Your momma said you ugly
So I guess it was maybe a year ago when I was sitting in Heather Champ's living room in San Francisco, holding her Chihuahua Chieka, and talking about how people sometimes send me hate mail because they look at a picture of Chuck and think his nails are too long. She was all, SHUT UP YOU DO NOT. And I was all YOU SHUT UP. And she was all WHY DID I EVEN LET YOU INTO MY HOUSE, BITCH? And next thing you know we're mud-wrestling in the nude, pulling each other's hair, and fulfilling the fantasies of IT departments nationwide.
Once things settled down I explained in detail that The Dog Nail People, in fact, are not happy with me, along with an enormous list of other very pissed off groups that include Those Who Believe Australian Shepherds Should Live On Farms Not In Suburban Homes Why Didn't You Do Your Research, The Did You Seriously Just Link To A Twenty-Four Dollar Tube of Mascara Don't You Know That Some of Us Can't Even Afford A Saltine Cracker People, and my Granny.
And she goes, you know what you should do? You should monetize the shit out of it. Collect all the crap that people say about you, put it on a single page, and then litter the entire thing with ads. And I was all, I don't know as Jon immediately turned to Heather's husband Derek and asked, "May I borrow your laptop, I've got a bit of coding to do."
We've actually toyed with the idea here and there because one does not have to leave one's name when commenting on this website, and oh, what that freedom has given to certain insecurities that have not healed in a small segment of my readership. Sometimes I leave hateful comments up just because they are so outrageously fun to read. Sometimes I delete them because in trying to insult me they are also insulting other innocent people, and I don't enjoy being a platform for that. Sometimes I just can't be bothered to deal with it.
And then sometimes, like last week, when the left side of my abdomen starting aching only to manifest itself in a raging case of shingles — SHINGLES! OH MY GOD! SHINGLES! I am not even kidding, the doctor walked in, took one look at the rash on my stomach, and was all DUDE! YOU'VE GOT SHINGLES! And I was all EXCUSE ME? And he was all I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN MAKE UP THIS SHIT, WOMAN.
And when he leaves the room to go look up some information on whether or not the medication for SHINGLES! is safe to take while breastfeeding (sorry, I can't even think the word SHINGLES! without it being in caps followed by an exclamation point, and for the last two days it's been a Tourettes fest in here where suddenly I just stand up and shout SHINGLES! for no reason other than SERIOUSLY? I mean, I get it Universe! Leta is a picky eater because both Jon and I were picky eaters and put our parents through hell, I GET IT, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BEAT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH THAT LESSON ANY LONGER, but SHINGLES?! At least give me some waffle fries! FOR FREE!) I text both Jon and Katey at home: DUDE. I HAVE SHINGLES!
And Jon texts back: NO YOU DO NOT. And Katey is all: SHUT UP. And I was all, you know what? I'd mud-wrestle you to the ground BUT I'VE GOT SHINGLES!
So I'm in a bit of pain, and here's the thing. Do you want to know the thing? Because the thing is, THE THING IS, if I'm not careful and Marlo touches my rash I COULD GIVE HER CHICKEN POX. That one disease with the bumps and the pain and the fever and the DANGER. So that's basically all I'm doing during the day, making sure my three-month-old precious, delicate baby doesn't touch my SHINGLES! Except, this case of SHINGLES! is conveniently located right in the middle of my stomach, right where her body rests when I'm breastfeeding her six times a day. WHERE ARE MY WAFFLE FRIES? I WANT MY WAFFLE FRIES.
FOR FREE!
Anyway, while all this is going on people are sending me messages going, dude, do you see what is being said about you over here and over here? Oh, and right there in your comments section? And I'm all, no, but I can guess. Is it something about the way I look? My chin perhaps? The mole in the middle of my forehead? Is it about what I'm wearing, how unflattering it is? Or how I'm an awful mother? Or how I'm exploiting my children for money? Or how I love Marlo more than I love Leta? Or how my husband must be gay? Because it's all been said. Every awful thing you can say about a human being, it's been said about me and my family. Over and over again, like a broken record, and I guess with the intention that it will at some point hurt me so badly that I will throw my hands in the air and give up.
And I'm sitting there feeding Marlo, my abdomen wrapped in a bandage SO THAT I DON'T GIVE HER CHICKEN POX, and I'm reading an anonymous comment calling me an asshead, and suddenly I remember that conversation I had with Heather. And I'm like, you know what? I'm going to let that anonymous comment help pay for the therapy that Leta is so desperately going to need once she finds out what awful things I've said about her on my website.
Internet, let me introduce you to Monetizing The Hate.
Here I will be posting all the hate mail I get in my inbox and all the hateful anonymous and not-so-anonymous comments left on this website. And let me tell you, it is a hoot! And the money? OH THE MONEY! I am going to roll around naked in all that money! Because that's what assheads do!
Also, for your convenience, I've added a link to this project at the top of the page in the navigation bar, so you can stop by at any time and see the artful way that insecurity unfolds via the anonymity of the Internet.
PS. SHINGLES!
You must have a dooce® Community account to leave a comment.
If you've already registered, login.
If this is your first time posting here, snag a free account.
Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. Anonymous said:
you totally rock. Shingles, however, do not.
2. Courtney said:
This is why I love you all. Genius!!
3. Lisa in Seattle said:
Shingles suck the big one. But the hate mail page? Pure freaking genius! It will be on constant refresh, over here.
4. Erin said:
Best idea since Al Gore invented the Internet.
Also, "asshead". That's a great insult.
5. Daddy Scratches said:
No. 1: Dude ... SHINGLES? Jesus, that sucks. Sorry to hear it.
No. 2: Love love love "Monetizing the Hate." World peace is next. I can feel it.
6. Heidi said:
love it!
7. Heidi said:
I've never commented before but read you regularly.. first off, shingles suck.... But, the hate mail page? Loves it! You go Heather. You can call anyone a Shit bag hoass and I'm going to love you just for speaking your mind....FOLLOW!
8. Lauren From Texas said:
This is the best idea anyone has ever had. Now if we could figure out a way to monetize baby poop, we'd be in business.
9. Jennifer M. said:
That just might be the best web site ever. Frigging brilliant.
10. rbiggs said:
Haters suck. Shingles suck worse!
11. MKH said:
Sorry about the shingles, what a bummer! Given your notoriety I think you should publish a book with all the comments -- personally I cannot believe what people will write!
12. Erin said:
[Applause.]
13. Jess in Aspen said:
I actually came here because someone said you were an asshead. But i think you are absolutely fantastic and i've bought both your books.I LOVE YOU. ASSHEADS ARE GREAT! can't wait to see the hate mail!
14. BellKat said:
I had SHINGLES earlier this year and I don't wish it on anyone! I can't imagine having it on your stomach and trying to not let Marlo touch it.
All I can say is I'm so sorry!
15. Anaximander said:
The difference between an ABP view of the page, and one without it... is... stunning.
16. Mama B said:
As always Heather, you are AWESOME. Thank goodness for your good humor and able to handle all the other ASSHEADS out there. Keep up that thick skin, we all need to be more like you.
17. Molly said:
BWAHAHAHA. I love that now they can't get their "justice" in flaming you. Sweet revenge! :)
18. Haley said:
This is why we love you over in the UK too... freakin' A!
19. moriah said:
Do you understand how brilliant this will be? People are ridiculous, and I love to laugh at them. Cannot wait! Oh, and good luck with the Shingles.
20. rbiggs said:
I am also raising myself as punishment!
21. Vanessa said:
Wonderful! It takes quite the lady to find a way to benefit from bullsh*t hate mail!
Also, good luck with the plague! Oh, I mean the "shingles." :)
22. Laura Trevey said:
Why would anyone waste their time leaving hate mail?
It serves no purpose...
Awesome!!
23. Kathryn said:
so feel your pain about the shingles, sorry, I mean SHINGLES
good for you for monetizing the hate - someone might as well benefit
24. Sarah said:
YES! Brilliant plan.
I'm tempted to make up totally random and bizarre insults just so I can see them published on that page. :-)
(Hope you feel better soon...I saw my dad go through SHINGLES! and yikes, I did not like seeing that kind of agony).
25. MM3 said:
How mean! Where has basic civility gone?! Folks go spend a few minutes looking for it. I find it super ironic that they take the time to insult you, confirming they read your blog. Now that's ASSHEAD! If you don't like, don't read!
26. Valeri said:
LOL This is both a hilarious and AWESOME idea! I will click ten times a day! Suck it The Did You Seriously Just Link To A Twenty-Four Dollar Tube of Mascara Don't You Know That Some of Us Can't Even Afford A Saltine Cracker People!
27. Karla said:
FANTASTIC idea!! Well done.
By the way, I am knocked up (by the husband of all of 3 months) your website makes it a bit less scary. I am glad you are on the internet, without you our kid would end up eating paste.
thanks.
28. j said:
I got diagnosed with shingles the summer before i left for college! it sucked!
29. Heather said:
Dude, you rock. brb, lol-ing forever
30. Kristin Farnsworth said:
LOVE it!!!!
don't let them get you down... Make money Lady you Brilliant Shingled women!
31. Liz W-G said:
BRILLIANT!!!!!!(do you need a few more exclamation points?)!!!!!!!!!
32. Christina said:
Genius! You SHINGLE covered GENIUS! That is truly the best revenge! My husband had a SHINGLES issue - we were like "SHINGLES? isn't that something old people get? like in nursing homes?" Anyhow - Monetizing the hate - touche' Good for you #26.
33. Val said:
I "feel" on the shingles. Had them on my freaking hairline right by my eye. I only had 3 or 4 of them, but they were huge and hurt. I needed an ice pack by the afternoon - which helped greatly - every freaking day.
Like the bitch site - not that I'd ever make it. Note: I leave my name because if I cannot say it to your face, I don't put it in a comment.
34. Jenn said:
O.M.G. That is freaking AWESOME! Good job! :)
35. juneyor said:
Awesome
36. Cathryn said:
I don't mean to fawn...
But you are a fucking genius and I love your website and you make my life a little better every single day.
And monetizing the hate is even more genius. There is just so much to admire :=)
37. Rebecca said:
What a fantastic idea!! While I know people should really keep their rude thoughts to themselves, it does make for some entertaining reading!
I'm can totally relate to the shingles - sitting on the plane to San Francisco in July I wondered why the waist of my jeans was making my back/hip burn. Two days later while trying to enjoy my favorite city I had to call my doctor back home for medication because the burning spot had turned into quite the rash and was in fact shingles. At 30. I thought they were only supposed to happen to old people or at least people older than in their 30's!
38. Alyssa said:
I love it. I love you, shingles and your mole. Period. Brilliant. You are all brilliant.
39. Shereen said:
Oh. My. God. The sheer, unadulterated brilliance of a hate mail page.
40. Mo said:
This is a brilliant idea! Especially the naked money-wrestling! DO IT!
Hey? Is "asshead" catchey? Is there a cream for it?
Also, I always get SHINGLES! confused with SCURVEY! You're secretly a sailor. We should have known.
41. Jessica said:
I'm a faithful reader and I do like you, almost always, but sometimes, like on days such as today, you remind me a little of Kate Gosselin. I'm sorry about your shingles.
42. Olga said:
Love it!!! Good idea!
43. ChrisV said:
Shingles are awful - had the painful non-rashy type last year. Try taking lysine, if you haven't been told about this already - helps with your immune system. When you're 60, you qualify for the shingles vaccine - oh boy!
Smoochies to your gorgeous girls.
44. suedonym said:
Eww. Don't get shingles on all that money.
45. Leslie said:
I know you would probably get death threats from this, but you should totally include the email addresses of the people that send this stuff. So nutty. Also, SHINGLES! suck.
46. Erica said:
SHINGLES!
Oh my god, now you are going to get fake hate mail. Covered in SHINGLES.
47. Elizabeth said:
Oh my gosh, Heather! How do you even READ those all day? After the first 4 emails on your "hate page," I felt like it was time to call my mom. And maybe cry a little.
I like you--and while I don't always agree with things you write--I think you're genuine, and I appreciate that.
Plus, you almost always make me laugh. And the photos you take are incredible! And! You most certainly do not look like a man! Wtf?
48. Megan said:
Fantastic idea! Hopefully, now people will be a bit more hesitant to send or post hateful stuff. SHINGLES?! How horrible..hope you feel better!
49. Amanda Webster said:
This is awesome! The ads are so obnoxious, perfecto!
50. David Gannon said:
Heather and John. GOOD FOR YOU! seriously. people suck and the people that suck are just people that hate THEMSELVES and really not you. But they are jealous of you and your family and your success. Let them hate you and mock you and by god, monetize that shit! GENIUS is right. Seriously. LOVE IT!
p.s. sorry about the SHINGLES!
51. thisgirlremembers said:
Fantastic idea! I will happy visit and visit and visit and help you make scads of money from the haters. :)
And oh, I feel you on the SHINGLES! I had SHINGLES! when I was Eight. Years. Old. And it was horrifying. So now we're both freaks who got the rash-that-only-old-people-are-supposed-to-get. Oh, the joy.
Rock on, mama. Hope the SHINGLES! go away very, very soon.
52. Becky said:
I LOVE it when you use your evil genius for money. I hope hate mail pays for your next SHINGLES!-free vacation.
53. Anonymous said:
This is SO delicious!
54. Candace said:
Bravo! People get drunk on the power of annonymity and it's gross. I love that you're calling them out on it. WOO!
55. Amy said:
Love it!!!
56. amber of theambershow said:
YES! YES YES YES!
I'm clicking all those ads. TWICE!
57. Lane said:
Brilliant.
58. Michelle said:
egad! who the eff sends hate mail to a person they've never met? you know what? if you don't like what Dooce is writing, STOP READING HER BLOG! it really is that simple.
59. Allie said:
Oh. That website made me so sad. I would have blinding rage and shitty self-esteem if people wrote me mean shit like that all the time. I guess it's a risk you have to take if you put your life out there on the internet. But if people hate what you say, can't they just not read your blog and go away? I'm so sorry you have to read crap like that. Noone deserves it, especially to have their parenting critisized. I thought Leta's outfit was colorful and fun. I dress myself (I'm 26) and my son like that all the time... 'cause we're FUN!
60. pao said:
lol! finally, something worthwhile comes out of such useless comments from haters. well done.
61. Amber said:
Motherfuckin' genius! I love it! Plus, it'll give me somewhere to go read and get a good laugh at the idiots of the world! Thanks!!
62. Kristy said:
I am so very sorry that you have SHINGLES. That sucks! I don't like the haters, either, but I will visit that page if it's for a good cause. Like you. And Leta's therapy, of course.
63. Cassie said:
This is the BEST idea in the history of the universe. Unicorns are dancing the jig right now!
Roll in that money! Yee-haw!
64. Aine said:
I never comment, but oh, do I love your approach to life. Sorry about the SHINGLES!
P.S. Dior mascara is worth every penny.
65. Karen Olson said:
I really wanted to write something totally insulting (see www.firstoffenders.typepad.com today ... 9/16/09) to get on your Monetizing the Hate site, but the idea is so fucking brilliant that it's overwhelmed any insult I could ever think of.
SHINGLES! suck.
66. Adrienne said:
Wow. I don't know what people think gives them the right to critisize how other people live. Didn't thier momma's beat niceness and civility into them as children?
What ever happened to "mind your own business" and "watch your P's and Q's" and manners and all those basic social skills type things that I know I am trying so hard to instill in my children?
I bet that if we had to CC all our emails to our momma's they would be a lot less critical and a lot more polite.
Good on you for making some dough off of other people's stupididty. It seems to be in copious supply.
67. Rebeca said:
WOW! WOW! I read a few of the "Hate" posts and.... WOW. I guess it just goes back to people who feel terrible about themselves and to try to make themselves feel better they want to knock someone else down.
You rock and I read you and Blurb daily. Keep up the good work Dooce!
68. Sara Joy said:
Best. Idea. Ever.
I am so proud of you. Get all the cash you can out of the jerks who suck the energy out of the internets. I'm clicking away as we speak...
69. NENE said:
I think you're awesome. You make me laugh. I love your ups and downs. I have three kids, I understand your exciting adventures except I can't quite articulate them like you do. I like when you talk about poop. You give me something to look at while I"m breastfeeding. Thank you. Also, you look like that nurse in that new sitcom. A lot.
70. Shannon said:
I only have a couple things to say:
You make my day SO much better. I was literally rolling around on my couch about the washer/dryer thing. And the pictures of your awesome dogs are priceless!
I have a baby boy who is just a week younger than your adorable Marlo. Can we please arrange a marriage? Thanks.
71. Anonymous (with an email!) said:
Why do you keep shouting SHINGLES! and completely ostracize your non-english speaking readers who pay very good money on the very hefty subscription to this site (woman! even the NYT is not as expensive as your site!) who have no idea what SHINGLES! is and then have to google it (woman! do you know how much hard work it is to bloody highlight the word and then right-click and select "google SHINGLES!"???) and then realize you're just talking about zona and how hard would it be for you to just write *that*?
Really. I want a refund.
72. Denise Laborde said:
Yes. YES!
73. Katy said:
Leaving my first comment ever after a year of reading to say well done, ma'am. Well done.
74. Michelle said:
Powered by douchebags! Ha!
(The People For the Natural State of Your Vajayjay are going to be mad now because you put the word "douche" on your hate page.)
75. Ev said:
Brilliant idea! I have been aware of some of the nasty comments on your site occasionally, but only recently have I become aware of some bloggers who spend - literally - HOURS writing about how much they hate you. It's just amazing. They're consumed with hatred of you and are convinced that your popularity is going to wane ANY DAY NOW.
About the shingles, sorry! With any luck you will have one outbreak and then never have another. My poor father had them on his eyeballs, believe it or not.
76. Alexandra R said:
I have a feeling your "hate" page is going to bring you much monetary prosperity. I am SO jealous. (but still love your blog)
77. Sarah B. said:
Great idea! Maybe it will help you to purge the bad feelings that these hateful comments must sometimes bring to you.
Also, shingles on your stomach and having to shield your little lady from them sounds awful, BUT be glad you're not my freshman English teacher who got shingles on her face and one of her EYES!!! Can you imagine anything more grody and painful?! Yuck. Poor Mrs. Bathgate.
78. Abby said:
Hee! I will happily click-click-click so you may make money off of dumb meanies and generally whiny people who have nothing better to do. Off I go!
79. Mackenzie said:
Glorious. After your earlier tweet today, I was hoping for an explanatory post. I am so looking forward to reading the nutjob fodder, and commend you for being able to put up with it on a steady basis.
80. Kimmy said:
I clicked on the links Jon posted on Twitter & the second one, which happens to be the first I glanced at, makes MUCH more sense now that I've read your entry. haha
81. Taylor K said:
I didn't think anyone had contracted SHINGLES! since Laura Ingalls Wilder roamed the prairies. CRAZY ASS SHIT!
82. Jen said:
OMG I normally don't post comments but that is the most awesome thing ever! Way to stick it to the haters with wads of cash!
83. Liz said:
LOVE it!
84. Mrs. Wilson said:
I don't have one single hateful or mean thing to say to or about you. I love your blog. You make me laugh. You make me tear up. You give me hope that I WILL feel normal again with this stupid ugly depression thing and you make me realize that asking for help is not a sign of weakness.
I appreciate you. I appreciate your blog. I think your children (and you) are BEAUTIFUL.
I do NOT appreciate all the hate that is said to and about you.
ps. When you wrote, "I text both Jon and Katey at home: DUDE. I HAVE SHINGLES!" For a second I was like, what the heck? She texs Jon & Kate (Plus 8)? OH! Right! Idiot! Um, hi! I watch too much TLC.
pps. Can you post photos of you rolling around in all the money? Clothed? I know you get lots of naked requests, so I thought I'd throw a clothed one out there.
85. Becca said:
I've been reading your blog for about 3 years now - and it's helped me ENORMOUSLY through some very bad, very dark depressive 'epsisodes', and for that, there aren't enough words to thank you for expressing so much that I was incapable of verbalising myself. And you know what? F*cking brilliant idea! Go forth and multiply the cash Heather! You and your family deserve every single penny! xx
86. Erika said:
Even if I may not share the same views with you all the time, there is no doubt that you love your girls and your husband. Didn't these people's moms teach them that if they don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all?!?!
87. Keely said:
Oh my God this is amazing. Genius!!
Hope the shingles heal quickly.
88. Brooke said:
AWESOME!! I got my first nasty hate mail the other day. I talk about my mother-in-law quite a bit, because she is crazy. Recently, I noticed that quite a few people were finding my site by looking up "hot mother-in-law", "I want to have sex with my mother-in-law", etc. So, I posted about it, basically saying, "Wow, Google blew this one. My mother-in-law is none of those things." Apparently, I was judging the random internet searchers and my life has no meaning! Who knew?
So, I think you can judge the success of a website by the amount of hate mail! Turn the negatives into a positive :)
89. Bren said:
Like we needed ANOTHER reason to worship at your altar?
YOU.
FUCKING.
ROCK.
The world needs WAY more HeatherJonLetaMarlos and a whole lot less haters. Glad to see you workin' the balance.
90. Sarah said:
I LOOOVE THIS.
A request though... I don't know if it would be hard but I'd love to vote for, or 'like' the hateful comments Facebook-style so we have a hatemail wall-of-fame.
Some of those are just BEAUTIFUL. I can not only see/feel but *hear* the low self-esteem flowing from my monitor.
Keep doing what you're doing! I love the blog because it's relatable and entertaining and because you're not a robot. I don't know what these people are expecting but good for you.
This is probably the best idea for responding to negativity that I've ever heard. You're lucky you have the platform... well not lucky, you've earned it.
91. Britiney said:
Oh. My. Word. Your new website is my favorite thing EVER. And every time I stopped reading the comments and looked at all the ads I'd laugh a sadistic laugh. I wanted to shed a tiny sarcastic tear for everyone who said they'll never read your blog again. Really. We're so sad you're gone. *snif*
P.S. Sorry about the SHINGLES!!
92. Anonymous said:
Brilliant. Just. Brilliant.
93. Dawn said:
Sorry about the SHINGLES! That totally sucks. On the other hand, the hate mail page is awesomely fantastic. I'll buy some $24 mascara (too bad for the saltine eaters) if it makes you even more money; that's how much I love it. I guess I just can't imagine having so much time on my hands that I set up dynamite computer IP whatzits so I can leave anonymous hateful comments on someone's website.
94. NENE again said:
My sister had shingles she when she was 3, went into a coma and almost died, they said she would never be the same. She turned out fine. Good luck on yours, hope you heal very fast.
95. bearing said:
You rock. Will you be enabling the comments on the hate mail?
96. Katie said:
holy cow, What an awesome idea.
those comments are horrid. and hilarious.
97. Aoife said:
Read about the shingles on twitter and really thought christ give this woman a break will you? (had just been reading the moronic comments about your appearance with the Kardashians - in which you totally held your own and were magnificent, not the least bit cowed by their so-called celebrity status and you said nothing worse than her own mother and friends had already).
Anyway, loving the hate page.... ROLL ROLL ROLL in that money.
98. Elaine said:
Good for you!
99. ChristinaO said:
Hmm, You might want to wait until the SHINGLES! clear up before rolling around in all that money.
Then again, hate mail from the Never Had Chicken Pox But Now Do Because Dooce Spread Her SHINGLES! All Over This Money She Just Spent could be rather interesting.
100. Bren said:
Like we needed ANOTHER reason to worship at your altar?
YOU.
FUCKING.
ROCK.
The world needs WAY more HeatherJonLetaMarlos and a whole lot less haters. Glad to see you workin' the balance.
101. MamaSkates said:
pure genius!
102. Britiney said:
Oh. My. Word. Your new website is my favorite thing EVER. And every time I stopped reading the comments and looked at all the ads I'd laugh a sadistic laugh. I wanted to shed a tiny sarcastic tear for everyone who said they'll never read your blog again. Really. We're so sad you're gone. *snif*
P.S. Sorry about the SHINGLES!!
103. Susie said:
Powered by douchebags! You guys make my day.
104. Kim said:
Hurray! For making $$$$ on da hate!
BOOOOO! For SHINGLES! (Hope you get better really soon!)
You are a strong woman to put up with the arrows of hate...which always points to the person who speaks up and articulates her experience honestly.
Da Haters are black soul-less worms that have no life...(they feed on the bad voodoo they spew). They sort of remind me of Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
Keep up the excellent work! Remember you are considered one of the most influential women right now...(da haters are jealous.)
105. Cris said:
Shingles, eek. Hope you get better soon.
And now I'm off to click on some ads on that page! :D
106. Diana G said:
The road to having a thick skin sucks so hard...but goddamn, it is awesome to get there. Monetizing the hate is possibly the best shortcut ever.
Feel better soon.
107. heather{dot}com said:
I thought shingles was just one of those things people talk about but don't actually get. Shows what I know.
You & Jon (or houseboy, as I believe he's known in some circles) are a couple of smart assheads! Can't wait to read more! Good for you guys!
108. Melinda said:
You are awesome! I love the Monetizing the Hate website...great idea. Might as well turn all that negative into something positive. I will visit often to help rack up the money. You're welcome.
109. Crystal D said:
You are cracking me up! I LOVE this idea.
My daughter got the SHINGLES! when she was 4. It was due to some kind of reaction to her chicken pox vaccine followed up by a flu shot... in other words who knows how she got it. It doesn't hurt or really itch with little kids, so it was fine, but seriously SHINGLES!
110. Stacey said:
This rocks. I'm having issues keeping from laughing out loud at some of the very-detached-from-reality comments, so I don't wake my 8-month old up.
PS - Heather, you've been an honest-to-generic-higher-power inspiration for a new mom who was just diagnosed with depression. Love the site, plan on getting the books and wish you all the best with your family for the future :)
111. AlwaysArousedGirl said:
Awesome.
Now can you please figure out a way to Monetize the Hate coming from a certain faction of the Republican Party?
If you could, surely it would pay for all the health care the entire country would ever need forever.
112. fhm said:
Heather should get a cut of the hatefund. That's brilliant.
113. Lyn said:
People seem to think that because it's the internet, it's okay to be an anonymous ass because it's not like you hurt REAL PEOPLE on the internet, right? If you were standing in front of them, looming with the SHINGLES, I bet they'd not be quite so douchilicious. I hope you get lots of glorious munnies and buy lots of stuff to annoy people with. To make more munnies.
114. Adventures In Babywearing said:
I am appalled at how hateful and hurtful people can be. It makes me sad that you have to have this as a part of your blogging success and I admire how well you take it in stride.
Steph
115. Jessica said:
Ugh. I am so sorry all those people are such assholes to you. I only made it to page 3 of the hate mail before I had to stop reading, because it was making me get all sniffly on your behalf. Nobody deserves to read that kind of hateful crap all the time.
You're awesome. You don't look like a man. I love your writing. Both your kids are adorable. You have great fashion sense. I don't mind political posts. You're not annoying.
116. Miss Thystle said:
Damn. I *never* get good hate mail. Or maybe I do, but it's in Russian. That could also be porn spam. Either way, at least it's a comment right?
I'm going to go amuse myself with YOUR hatemail now, so that I can make Leta some more therapy money. Because she's totally going to need it since you are alledgedly a pointy chinned asshead who loves waffle fries more than your own children.
PS. I love the word "asshead". It's so much more insulting than "ass hat".
PPS. SHINGLES! sucks
117. Danna said:
Awesome! Totally Awesome!!! not the shingles though.
118. Paula said:
Brilliant. I will click click click my asshead off so you can live off of the bat shit crazies. xoxo
Hope you feel better soon.
119. Emily said:
A hilarious and genius idea! Some people are very bizarre and I think showing strange gone bad (and sometimes hilarious) is just the ticket to reveal who these crazies really are. I so enjoy reading your blog - your thoughts and the wonderful life you've made with your family are told in such a compelling way. Bravo!
120. Meredith said:
That's hilarious. You know, if they don't like your material, they can just not read it. Did that thought ever occur to these people? In any case, make money at their expense! A seriously awesome idea.
121. Jen said:
Oh. How. Awesome.
I had shingles when I was 17. I too was all, WTF????!?!
Okay, off to click click click through the hate pages and make you some money!
122. Cam said:
Holy SHINGLES! I can't even get to the Hate page because of the heavy traffic.
Woman, you're a genius. And a pretty thick-skinned genius, I might add.
123. Greg said:
All I can think of is my college housemate who got SHINGLES! our senior year. I mean, really? Who gets SHINGLES!?
And as part of what is probably your smallest demographic (27 year old straight male), keep it up. I have a half-brother who was born about the same time as Leta, and it's been fun to watch them grow up in their separate worlds.
124. Ana said:
This is awesome! You rock, lady!
125. Amy said:
You're awesome, Heather.
It still amazes me that people hate (and yet care?) enough to send such awful things about you and your family. I mean, really? REALLY? But you're a better person than me in how you deal with it so well!
Rock on and make $$ off that hate.
126. Annalise said:
I am so excited for this new feature! It's going to provide A LOT of entertainment. However, I'm also very sad that you have that much hate mail coming in. Don't believe anything those haters say, there are thousands of us that love this site!
127. Christie said:
See...You are so smart. This is why we love you so.
@cshift3
128. Charlie said:
There are such odious cretins on the internet.
For the record, I love your site. I read your posts aloud to my boyfriend while he's working and he loves them too... and there are not many websites he lets me read to him!
Just for you, I clicked ALL the ads on the page, you totally deserve it!
<3
129. Labradoris said:
Dooce, I think you just broke the internet in the best way possible. <3 it.
130. Charlie said:
There are such odious cretins on the internet.
For the record, I love your site. I read your posts aloud to my boyfriend while he's working and he loves them too... and there are not many websites he lets me read to him!
Just for you, I clicked ALL the ads on the page, you totally deserve it!
<3
131. Bea said:
YES! Anonymity makes people so brave doesn't it? I love the way you don't just sit down and take it, and instead karate chop their asses.
132. kirstin said:
ok seriously why does one get these horrible totally passable to small children diseases when you're trying to do the right thing by breastfeeding? my baby is 17 months (and yes i'm a horrible horrible possibly abusive mother because he's still breastfeeding but anyways) and so far i've had pink eye, the flu, freaking ringworm (on the middle of my arm cause that was SUCH a convenient location when you have a infant that wants to be held 24/7), and of course my favorite, thrush. oh and then there was my husband's festering SMALLPOX vaccination. thank you uncle sam for that one.
shingles are vile. i'm sorry. hopefully they'll pass quickly!
133. Lindsay said:
damn, I can't wait to read all the hate mail and it seems like everyone else can't wait either, I think the server is gonna crash!
Good luck with the SHINGLES!
134. Steph said:
I think...I think I love you. The idea of frustrated, sad anonymous haters being used to achieve a goal they'd despise is delicious.
135. Dana said:
I got SHINGLES! last year too. I was like, SHINGLES isn't that what old people get. No one believed me either. It sucked, I have a 3 month old little one also and I can't imagine having to feed her with that. My doctor told me it was from STRESS...go figure.
As for the HATERS, I can't believe that shit. I think the page is a great way to solve it. I never read the comments I can not for the life of me figure out why people would write such crap.
136. Lori W said:
Heather I TOTALLY understand your frustration with shingles and I have a story to try to "help" you maybe feel better...
My lovely daughter Alicia contracted chickenpox when she was 2 WEEKS old (yes I said TWO WEEKS) from her brother who got it from daycare. Alicia got 1 pox in the middle of her forehead so that she looked like some Indian goddess who gives the blessing of dirty diapers and of loud noises (she snored within 2 hours of being born).
So if this wasn't enough we had the problem of I HAD NEVER HAD CHICKENPOX not ever ever ever so we were worried about me getting them. Wayne (my husband) had had them as a child and we even talked to his mom who said he had a big dose of them when he was a kid so that is supposed to give you immunity right? WRONG! Wayne got a bad case from the kids and had poxs the size of half dollars for our 3rd anniversary! Vodka was the present for the day and Wayne drank himself into a stupor.
One year later to the DAY Alicia got her pox she broke out in SHINGLES!!! All across her stomach and back and I would sit there and watch the "water" ebb and flow with her heartbeat. It was horrible!!!
Alicia is now almost 20 and never had shingles again, (though I am surprised because she has had so many other things that almost killed her) and I have been exposed to chicken pox 5-6 times since and NEVER gotten them.
As for the bad behavior people they can go walk of a short pier!
137. Lori W said:
Heather I TOTALLY understand your frustration with shingles and I have a story to try to "help" you maybe feel better...
My lovely daughter Alicia contracted chickenpox when she was 2 WEEKS old (yes I said TWO WEEKS) from her brother who got it from daycare. Alicia got 1 pox in the middle of her forehead so that she looked like some Indian goddess who gives the blessing of dirty diapers and of loud noises (she snored within 2 hours of being born).
So if this wasn't enough we had the problem of I HAD NEVER HAD CHICKENPOX not ever ever ever so we were worried about me getting them. Wayne (my husband) had had them as a child and we even talked to his mom who said he had a big dose of them when he was a kid so that is supposed to give you immunity right? WRONG! Wayne got a bad case from the kids and had poxs the size of half dollars for our 3rd anniversary! Vodka was the present for the day and Wayne drank himself into a stupor.
One year later to the DAY Alicia got her pox she broke out in SHINGLES!!! All across her stomach and back and I would sit there and watch the "water" ebb and flow with her heartbeat. It was horrible!!!
Alicia is now almost 20 and never had shingles again, (though I am surprised because she has had so many other things that almost killed her) and I have been exposed to chicken pox 5-6 times since and NEVER gotten them.
As for the bad behavior people they can go walk of a short pier!
138. Lauren said:
LOL omg that is possibly the best idea ever!!!! You guys crack me up :-)
P.S. more marlo pics! lol
139. Sheena said:
I've been reading you for ages now and it's a blog I just have to keep referring people to. You always seem to express positivity despite circumstance.
This post is comment worthy, well done!
SHINGLES!
Feel better soon!
140. jodimichelle said:
Love it, you should have done this years ago. I hope you build your Blog Cabin with all this dirty, dirty money you're sure to make. GO BLURBODOOCERY!
141. Shannon (knitgrrl) said:
That is so fantastic, I'm lacking even better words to describe how fantastic it is. I remember first reading your site ages ago, bored at work, thinking "gosh, her coworkers sound just as bad as mine..." Here we are years later and you are still awesome and the haters, well, aren't. Good on you.
142. undernova said:
You are BRILLIANT and I will click it several, SEVERAL times for you because SHINGLES!!! love to be covered in money!
HIGH FIVE!!!
143. Jesse said:
I WANT TO LICK YOUR TAINT AND SNIFF YOUR SWEATY JOCK STRAP!
Sigh.
144. Ashleigh said:
brilliant. that's all.
145. The Prima Momma said:
Heather, you are my favorite asshead. I'm sorry you have SHINGLES! (I will now Google how the hell one contracts SHINGLES! - probably by being overly awesome - cause you are.)
We are currently dealing with Official Swine Flu (H1N1) at our house. SO MUCH FUN.
Feel better soon.
K
146. doug said:
Excellent idea. Now if you could only give them your shingles, FREE WITH EVERY VITRIOLIC ANONYMOUS COMMENT!
147. Amanda said:
picturing a commercial in my head
heather sitting at the desk looking at "Monetizing the Hate", Jon in the forground with the adsense counter on his laptop screen.
A bubble caption with chuck in the background saying "make fun of me now bitches"
ha!
good job armstrongs good job
148. abby said:
oh I've got one for you:
My Grandpa died because of Shingles. It's not funny.
But seriously, he really did die. It's great that you caught it so quickly. If left to fester, it can be a nightmare. Get well soon!
149. Selena said:
So sorry about the SHINGLES! My husband got it (them?) right after our daughter was born and wasn't allowed near us for a while. It sucked.
Oh, and, go and buy lots of $24 mascara with all that monetized hate! :)
PS my captcha word is "payment"!
150. Not Anonymous - SINDA said:
So my grandfather had shingles, and he said it sucked. I'm so sorry, and I can't imagine how hard it is, and scary, to have to keep Marlo away from it.
Heather + Heather + Jon - you are all brilliant, and I can't believe there are so many asshat losers let loose on the internet. I'm THRILLED that you'll make money off of them.
Hang in there -
151. Selena said:
So sorry about the SHINGLES! My husband got it (them?) right after our daughter was born and wasn't allowed near us for a while. It sucked.
Oh, and, go and buy lots of $24 mascara with all that monetized hate! :)
PS my captcha word is "payment"!
152. Wild to Child said:
That's a great idea! Maybe I should try doing it...
Amber
http://www.wildtochild.com
153. abby said:
oh I've got one for you:
My Grandpa died because of Shingles. It's not funny.
But seriously, he really did die. It's great that you caught it so quickly. If left to fester, it can be a nightmare. Get well soon!
154. Kelly said:
OUTSTANDING!!! I love it! Just one more reason that I continue to read your site and talk about it with, um, anyone who will listen to me! Congrats on a super creative way to deal with the haters!
155. Anonymous said:
I hope you make a bazillion dollars off of the haters! Good for you. Especially the ones with typos. God love 'em.
156. Anonymous said:
I hope you make a bazillion dollars off of the haters! Good for you. Especially the ones with typos. God love 'em.
157. Kara said:
Brilliant! And I'm so totally going to click on the Monetize the Hate page like every day (well, i may forget. but i'll do it most days) so your advertisers will see all these clicks on their page and imagine the people who are clicking are running right out there and buying their products. and then you will be RICH! And you can sit on your jewel-encrusted throne and look down at the haters (look down past your SHINGLES! belly), and say "neener neener neener - i win and you suck!". And then Jon can go buy diamond dust clogs. Or real shoes (sorry Jon, but c'mon with the clogs).
luv,
not-anonymous Kara in Portland
158. Vi said:
I just took a look at the insult comments and WOW, some people are PSYCHO.
I've been quietly reading your blog for the last few months and never really felt compelled to comment until now.
159. An Fear Bolg said:
LOVE
160. Noelle said:
Awesome. Just awesome. I hope you make a million freakin' dollars!
161. Sarah said:
With all the sincerity in my heart: I hope you make enough money to buy those diamond-encrusted panties you've always wanted.
p.s. Turning Hate to Cold Hard Ca$h! Cash 4 Gold can suck it! (I just wanted to type Ca$h. it's so delightfully tacky!
162. IAmPinkDog said:
Heather, I heart you. And I heart Chuck. And his long toenails. You are an internet ninja. Brilliant.
163. darcie said:
CHA-CHING, dude.
I feel like it's christmas.
please post photos of you rolling nekkid in said money? ;)
164. Jasmine said:
This is AMAZING. I hope you make forty bajillion dollars on my hits alone!
165. Meggie said:
Dooce and co. -
Why not also put up a page with no ads whatsoever with all the emails you receive of people explaining how you've touched their lives?
As funny as I think the idea of the money making hate mail machine is, I feel like that would be an incredible way of not only fighting the hate chorus down, but of sharing your huge impact on numerous people and their hearts and lives.
166. Jennifer said:
your sense of humour is always such an inspiration to me...fellow depression sufferer. i also have the life motto that if the world hands you shit, make shit-ade...wait, i don't think that's right. i LOVE the new hate site. p.s. st john's wort oil rubbed several times daily on the SHINGLES! might help dull the pain.
167. Anonymous said:
Awesome, but wow people suck. Who has room in their life to be upset about a blog and who takes themselves that seriously?
168. Douche-Free Anonymous Guy said:
Jolly jumping willickers, Batman! You sure do receive an awfully large amount of unnecessarily cruel hatemail.
Seeing all of it makes you pause and wonder about humanity sometimes. Why some people get such satisfaction from tearing others down. Is it jealousy based in some misperception that those who write comments should be making a living on a blog instead of you because they feel they are more qualified? Does the anonymity empower people to act out aggressively because it is without consequence? I don't get it. It's sad. Makes me wonder if I really want my own blog to ever be successful or get attention.
On the other hand, I must sincerely commend you for the way you are dealing with it. It's like when some impatient a-hole on the highway (who is in the wrong) gets all worked up and flips the bird, I found it is far more satisfying to wave back instead of get angry and flip him off. If it doesn't confuse, it just gets him all the more pissed off.
Kudos and keep up the great work. For every douche bag out there, there are multitudes more who love you and what you do.
169. kentuckienne said:
Monetizing the hate is pure, pure genius. And reading through a few of them; my, people sure are crazy, and you must be incredibly resilient. I would be sobbing into my vodka if I received these every day --
170. DRL said:
So excited about the new site! You are a million kinds of awesome, it is thrilling y'all will be profiting from the idiots who write foolishness to you. I heard on twitter about your SHINGLES and I feel terribly sorry for you. I have had chicken pox twice (lucky me) once at six and the second time at 25. (God, I hope I never get the SHINGLES...) Hope you recover as quickly as possible.
171. darcie said:
CHA-CHING, dude.
I feel like it's christmas.
please post photos of you rolling nekkid in said money? ;)
172. The Prima Momma said:
BTW - Elvis use to sell "I hate Elvis" buttons. He was making money off his haters too. Teehee
Have you seen this?
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4b0a16ff71/casey-wilson-reads-internet-...
kind of fitting...
173. Jess F. said:
I love it! Just don't get your shingles on the money while you are rolling around naked in it :)
174. Jessica said:
Who says "asshead"? I mean really? What kind of insult is that?
Although, that may be an awesome argument winning insult..You know the saying "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, stun them with stupidity"...wait that may not be right.. :-)
I will make sure to click on ALL the ads so both kids can get their therapy!
Great idea other Heather!
175. Anonymous said:
I think each individual that is featured on this new page should get some sort of notification congratulating them on being featured on the page "powered by douche bags"
176. KSM said:
I think that it is hilarious that people come to your site, read your blog, and then post that they hate it, or you, or your family. I mean, if they don't like you.. why do they come here and read your site?? Either way, I LOVE your site, and think that this idea is brilliant!! Also, thank you for your wonderful website! You have a great family!
177. Cindi said:
You should have a "Daily Hate" tab in the top right corner or your website.
I'm so-o looking forward to my first piece of hatemail. Please send me some hatemail dooce!
178. soppho said:
Holy wow, those comments. My head cocks further and further to the side as I read each one, and now I think I've snapped something in my neck.
So now I have no choice but to go write you a nasty email about the debilitating neck pain that you've inflicted upon me, and also, for no reason, 39.2 reasons why I hate the color of the walls in your hall, even though I'm not sure that I've ever seen the hallway before. But I just KNOW it's awful.
179. Louise said:
Totally brilliant, well done! And so sorry to hear about the SHINGLES.
180. Amber N. said:
I am so sorry that people say these things to you. I cannot even comprehend how ridiculous they sound. I love, love that you made a website out of it. You are awesome and it totally brightens my day to see the Dooce feeds show up on my RSS reader. Thanks for doing what you do!
181. Swedish Pankakes said:
Brilliant. I love this so much it makes me hate you. HATE. HATE.
(feel free to monetize that).
182. GG said:
Shingles! Ouch! Poor you. Take care.
This is my first comment on dooce ever -
All those haters who thought you were overdramatizing the fact that Leta had a hard time walking need to get a life.
My baby has been diagnosed with hypotonia, gets regular physical therapy and is scheduled for an MRI soon.
At least I found browsing the archives for Leta immensely informative. Kudos to you and Jon for persevering!
183. kristin k said:
In the words of Daffy Duck...GENIUS. SHEER GENIUS.
184. Swedish Pankakes said:
Brilliant. I love this so much it makes me hate you. HATE. HATE.
(feel free to monetize that).
185. Susie said:
oh god. SHINGLES! the horror. the horror. that was the eleventh plague after killing of the first born. ask the egyptians.
186. Jenny said:
You are great Heather. Sorry you are sick. I hope you keep fighting the haters and writing this blog. I look forward to reading it each day.
187. Sandra said:
HAHAHAHA, you totally made my day! I hope you make truckloads of cash, exposing this crap-mail. I still laugh at the "two words: lame".
Humor is the way to fight evil.
:-) Sandra
188. Kyre said:
The only thing that could make 'monetizing the hate' better: blinking rainbow spinning gifs.
Ah, well. Nothing is perfect.
Feel better soon!
(Ha! My 'prove you're human' words to submit this comment? Round Lactose! Sweet!)
189. Michele White said:
All I have to say is that the mascara you linked is the best mascara EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So piss on all those people who berated you for linking it. I LOVE IT!
190. Natalie said:
OMG some people are effed up and bitter. Thank you for sharing their gold in a constructive and genius forum.
PS You have also confirmed my fears from nearly 2 years ago when my father-in-law who was shingle-fied insisted that his skin condition was no threat to my 3 week old baby!
191. Leslie said:
Less Awe, More Pity deserves it's own masthead.
192. MotherProof said:
You are a genius. I'm sorry you won't make any money off that. I can't help it. I just love you too much to hate you. Even for enough money to roll around in naked.
193. kari lou said:
I will help monetize the hate!!! I think it's wonderful and smart. I am 4 pages in, and these comments are delicious! Also I have been clicking on all the ads. Gotta get those click throughs.
194. Rachelle said:
DUDE! SHINGLES SUCK!!! My dad, my father-in-law and my brother's mother-in-law all had SHINGLES this summer! They were miserable for a month (at least). And my 3 year old niece did get chicken pox from her grandma. SUCKS!!! Hang in there! If you did have chicken pox as a kid, the antibodies are still in you and thus getting to Marlo... lessening her chance of getting them or the severity.
195. Cassandra said:
Heather, I often wondered how you could keep writing and putting yourself out there after what people say about you and your wonderful family! I think it's time for a little pay back and it is, as always, a bitch. Asshead!!!
196. Sobrina said:
This fabulous idea is why you are number 26! Number 26!!
197. Jessica said:
Oh please please PLEASE allow comments on Monetizing The Hate! That page is the most brilliant idea ever. And the ads? Pure perfection.
198. Juli said:
I think the most amusing negative comments are the ones telling you that you're worthless, and therefore, you should quit blogging. As if you're going to read that and be like OMFG, YOU'RE RIGHT, WHY AM I DOING THIS??!?!? and shut it all down thanks to their revelatory comment.
But what's hilarious is that all these people talking shit about who reads your blog are READING YOUR BLOG. And invested enough to go out of their way to comment or email. I'm not sure that's proving their point when they threaten to quit - it's only emphasizing your ability to draw people in emotionally. If they really wanted to make a point, they'd just quietly quit reading!
199. George said:
Funny stuff! I think the more you can laugh at people like this, and they are legion, the healthier you are. Lovin' your sense of humor.
200. Charles G. said:
Your "Monetizing The Hate" campaign would be that much better with a little one-liner editorial commentary to go along with each entry. Otherwise, very entertaining =)
201. Anonymous said:
YES! I'm a business owner and so wish I could go public with some of the awful a$$ sh!t people say to me. I hope you make a fortune with this. :D
-Can't Sign My Name Because I Have to Be the Bigger Person
202. Christine said:
I think I love you.
203. nick s said:
It's the "Powered by douchebags" that really ties the room together.
204. Keri said:
AWESOME! Your friend is a genius!! Good for you for following through on her suggestion, because HOLY CRAP, that is some good reading right there! Enjoy your money baths!
I'm sorry to hear about the shingles, that really sucks. I sincerely hope you are able to keep from giving the chicken pox to Marlo. Best of luck!
205. Shnerfle said:
I'm totally jealous. I wish people hated ME enough that I could make boatloads of cash from posting their crap. I mean, how easy would that be? I wouldn't even have to do any work of my own!
Honestly, you are smart and a great mom and too funny and I will never understand the people who take time out of their days to spew hatred at strangers. I mean, profit by them, by all means, I just won't ever understand it.
206. Abby said:
I love it. HOORAY, CAPITALISM!
This is my new favorite thing: "Now go cash your WIC, welfare, and meet your HUD qualifications so you can keep writing delusional pieces of self absorbed garbage that only YOU thinks is good."
GEEZ. REALLY. GO.
smooches and clicks,
Abby
207. ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ said:
OH. MY. GAWD!
Does this mean I won't have to go there any more since it will all be here?
And I think it still needs more ads! MORE ADS!
208. Julie Anne said:
1. SHINGLES! That does suck. I'm so sorry. Hope they go away soon.
2. Amazed that people have the time and energy to send criticize you to the level that they do.
2. Asshead? Really that is the best they could come up with?
Thanks for making me smile, as usual. Now I've got some ads to click on. :-)
209. Bridget said:
Sorry to hear about the shingles. I haven't had them and do not look forward to having them.
RE: Monetizing the Hate-
Comments are horrible and appalling. Who are these people?
The products: Did you select them especially for the yucky people who have made the comments or are they for us after we have wallowed in them for a while.
I especially want the Amazon Bee-Gee Poster.
210. angelique said:
p.s. I love you (and Heather Champ). This is brilliant!
211. Holly said:
We're particularly fond of "Ass Hat" in our house. I'm amazed you haven't thrown in the towel. I, for one would completely lose faith in the intelligence of the populace and move far, far away. I'm also amazed that all these people who profess to hate your site spend so much time following it. Are you sure you weren't a collections agent or professional balloon popper in a past life?
212. Evilsciencechick said:
GENIUS. and now, after reading ALL of them...I need to go take a long hot shower.
213. Juli said:
Also, I'm glad you didn't eat your baby. She's pretty cute. Thank god for prozac!
214. Nat said:
Oh, I'm so going to click the sh*t out of the ads on Monetizing the Hate just so you make even more money out of the crazies! Does get me wondering what they think writers do though as they all seem to hate you for using creative language to make more money and here was I thinking that writers just burp it out of their a*se and hope for the best!
And one of the ads was for "Barbie® & The Diamond Castle Princess Liana Doll"- do not let Leta near it!
215. mediumcrazy said:
This really is brilliant. You put up with so much nasty abuse from true idiots and I really think if it were me I would have thrown my hands up years ago because, ouch. Make a buck!! Lemonade from some evil, douchey lemons. I love it.
216. Kathy S. said:
Hi - I'm a long time reader, but never commented until today when I read that people are giving you crap about Chuck's toenails. OMG!!! Every time I take my dogs to PetsMart to get their nails clipped I'm sure the toenail police are going to take them away from me because I waited so long to get them done!!! I almost passed ice tea thru my nose and all over my monitor when I read that.
By the way - YOU ROCK! And you were great on Bonnie Hunt.
And I'm sorry about your shingles. Bummer.
217. Jessie said:
Wow, just wow.
AWESOME.
218. margaret said:
You rock. You amuse the masses- don't let the judgmental morons get to you.
219. Anonymous said:
When I was in college, I managed a grocery story part time (and I use the term “managed” loosely, because it mostly involved eating a lot of snacks and gawking at attractive customers). In our downtime (ha), my friend and I would start to invent reasons why people would call out sick from work, and I always said either “rickets” or “SHINGLES”, thinking that both of them were conditions that only occurred on pirate ships or in Dickens novels. I’m sorry that they’re real and that you have them. Also, you are fantastic, the end.
220. Sammy said:
*blink* So according to vast majority of the comments, you must die because you are...you? And have opinions? (and my gosh! some are political)
My oh my, are there some seriously worrisome people in the world who apparently think that:
A. we should have never moved out of the 1950's gender roles.
B. people with mental illnesses shouldn't be allowed to have lives, or share them with others.
C. Although you can not share you opinion, you must listen to their ill-spelled rantings that sound like they came out of the mouth of a 5th grader drunk on vodka.
Huh. Strange, that.
(And I love the accusations you fake your votes, awards, comments and twitter followers. You must be very very busy).
221. Anonymous said:
holy crap - people are assholes! Dude, you should get a less stressful job. Like brain surgeon, or sniper, or assassin for the MOSSAD.
222. Crystal said:
I am loving the hate page. I just wish we could comment on the comments - some of them are gold. I can totally put a face to each one.
223. Liz C said:
You. Win.
224. Shelley said:
Gotta say, you ROCK the party Heather, nice work! sorry to hear about the shingles...that sucks the big one! someone get this woman some waffle fries!
225. Courtney said:
SHINGLES!
Jealousy comes in all forms... even from 'Haters'!
Continue on with your AWESOMENESS!
226. Emily said:
hahahahahahahahaha!
UNFOLLOW!!!
227. JennKstep said:
My new very favorite curse-word is ASSHEAD. ^_^
228. Angela said:
Haha!
Freaking LOVE the hate mail page :)
229. Erin said:
You are the second person whose blog I've read today to get a diagnosis of shingles! Is there a shingles epidemic or what?
My husband had shingles when he was 24. It hurt so bad on his side/hip area that he couldn't even wear pants without being in pain. I think there's a witty comment in there about you and your hatred of pants, but I'll let the actual witty people come up with it.
230. HeidiG said:
First of all, SHINGLES! SUCK THE BIG ONE. I am so sorry. I had them last year and had to wear long sleeves to a funeral in August as to not give all the huggers the chicken pox. OH THE PAIN!
And you haters? You all suck the big one. More than the SHINGLES! and I hope you get them on your asses.
Love you Heather!
231. traci said:
Abso-freaking-lutely BRILLIANT.
I love this. LOVE it.
You are a genius Heather.
Pure. Genius.
And...
Feel better soon. :)
232. Amy said:
I've always been curious about the crazies! Monetizing the Hate is brilliant!
You, your blog, your family and your dogs are all awesome!
233. shelly said:
HIGH FREAKING FIVE HEATHER!
hate page? win.
ps. sorry about the SINGLES! hope you get better soon.
234. vakadesign said:
You go! What an awesome idea, and a great way to be proactive about not swallowing the asshead crap being tossed at you by assheads with nothing to do but be assheady.
And dude, I'm so sorry about the SHINGLES! That's wicked sucky.
I will make you a pretty silver seaglass ring to wear while you have SHINGLES! because I feel so sorry for you, k?
235. LeFiffre said:
And here, for the past three weeks, I've been shopping at Smith's and cussing the overhead in-store commercials that urge the over-65s who've had chicken pox to ask their pharmacist about SHINGLES! medication. No mention of women in their childbearing years. Anyway, I'm mentally referencing the $30B that pharama companies spend annually to encourage myfeller'mercans to demand their physicians prescribe this or that to fuel our over-medicated cost-spiral.
And now?
Now the commercials will induce "hello Heather!" and "mebbe I should sorta broach the subject obliquely with the pharmacist. Jusincase."
Oh, and if you need to see a dermatologist, Dr. Michael Hadley is the best in SLC and 11 surrounding states. No, that's not me.
236. Bonny said:
I jumped over to the Hate Page and I just feel so sad that people would actually go out of their way to say such mean things. They act like you killed their first born or something. If you don't like it, don't read it!
Good for you for not letting all that crap get to you.
237. Rissa said:
I was like, what are all these people doin' here? And she was like, IT'S DA MALL. She axed me what I want to eat, and I was like, BITCH. GET ME A CHICKEN SANDWICH. And some WAFFLE FRIES. FO' FREE!
Who said Dooce wasn't cool?
LOVESSS the Hate page. Good for you.
238. Jen said:
I fucking love you, Heather B. Armstrong. You are my hero.
Keep doing what you're doing -- you're doing it RIGHT. ALL OF IT.
And you are adored.
(I've been reading your blog for YEARS and have commented approximately three times total, so take heart that you are revered and adored and praised in so many ways than just what is represented here on the Internet.)
With huge love & big hugs (but not on your SHINGLES!-covered abdomen! Ewww!),
Jen
(merely one of your thousands of devoted admirers & followers)
239. Laura said:
finally! more ways for you to entertain and distract me during the workday. THANKS for sharing this hilarious hate mail. i hope it makes you lots of money and that your SHINGLES! go away.
240. kristin said:
Oh my goodness, I love it so much. The amount of ads alone is hilarious, and then we get to read things the mean crazies write, which is always good for a laugh (and always makes me so happy I'm not a mean crazy). It's pure genius. I hope you rake it in (and best of luck with those SHINGLES)!
241. Anonymous said:
Thanks for this post Heather! Such an awesome idea for all those losers out there.
You rock. Shingles suck ass and I look forward to your blog every single day!
242. Anonymous said:
Wow - I had no idea people were being so HORRID! I am so sorry!
243. Jessica said:
Genius! You deserve every dollar that comes in from these idiot's hate. You do not, however, deserve SHINGLES! good luck with that :)
244. alissa said:
I scrolled through 12 pages in search for the 'vitriolic screed' comment.. can you put that one on your monetizing page?
Smart move, dooce! Hope the shingles heal soon.
245. Kylie said:
I think I love you.
246. Melissa said:
OMG, I freaking LOVE YOU. lol What a way to deal with it - turn it into a paycheck! I think you, Jon, and your friends are genious! ;) Keep it up, girl!
247. Beanie said:
Love it.
I only read a few of them but what I find funny is the one person who was all, oh I never read your site, just came on today but you are so annoying and then proceeded to reference shit you've discussed months ago.
Hated it so much you spent three hours reading the archives, huh?
248. Jackie said:
You Go Girl!
ps. sorry about the SHINGLES!
249. Kelly Thomas said:
I feel terrible for saying this, because no one should have to put up with the ignorant things people say to you (unless of course you hunt the haters all down individually and mud-wrestle them to the ground until they plead "Uncle" and reluctantly read your blog....because that's what they make it seem like) but your hate site is quite possibly the funniest thing ever. I hope you make scads of money and use it to buy more expensive throw pillows and color blind skirts for Leta. :)
250. Kylie said:
I've just had a peek at the new addition to your site and cannot believe people actually send you emails like that. What the hell? Clearly they were dragged up.
Also, love that you posted the emails as they were originally written. Nothing funnier than an insult with spelling and grammatical errors!
251. Darragh said:
Dude shingles SUCK! I feel your pain.
I think you should go right ahead and be as assheaded as they come. Monetize the shit out of it and treat yourself and family to a shingles free vacation somewhere spectacular.
252. Anonymous said:
AWESOME!!! I love all the misspellings, too. I will check the page every day just to give you more money and piss them the hell off. :)
253. Adam said:
You guys are fucking geniuses. Period.
254. Sarah said:
Heathers, you are brilliant. I salute you both.
255. Restless Mama said:
Aaaaaaaaaaaand....you're brilliant.
I shall now check out Monetizing the Hate.
Oh and did I already mention that you're effing brilliant? Well you and your asshead are.
P.S. Sorry about your SHINGLES! Ick and uncomfortable. God speed woman. God speed.
256. Jen said:
What the what. Who ARE these sad people that say such terrible things? Has no one heard of the ol' "if you don't have anything nice to say..."?
Hey crazies, take a freaking chill pill. And instead of ragging on a blog that YOU CHOSE TO GO TO, do something else with your energy.
Sheesh.
257. Melanie said:
TEGADERM, woman! TEGADERM!
In case your doctor hasn't told you this, step one. Cover the shingles with antiviral cream. It doesn't go into your bloodstream. And if you've got the rash already the oral stuff won't do shit for you. The cream will at least minimize the chance of infection (which is pretty low, unless you let Marlo lick the rash). Then cover the rash with Tegaderm bandages. They're a bitch to get on without them folding and sticking to themselves, but they cover the rash nicely. Change'em daily, you'll be exuding a disgusting grossness from the rash.
I speak from experience. When my son was three months old and I was in the horrid depths of depression I felt funny-odd little bumps on my neck and shoulder. Just couldn't stop 'feeling' at them. Then I noticed the pattern and scooted to the doctor - I knew it was Shingles.
I feel for you. Shingles sucks.
258. Kris said:
I think you are hysterically funny and tell it like it is! Keep writing and ignore the bullshit!
259. Laz said:
Aw, man. You're gonna go roll around in all that hate money and get your shingle germs all over it and then then you're gonna go spend the hate/shingle money and then it'll be in circulation. And then your shingle germs will be in circulation too! You're gonna give the whole nation shingles and/or chicken pox. It'll be a major pandemic and you'll be the Typoid Mary of Varicella. You'll be Varicella Dooce.
Also, just popped over to check out the hate page. I love that there are ads for anxiety and depression meds, as well as meds for constipation. Nice touch.
260. cookingmel said:
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!
261. marianne said:
so for a second i thought those hater comments were funnyish, but then i started to feel sick. that's a lot of mean people with too much time on their hands. i hope you make a shitload of money off their unwarranted angst.
262. Shannon said:
No, I'm not anonymous, Mr. autocomplete!
Yeah, um, not sure what you did Miss Heather, but maybe the Avon World Sales leader called in some karmic favors for you being such a horrible Mormon that you got SHINGLES! Or maybe you were just yelling pringles to the universe ('cause we all know those things are right tasty..except for the olestra ones, of course) and karma misheard you? I think you deserve to never hit a red light again after this. Having SHINGLES! should certainly store up enough good karma to get out of that red light bullshit, am I right?
You should tweet frampton (or maybe Jon should since they're BFF's now) and ask him if he has any SHINGLES! advice and be all, oh and by the way, I totally have a HATE page on my website! Check it out and feel free to send me any hate mail you surely would like to now that we have met. Or you know, just say hi or something.
263. Anonymous said:
Long time reader, first time poster. . . good gawd, the hate mail! Unbelievable crap! If the text was smaller, you could pack more hate into every page. But I assume it's better for the ads, which should absolutely be there so that something good comes from this!! Wow, kudos to you. Hang tough.
264. Liz said:
Genius!
265. Meg said:
Love this! Think of how many more "$120 throw pillows" you can buy now!
266. Caitlin said:
I hope my few clicks on the monetize site will bring you some well deserved cash for having to deal with all the negative comments.
Also, love love love that it's powered by douchebags. Ha!
Good luck with the SHINGLES! hope they don't hurt too much.
267. boredmando said:
Gah! So awesome! The hate page, not the SHINGLES!
268. jgamma said:
You have a beautiful chin. And this is not your mother, FYI.
Also, what nutjob commented on Leta's FDOS outfit - for Rob's sake, she dresses like half the 3-9 year olds in the country. COLORFUL!
269. deb said:
Shingles suck big time. Hope you're feeling better soon. As for the monetize the hate, excellent idea.
270. christie said:
Awesome. Sadly when I think douchebags can't suprise me anymore they show up here. Who are these people? Are their lives so sad that your masthead or marriage or kids can drive them to personally insult you? Bizarre.
Hang in there.
271. Jen said:
"Powered by douchebags" -- Awesome! You have captured the crazy;)
272. Suzanne Armstrong said:
1. Holy Crap... I've had shingles... No Fun at ALL!!!! Sorry you have to go through that.
2. A site for your hate mail... Fabulous! (I went over there, I cannot fathom ever writing anything like that! At least you get the last laugh over the haters!)
Keep on keepin' on, Girl!
273. Kate said:
Reading the Haters' comments just makes me want to tell you how awesome you and your family are! I never will understand the hate and how those people think they are justified in making such comments. I hope the shingles don't give you grief too much longer.
274. Jenn said:
In the words of Michael Scott- this is totally a win-win-win situation:
Your abnormally freakish readers get publicly shamed on a regular basis, your well-adjusted readers can make fun of them, and you make $$$ in the process
Go Dooce!
275. Professional Critic said:
That is SUCH a good idea!
Shingles, on the other hand, suck real bad.
276. Kelli said:
I LOVE IT! I absolutely, positively love it. The only drawback is that it reminds me what stupidity and ignorance exists in the world. But oh, man, I am so excited. Not only that you are displaying it, but that you'll get $ from it! That totally rocks. PAYBACK IS HELL, BITCHES.
277. Erica said:
Mental Illness much??
Creepy cowardly person...why don't they look at something else then?
278. Anonymous said:
Chin up, asshead!
279. El said:
I had to comment because my captcha words were "Jail mayors."
It's a lot more fun when the hate comes from someone you know. I'm battling my insurance company because they don't want to pay for the results of an ACCIDENT and, in the interim, I modestly asked people to donate in the event this becomes an expensive fight and donate the money to charity if it does not. One of my "friends" was OUTRAGED that I would ask for money. How about you be OUTRAGED that the insurance company even gave my doctor conflicting information to the point where HE'S writing them a letter to say WTF?
It was fun to call someone a troll to her face.
280. Na said:
Brilliant! Monetizing the Hate, that is. Not so much SHINGLES! o' course. Hope that unpleasantness goes away quickly.
281. Anonymous said:
Dear Dooce,
As an avid read of your blog for years, I have always loved the funny little hatemail vingettes. Lately, however, I thought you doth protest too much about the hate mail -- given that all businesses are hated by some and blurbdoocery is a business, after all. Then I read two pages of Monetizing the Hate. With out the narration of your clever wit, this onslaught of negativity was overwhelming. And I'm not even full of new mama hormones. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. I'm glad you are manging money off of it. Good job.
282. Fattin' Around said:
I personally think you're a saint for not walking around just randomly punching faces after getting those emails... because that's the feeling I get -- possibly b/c I'm prego and Everything gives me that reaction... In the end, I get a visual of the people who write these emails and understand their misguided hate... they look a whole lot like my mother-in-law, not a good look or a fun way to go through life.
Keep up the good work!
283. Julie said:
So sorry to hear about your SHINGLES! Heard they are awful - totally wish you a speedy recovery. AND I totally agree with #253 Adam. I wish I had friends like you:) I really can't believe that so many people are really so hateful. I don't understand why, if they don't care for your site, they keep reading? They are ASSHEADS! LOL
284. elaina said:
You are fucking brilliant. I love it. The monetizing the hate that is, not the SHINGLES. The SHINGLES can suck it.
285. skadoosh said:
OHMYGODUFUCKINGROCK. i would be a billionaire if i ever had the chance to monetize my hate. you have no idea how much your blog has delivered me from insanity induced by asshole bosses. hope that SHINGLES! clears up soon.
286. Kara said:
SHINGLES! suck. Big time.
The hate page is inspired and it cracked me up that the first ad I saw was for constipation meds.
Roll in that money, baby. Wallow in it. You deserve it.
287. Caitlyn Nicholas said:
Good on you! I hope it makes you a bucketload of cash. :)
Cait
288. Katka said:
Wow. How about a Nobel prize in economics for that woman? That will probably be the only website full of ads that I will visit specifically because it is full of ads.
289. Rachel said:
Jeez, that's a lot of hate. After reading three pages of huge and well spaced hate mail I was depressed. Of course, I'll bookmark the page and visit everyday, but more to support Leta's college fund than listen to the negativity. May I say, I have read this blog for...jeez, I think it's been five years now...before you had Leta anyway, and it still remains one of my favorites. It is reliably funny and touching, and I often read it aloud to my husband (though I usually have to read parts of each entry two or three times because I am laughing too hard for him to understand me).
Oh, and I think your chin, your mole, your kids, your home, your dogs, and your husband are beautiful. Just a little positivity to balance out all that negativity.
290. Undomestic Diva said:
Fucking. Brilliant.
291. Fran said:
I know this has been said many times by hundreds of people but GOD I love you!!! Great idea Heather(s) - out those sons-a-bitches. Oh and THEY are probably the cause of those SHINGLES you have.
292. Savannah said:
Love your blog. LOVE IT. Keep up the great work - you make me LAUGH. OUT. LOUD.
293. Birdie said:
Just want to pledge my support!! I can't believe people actually spend time writting you hateful things? WTH? Doesn't that immediately say something about their character that is extremely flawed? I found your site about 6 months ago after I picked up your book, "It sucked and then I cried." (Which I absolutely loved BTW, I was reading it on a plane chuckling outloud and embarrasing myself!!) Keep writing, PLEASE! Your humor is just my style and I love your site :)
294. JW said:
Heather-
Not sure how many dudes are hating on you, I expect alot of bitchy women. I think you are fucking brilliant......and hot.
295. Jen C. said:
This is AWESOME. I love that you did this. I cannot wait to read these and laugh so so hard.
Hope the shingles clear up soon!
296. Avoiceofmyown said:
SHINGLES!
297. Marie said:
Heather, you, your husband, your two adorable kids and those two cool dogs all ROCK! I'm glad you can laugh at all the haters in such a cool way!
Hope you get over the shingles soon, they totally don't rock :(
298. lynda said:
oh my gosh. i clicked the link to monetizing the hate and the first ad says "Are you single?" and i thought it said "Are you shingle?" what have you done to me!
299. Jen said:
Ah, the haters... Funny how they have a choice to UNFOLLOW and just shut up about it. But instead they send hate mail. Which you in turn post for us to read. And oh, the joy it brings to our hearts. I agree with she who said a few comments up, "Humor is the way to fight evil."
I had SHINGLES! once. It was the most horrible thing ever. EVER!
300. Scott said:
I like this whole monetizing the hate thing. Also, Australian Shepherds should only live on farms.