scar across your page.
231. Lauryn said:
Oh my God, this post is hysterical. I don't know how you make poop and sleepless nights so damn entertaining but you do.
Happy Birthday Jon!
232. Have the T-shirt said:
Happy Birthday Jon!
I remember early in my breastfeeding days, eating chili.
Enough Said.
233. Malita said:
OHMYLORD i had to read the tuba and trombone analogy to all in the room!
Ok I thought I was somehow unique and weird to feel incredibly uncomfortable with movies where everything goes wrong and the main character is screwed over repeatedly - glad to know i'm not alone in the world of movies.
234. omchelsea said:
HILARIOUS :) I love it. Thank you for starting my morning on a note of hilarity :)
235. misstraceynolan said:
Jon - Happy Birthday! Heather - Happy Jon will always be older than you day!
236. Corrina said:
I love your blog. I saw that same episode of Oswald, and I'm pretty sure I shouted the same thing. He's an octopus, a creature of the water, floating on a couch. Way to teach kids reality, as well as make me one step closer to jumping out the window. Happy Birthday Jon!
237. Tammy Mellish said:
As someone who has breastfed 3 children for a combined total of 52 months, and who has a 4 year old who watches the Oswald vhs tapes left behind from her 9 year old sister over AND over.. well, this was seriously the funniest shit I have read/heard all day (and I seriously needed a good laugh).
Thank you! And Happy Birthday, Jon!
238. Dana said:
my god. my god.
you are so funny.
love the cake too.
hope it was a happy birthday.
239. Hope said:
Only you can make the combination of baby gas, insomnia, Oswald and beans funny.
Happy birthday, Jon!
240. Wendy said:
I literally laughed out loud when I read this post. Oswald gives me the creeps anyway. Nevermind the fact that his freaky buddy the penguin is voiced by the dude from Laverne and Shirely, but Oswald is voiced by Fred Savage, the dude from Wonder Years. So every time I see Oswald, I think of Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! and Winnie. Ughh....
241. kym b said:
omg, i just died from laughter at the end of that post. died right here at the table laughing my ass off. as a parent of 3 young children, i can totally relate to each. and. every. word.
242. suzinoz said:
Hilarious. Thanks for the laugh! Happy Birthday to Jon!
243. creationist vapor canopy said:
I have always wanted to make the most cracked out kid's show ever, starring Richard Simmons.
244. Susan said:
To a very lucky man - Happy Birthday! I hate to say it, but 50 is just around the corner.
Susan
Over at "RaisinToast"
245. shelli said:
Dude - the baby sleeps in our room, and I totally just woke him up from the laughing.
Happy birthday Jon, I'm racing right behind ya.
246. Jodi said:
O.k. this one was a hoot, and I think I enjoyed it most because it's exactly what plays out at ridiculous o'clock at my house. I don't know what it is about triplets, but they feel the need to get up in time to coax the sun out of bed. Without them, there would be no dawn. At least I've never seen one while they were still sleeping. Hope Jon's b'day was fantastic. The cake sure looked good (how did you manage to say no to all that frosting?).
247. Wacky Mommy said:
Well I'll be... older than you for the rest of our lives. Happy birthday, Jon.
248. Jonn said:
I have that same aversion to movies where the universe conspires against the hapless lead, AND I can't watch any scene where someone is going to be horribly embarrassed. Blood and gore; yes, mild social inconvenience; nightmare fuel. If I was watching Hitler about to step on a banana peel in public, I'd have to change the channel.
249. Anu said:
Happy 44 Jon :-)
Great post once again. Such a pleasure to read your blog.
250. Brittanny said:
Happy birthday Jon! What a... memorable way to start your day. Your cake is pretty kick ass.
251. tyra said:
this was one of the funniest things you've written here in a long time. I'm always entertained and interested but i laughed out loud 10 times. ahhh thanks
love, the internet
252. Regan said:
You think Oswald is odd? What about Yo Gabba Gabba? Don't get me wrong, Noggin is in full swing at our house and we happen to like Yo Gabba Gabba but you gotta admit it's weird. At least Oswald has a soothing voice. I HATE movies where everything goes wrong, like the Odd Couple or Meet the Parents, hideous I tell you! But I like Oswald and all the weird characters on it. I will admit Oswald is silly at times, but I love him anyway. On an unrelated note, my brother-in-law told me knew one of the creators of Yo Gabba Gabba! and they were Mormon and shot a couple of the first episodes in the back of their work trailer or something. Odd. Happy Birthday to Jon!
253. Amy said:
I will admit that I am not a huge fan of Oswald. However, there is something about the music and Fred Savage's soothing voice that always made my boy slip into a magical coma. For that reason, I loved the show.
My son is now eight and no longer watches Oswald. He did however catch a glimpse of Jon's cake and proclaim, "That's the best birthday cake EVER!"
254. Anonymous said:
You may be at ONE MILLION TWITTER FOLLOWERS BY TOMORROW NIGHT!!! Let's see the candles in that cake. Way to go!
255. Kelly said:
Happy birthday, Jon! That's a heck of a cake you got there, mister.
256. Dara said:
Just wanted to tell you that I have seen the leaky faucet Oswald episode I don't know.. 26 times or so? So I feel your pain.. but hold on.. I can make it worse. While watching the credits I saw who does Oswald's voice.. FRED SAVAGE! Yes.. Kevin from the Wonder Years!! Now isn't that the icing on the cake? Your welcome.
257. Lynn @ human, being said:
I made the mistake of eating a basketful of broccoli one night then breastfeeding my daughter, who did exactly what Marlo did, which was unusual for her because she was a pretty quiet baby. Poor thing, she was in so much pain.
Now, broccoli is one of her favorite foods, and farting is her favorite thing to do, besides cuddle up to me and fart. She toots and laughs. She's 8. I wonder if she'll outgrow it.
258. kate said:
Around these parts we used to call Oswald "Asswad". Happy Birthday Jon! Happy family y'all! Dang you people make some cute babies.
259. wheezer345 said:
Once again LOL!!!! I would have to agree with Jon on this one, Swim octopus, SWIM!!! And most important, happy B day Jon!
260. Missy said:
You spent $95 for one pillow?! You are really losing touch with your readers.
261. Lynda said:
Happy birthday Jon, MTFBWY! (And by F, you know I don't mean farts.) I love that cake. I'm totally transfixed by that cake. I want to have another birthday so I can have Porkins' X-Wing nose-first in my cake.
Ah, in my day we had that Tom & Jerry episode where they pull the cooling elements out of the freezer and turn the flooded house into an ice rink. Then I guess they clubbed each other in the knees. I forget.
262. Sharon said:
Happy Birthday Jon! You both have very interesting and exciting birthdays! My birthday was boring compared to this one, but I'm glad there wasn't any gas.
263. Lauren said:
I saw that Oswald episode when I used to babysit. My newborn watches The Hills with me. I'm a terrible mother aren't I? As long as her first word isn't Speidi I should be ok. Happy 44 to Jon! Awesome cake.
264. Craig Axxie said:
I'm surprised nobody in the comments has pointed out / berated you for / gone on a small killing spree because Jon swore in front of Leta. Heh.
265. Margie said:
Just an FYI. . stay away from Mexican food also as long as you are nursing . . beans and spicy foods don't settle well with wee ones. . spoken from the voice of experience ..
Happy Birthday Jon!!
266. terry said:
"toots and poots and all that moaning..."
Takes me right back to the days of breastfeeding! Hilarious for us - not so great a night for you all.
267. lehuukhoa said:
Happy birthday !!!
268. Cookie said:
I'm glad I started the day with your post. I need a good laugh this morning. Happy Birthday, Jon!
269. Michelle said:
Happy Birthday Jon! May 44 be a very good year.
270. Joaaaanna said:
Happy Birthday Jon!
So can you share the black bean recipe? Because I just figured you open the can and there you go... I guess there is more to this magical fruit.
271. Lacey Shaffer said:
You are awesome! I hope to be a mom like you someday!
Lacey in AL
272. Paula said:
Love the photos of the cake. Ever since our wedding photographer forgot to take a picture of our wedding cake I'm a fanatic about getting a picture of every cake we get for every family event. They have all been trained not to cut the cake until mom takes a picture.
I remember trying to wean my daughter off of soy formula to regular milk at one year old when my husband was out of town. A horrible sleepless night filled with lots of puke.
273. J to the ill said:
First post since I became a fan in 1982. I look forward to reading your page every single day and I'm a 20 something year old with no kids and no husband, I just get a kick out of everything you have to say and your obvs halarious. Thanks for appealing to ALL age groups ;)
274. Liana said:
Just had to say that we had the same cake for my 7 year old's birthday. I also hate Oswald and I get really creeped out that his dachshund friend really looks like a hot dog.
275. Maggie said:
I seriously don't know how you remain so freakin' hilarious and real while dealing with a newborn. I love your perspective.
Haven't seen Oswald yet (we are very much a Blue's Clues house right now) so thanks for the warning. Ha!
276. Jennifer said:
I love that your posts start off as quite funny and just go a whole football field farther than anyone else's funny in the last sentence:
"Throw in that amount of farting and it sounded like a trombone being raped repeatedly by a tuba."
Stop making tears squirt out of my eyes - I'm at work!
277. kaydee said:
love your site and learning about you. Just read a mom's letter to her son on his 7th birthday and a note on blogging that shares ones life and after one dies...these are beautiful. thanks for a glimpse. have a chocolate cake recipe called mississipi mud cake that is to die for on my site at chocolate --
this is a link to the page--it is THE BEST CAKE!! My sisters and I have been making it since we were kids and we're now in our 40's and 50's so it has to be good!
278. Anonymous said:
happy birthday Jon!
My husband would had said the same thing about the show. Some of the shows are plain silly, but the kids seem to love the. We always ask ourselves when watching Max and Ruby, "where are the parents?" and why does Darby from Tigger and Pooh show stays up late at night? Lately we've been watching Yo Gabba Gabba. I thought it was way too trippy at first, but we love it.
279. Brii said:
"...it sounded like a trombone being raped repeatedly by a tuba." One of the best lines you've ever written. Thanks for making my Friday!
280. Anonymous said:
I love your book and your blog. You make my workday a million times better.
281. Katie Kat said:
The WORST part of Oswald is when he SINGS! It's ALMOST worse than that stupid moose on Noggin. OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!
By the way - although the comments were closed on the last picture of Marlo, I HAVE to tell you how incredibly deliciously adorable she is and I want to smooch her face repeatedly. Just so you know.
282. Katie Kat said:
OH YEAH! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY JON!!! From the ALL CAPS EXCLAMATION POINT QUEEN (apparently). :)
283. LillianB said:
Happy B-Day Jon!
284. Candy said:
"You say it's your birthday
na na na na na na
It's my birthday too, yah
na na na na na na"
Happy Birthday, Jon, to both of us.
285. alayna said:
happy birthday jon! that cake is fantastic!
286. Rouver said:
Love the post, Heather
To those of you who say "let 'em starve" you've never seen a child that WOULD rather starve than eat. Mine will go so long without eating she'll puke at breakfast because she's so hungry. I have gotten sick (literally) with worry, cried heaving sobs because she WILL NOT EAT. So, let's weigh it out, shall we? My sanity + her health vs. me making a different meal for her. It's not like we're caving in to their demands of donuts & vodka. We still have her try a bite or two before making something else, but as I've learned, you *cannot* make a child eat.
287. Teresa said:
I have seen this episode of Oswald and I do believe we shouted the same thing at the tv! Have you seen Yo Gabba Gabba? I HATE THIS SHOW and yet famous people like to appear on it. Jack Black, the big eyed kid from Lord of the Rings and Biz Markie. Why? It's HORRIBLE! And don't get me started on Caillou and Boo Bah!
Happy Birthday Jon!
288. Hokie Deb said:
-->What a hilarious way (from my perspective) to start a birthday. Happy Birthday Jon!
http://www.WebSavyMom.com
289. the mighty jimbo said:
44 and a star wars cake.
nerdtastic!
was there a shiny new iphone 3GS around for him somewhere?
290. LynzM said:
Happy Birthday Jon!! You guys are so lucky to have each other :D
p.s. - Heather, you do know that those last 10 lbs., your body will often keep in "reserve" until you're done nursing? So don't despair if they stick around until then, just nature protecting you against famine ;)
291. emily said:
Just read throught all the posts and cant believe only TWO people commented on the weight loss...YOU DONT NEED TO DIET RIGHT NOW! your baby eats 600-800 calories a day from your milk! Eat healthy, enjoy your food, and the weight will come off...relax. You are a goddess.
emily
292. CJK said:
OMG...thank you for the laughs on so many levels!! I can relate not only on the bean/breastfeeding colossal disaster (was right there with you a couple months ago with my son...black bean enchiladas) but also the being awoken at an ungodly hour by the older child (daughter is 4).
Two things about Oswald that make me giggle, that he has a dog named Weenie and that the voice of the penguin, Henry, is David Lander aka Squiggy.
Happy Birthday to Jon!
293. Keith said:
OMG, this story was hilarious. I know the exact Oswald episode that you're talking about. My son loves the show for some odd reason. The sad thing about your story is that while watching that episode I never came to the conclusion that he IS an octopus, so why not swim. Thanks for making me feel dumb. lol
294. Karen said:
Too bad you didn't get a picture of the sparks shooting out of Marlo's ass. But, hey, tell Jon happy belated birthday!
295. Catherine said:
Congratulations Jon!
With regards to Marlo being a loud baby... have you considered taking her to a manual therapist? My daughter was a "loud" baby too and that had to day with the intestins and so on not being very adjusted yet. It helped a great deal!
Catherine
296. Kathy said:
Hang in there! By the way I am three years post baby and only just successfully losing the last, oh, 30 lbs! The trick is .......count calories!!! forget the greens and the beans - just count everything! You will be amazed! I guess you should ask your dr. what the minimum you can get away with breastfeeding but that bull about losing weight because your breastfeeding, well, didn't work for me. Just left me with boobs three times their original size!
Just remember you will blink your eyes and she will be 14 so enjoy the sleepless nights! It's better than lying awake wondering when she is going to get home!
297. Becky said:
That Oswald episode is on ALL THE TIME.
298. Sara said:
That is the awesomest cake I have ever seen in my entire life.
May the Frosting be with you.
299. minxlj said:
Happy Birthday to the lovely Jon! That cake is almost as damn cool as he is :)
300. Nel said:
I don't think there are nearly enough candles on that cake! :)