• http://www.ramblingbrooke.com Brooke

    Happy Birthday Jon! This post is hilarious. I especially enjoyed the “Humpty Dumpty pants” and the octopus. Kid’s shows are so ridiculous. I don’t have any kids, but I’ve watched my fair share with other people’s kids. I now know why a good portion of the population lacks common sense.

  • Amy

    Tastycake chocolate frosted donuts are far superior to anything hostess. I’m not sure if thet have them on the west coast but they are my favorite snack ever.

  • Laurie mom of 3

    In case your wondering black licorice has the same effect on nursing we ones. Lessons are never easily learned.

    Happy Bithday Jon!

  • http://ifevolutionworks.com Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com

    Love the cake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • http://scrappinjenny.blogspot.com Jennifer

    “Shooting sparks out her ass”.

    That might be the best line ever written.

  • http://elizabethqueenmama.blogspot.com elizqueenmama

    Trick for curing THE BABY FARTS: Lay baby on her back. Take firm hold on her shins. Bend her legs and push her knees up to her shoulders. Seriously. Push HARD. And OUT THEY COME. Like an old man. And I promise, baby will smile.

    (Like Wind Relieving Pose in yoga.)


  • http://hallesophia.blogspot.com Raezin

    Haha! That sounds like something that would be on thingsmyboyfriendsays.com

  • http://authenticthreads.org/blog Braidwood

    Boy, you have a cute husband. Happy Birthday. I’m very jealous.

  • http://d2dmad.blogspot.com/ Dani

    What a great cake! Happy Birthday Jon!

    All the best people are born in July (mine was Monday).

  • Shannon

    My husband is incredibly jealous of that cake.

  • http://www.myfunnyfunnyfamily.com Carrie

    I am sitting here burping the hell out of my own baby and wondering what it is i eat that makes him so miserable after every feeding. It’s probably coffee, but I can’t think of a way to prove that. (Please do not suggest eliminating coffee. I have a newborn and a 2-yr-old who decided to give up her nap and a 5-year-old who learned just yesterday that spray-on sunblock can take the varnish off a dining room table. Coffee is pretty much all I’ve got going for me right now.)

  • http://taoofkat.com The Kat

    Happy Birthday Jon! Anyone who has Star Wars characters on his cake is alright by me . . . as if there was any reason to doubt.

    Birthday cake with light saber never must cut! Scraping icing from the ceiling is a sure trip to the dark side.

    Many more,

    The Kat

    p.s. love your sites, of course

  • http://praisethemother.blogspot.com steph

    Perfect and awesome.

  • http://theatricalmilestones.blogspot.com charlotte

    Wow, Leta eats black beans and cheese? You might want to avoid telling her that this is about as healthy as it gets, what with all the fiber and the protein and all that. In fact, I’m saving your post for when Little Miss Kickboxer complains again about the green beans and rice I’ve been feeding her …

    Happy 44th, Jon!

  • Jo-Anne D

    My boss came out of his office and gave me a really funny look as I was almost peeing my pants laughing through this whole post. I am 22 weeks pregnant and everyone basically chalks up my random giggling fits to “hormones”. Ahhh, that was totally what I needed!

  • jeff

    44? 44??!?!?? I’m 38 and I look older than Jon. Looking good, my man.

    Caveat: i have two kids, so I’m prematurely aged. Beware: it will happen to you too. Keep on blurbing.

  • http://athleticmonkey.wordpress.com/ Monkey

    Poor Marlo (and you guys too)! I had that happen when I was nursing my son and ate way too much asparagus. Those were some funky baby farts.

    This Oswald show actually makes me glad I don’t have cable.

  • Anonymous

    The funniest post I have read on this blog. It rings so true. Hope Jon had a great day.

  • http://www.elsiemarley.com meg

    I think describing your child’s farts as a “trombone being raped repeatedly by a tuba” is one of your best lines yet. very nice, very nice

  • http://www.mompsy.com Mompsy

    Oh cripes but I remember that fecking Oswald show. It used to drive me nuts! Isn’t the dog a dachshund and it’s named weenie? If you watch the show for any amount of time you’ll see the name “weenie” could easily apply to any given character on that show.

    Anyway—stay away from the beans and happy 44th to Jon!

  • Kelly

    I too cannot STAND to watch any show in which the main character is unfairly pummeled by life!!!! I have noticed the same trait in my 8 yearold.
    I also hate CITY OF ANGELS because she DIES at the end while buying a pear for her stupid angel boyfriend while he’s taking a shower.
    ANYWAY happy bday Jon!!!
    I like the episode of Oswald where he cant committ to swimming with that flower chick or watching that penguin cop show with his penguin buddy and HEY i think thats the one where he floods the town accidentally.
    good luck,

  • http://kirantarun.com Kiran

    Happy Birthday Jon! Good luck on your diet Heather :)

  • Amy

    Jon’s cake turned out so much better than this at least :) Happy Birthday to Jon! http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2009/06/star-wars-weekend.html

  • http://www.blondie-lox.blogspot.com Sara

    sounds exactly like something my husband would say! :)

  • Hollis

    I hate Ben Stiller movies too – for exactly the same reason! I’m so happy to see it in writing – in your writing in particular because you phrase it all so well. Now I don’t feel like such a crank for thinking those kinds of movies/shows are not funny at all. Phew.

  • http://www.thatridiculousgirl.com THAT RIDICULOUS GIRL

    May the sparks from your candles and your baby’s butt continue to burn through the night! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    -That Ridiculous Girl

  • Laura

    I totally knew where you were going with the bean thing being a fellow breastfeeding mama. My son is 4 months old and your stories are cracking me up. I can totally relate to everything!!

  • What

    The best comment yet was the one (#169) where somebody asked if your new pillows are printed with pictures of Hitler. Why yes, of course they’re pictures of Hitler. I have them myself as part of my fascist dictators bedroom set.

  • Linsey



    This entry made me laugh-out-loud (I also hate “lol”) like, 5 times.

  • Also Heather

    This was a great post that I can mostly sympathize too. For some reason my 12 week old son’s gas miraculously disappears at night but I remember walking him back and forth for hours because I messed up and had too much garlic.

    GRIPE WATER- you can find it at Target. It worked for us within minutes. And good luck!


  • http://www.amberandnic.blogspot.com Amber

    Too funny. Next time you need a cake, let me know though.

  • http://penisenlargement.sekss.us PHHHHHHHH

    happy BD jon :)

  • http://www.koofie.com/ Kelsi

    Happy Birthday Jon! Totally BTDT with breastfeeding and beans, except for me it was cherries – like pounds of them. Poor girl seemed to be up for two days straight!

    Best of luck with the diet. I’m trying to lose the last ten pounds, plus the twenty before that was already on, plus the thirty I put on after she was born. You’re already doing better than me!

  • http://deescribbler.typepad.com/my_weblog Dee

    Love Jon’s cake! I want one for MY birthday! Oh wait, I just turned 47… damn…

  • http://bilateralhaze.wordpress.com Lara

    Oh my GOD with the beating up the main character scenarios… Hate them with the fire of a thousand suns. If I wanted to see someone get their ass whupped by life I’d secretly videotape myself and relive what happens during my nightly cold cereal dinner routine.

  • Michelle B

    OMG! 44 Years Old! Happy Birthday Jon. You still look great.

  • meeksies

    That is awesome. You are such a funny writer.

  • http://maneuveringmotherhood.blogspot.com Miss Behavin

    Sad to admit I saw that same exact episode of Oswald the other day with my toddler. I have to figure out another way to entertain him while I’m busy doing important things, like blogging or Facebooking, because if I have to listen to one more stupid cartoon I think I may be in a straight jacket.

  • Joy

    Happy Birthday…Heather’s birthday was funnier.

  • Mona

    Spot on Jon…spot on.

  • http://tauntsociety.com/ Hannah

    That is, by far, the most awesome cake. Ever. EVER!

  • Anonymous

    jesus! he’s going to be geriatric when he walks marlo down the aisle, perhaps dead when she has her first child. then again, you are in utah.

  • Adaire

    Chances are that neither you nor anyone else will read this, but hey, thought I’d post anyway. I am so with you on watching shows/movies where things go wrong! I cannot watch those practical joke shows. It is painful for me to see those poor people being tricked. Also, when I have seen a movie before and I am watching it for a second time, I will purposely skip any unpleasant parts.

    Hope the gut problems are resolved soon, and hope you all had a pleasant birthday celebration.

  • http://www.mouthymama.com mouthymama

    My kids love Oswald. I love that Fred Savage does the voice. Who didn’t love the “Wonder Years”? Anyway, on to the weight. I have three kids 4, 2, and 2, yes twins. I just wanted to say that my last 15 pounds remain securely on my ass and thighs. I hear the P90X program will have you fit in 90 days–a ton of my friends have finished it–just an idea. For me though, I’d rather eat cake! http://www.mouthymama.com

  • BEAT

    That cake is Cake Wreck worthy. Just saying.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=13916526&ref=profile Beffgus

    Star Wars cake = Best. Wife. Ever. Or in my case, (future) husband.

    Thanks for being awesome and writing the book (literally!) on living life as kickass cool parents. I would like to create a bumper sticker reading “Everything I Know About Parenting I Learned From The Armstrongs.” Right next to the one proclaiming “Propriety Is Overrated.”


    P.S. Heather, you are a dead ringer for supermodel Amber Valletta.

  • http://chaseafterwind.tabulas.com Amy

    At last, someone else who cannot stand those painful “Meet the Parents” type movies. Every time I try to tell people I find them neither funny nor enjoyable, I just get blank stares.

  • http://www.visiblevoice.ca Kristi

    Ugg…I still have 18lbs to lose! It’s so frustrating. I don’t carry it too bad but yet I still don’t feel like carrying it. If you have a magic plan please share! I’ll go eat some fatty popcorn now….and try to stop dreaming about your hubby’s birthday cake.


  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/maren6300 Maren

    Ok, thank you for hating Ben Stiller movies. I get that. That is me. I want to poke my eyes out watching any of his movies. I feel so relieved to not be the only one, like now I can breathe.

  • Lisa

    Happy Birthday Jon!

    And sorry about the beans – yup – saw that coming. I don’t see that anyone else has mentioned it, and with your leafy green diet this may be moot – but a big warning for you about chocolate. The very same affect on breastmilk as the beans. No one warned me. There’s more than one reason that a nursing mom trying to lose weight shouldn’t eat a whole bag of chocolate chips. (The good news was that the baby’s gas kept me away for even tiny amounts of chocolate for MONTHS!!) :)