• Julie

    All your underwears are crotchless? Is that where your head went? I feel dumb for not understanding the visual. Maybe it’s the whining baby playing in the background that is confusing me?

    Honestly, that whining is pretty tame to the sounds that I’ve endured. The one that always made it hard for me to breathe was the “UUUUHHHNNNNNFFFF” over and over.

    Congrats on the weight. I think?

  • http://whoa-mumma.blogspot.com alex

    Curious, do you read all your comments? Cos some days there are hundreds. Who has the time?

    I’ve been following you since May when I was pregnant with my 4th baby and couldn’t move my fat ass anywhere so I wasted all my time on the computer!

    Baby was born in August and I still have 10kgs to go! Ugh, mission. I’d give anything for a pancake flat ass cos right now I am J-Lo. And not in a sexy Latino way, just a “Geez, that lady has a fat ass” way.

  • Anonymous

    I have no idea what a waffle fry is, but DAMN I want one!! Congrats on the weight loss. Sorry it came about in such a traumatic way. And, seriously? I won’t tell if you muzzle Marlo. Just saying-with Coco around I’m sure you have something lying around the house. Sure, earplugs would be nicer, but not nearly as satisfying :)

  • Cindy

    Ten hours a day of a four YEAR old whining beats out 10 hours a day of a FOUR month old whining any day. Just sayin’

  • http://urbankoda.com Urban Koda

    Great! Now I want a donut and waffle fries…

  • Tinkersdamn

    I gained something like 45lbs with my firstborn (yeah. I know. I KNOW), who rode so low I thought his head must be scraping the ground. Not only was he low, he thoughtfully didn’t smush any of my insides- no, my polite from birth boy simply stretched the living shit out of my stomach. So I thought I was safe with my second child, that anything that was going to stretch already had. Nope- my “look at me! look at me NOW!” daughter decided to ride practically in my nose, so the upper half of my stomach is all stretched as well. From the armpits to the pubic bone I look like fricking crepe paper. And YES, I used buckets of cocoa butter.
    It’s a good thing I love them.

  • MamaBear1001

    when my newborn wouldn’t stop whining and crying i ate oreos. the first two weeks while i waited for her to learn to nurse and be healthy, i lost 35 pounds (only gained 20). after that, listening to her whine and eating oreos, i found the pounds and then some.

    it’s amazing new mothers can function at all. if you need oreos, eat them. your butt will take care of itself later.

  • Shannon

    Congrats on the pre-baby weight! I will kid you not, today i yelled loudly I WANT SOME DAMNED WAFFLE FRIES! My coworkers only kind of looked at me strange. The goat sound really makes me want to maim/kill/destroy anyone who wishes to get between me and some delicious waffle fries for dinner. WHAT? Potatoes are vegetables. I’M EATING HEALTHY, MOM.

  • http://gorigirl.com Gori Girl

    Marlo whining sounds exactly like my dog, Kajol, whining when she’s bored and/or upset that it’s raining outside. Except that I can sic the other dog on Kajol to distract her from the agony of falling water with a spot of wrestling, and I imagine that that is verboten with small infants.

  • becky

    I’m about a month in with my first, and totally understand the dance of squats and bends to stretch out the pre-preggo jeans to make them fit again. i’m wearing them, even if it is slightly uncomfortable.

  • http://csquaredplus3.typepad.com Chris

    Yay, you! Seems my pregnancy weight always disappeared around the four month mark for one reason or another. [I'm sorry for your loss and stress. Sincerely.]

    Yay, you!

  • http://drewcilla.blogspot.com/ Drew

    Congratulations to both you and your tiny ass!

    Seriously, Heather: Am I the only biological male (other than Jon) who reads your blog?! I mean, I RARELY get to dooce.com in time to get the opportunity to read or comment on your adventures, and now I see that AS OF THIS POSTING, I AM THE ONLY GUY!!!

    Where are the rest of us? Is it because I’m also MoNoMo (Mormon, No Longer), AND a *gasp* HOMOSEXUAL?


    Even though I have no offspring (“The Gays – God’s Version of Crowd Control”) and I’m a tall, hairy man (although sometimes I’m just a big girl), I somehow relate to you on many, many levels.

    Love you!


  • Jessie

    I played Marlo whining and my dog stood by the computer trying to figure out what that sound was and whining right along with her. :)

    Congrats on the weight loss!!

  • Martha

    Ok, Seriously? That audio clip really sounds that bad to you. More hyperbole? It could be soooooooo much worse. Wasn’t it with Leta?
    My kids must have been absolute demon spawn because that is how they sounded on a good day. My son sounded like that until he was 4 (autism).
    So fill that cup to half full & go buy some ear plugs at Walgreens.
    As for the tuckus spreadikus….that’s what happens with #2. The lb’s go away but everything just sort of shifts. Permanently. Cup half empty now.

  • Anna

    Um, ditto. Every single word. I hate the look I get from friends if I casually mention that I’m back to my pre-pregnancy weight. The “Oh that’s a shame. She’s delusional.” Weigh me, bitch! I am too back to my pre-pregnancy weight! It’s just that my forearms and calves are smaller and my gut is bigger.

  • Mella

    Listening to the CatTrollGoat noise made my three month old burst into tears. *nods* I feel your pain, Lady.

  • stephanie

    OMG!!! That was too funny…I can so relate to many parts of your story…but mostly not having a butt….DH was happy for a little weight gain after our 2 boys were born….now I have a butt before not so much…

  • Cindy

    I had to take my wedding dress to the D.I. (Good Will.) Even though I weighed less after losing the weight from #3 than I did before I was pregnant with #1, my ribcage had permanently widened and it was too tight to zip up. Too discouraging to keep around anymore. I decided it was better for my psyche to just get rid of it and admire it in it’s preserved form in my wedding pictures.

  • Cate

    I’m jealous. My youngest is 17 and I’m still not at my pre-pregnancy weight.
    Thanks for the audio. Best birth control in the world! I’ll be forcing my kids to listen to it :)

  • Meredith

    As the mom of a fellow 4-month-old, I listened to the audio clip and I swear I was listening to my own child. I COULD NOT TELL A DIFFERENCE IN THE WHINING. They must learn this stuff from the same manual in utero.

    All that to say, I certainly empathize with your hearing. I’m right there with ya.

  • http://www.baby-mamas-drama.blogspot.com BM

    You give me hope. My body currently looks like a war zone, but even wars can end with peace treaties. Here’s hoping for peace…

  • Kim

    Totally relate… tried my fat jeans on and I wanted to cry so still wearing maternity clothes… I have all these people telling me they were back in their old clothes within 2 weeks, 4 weeks or 6 weeks… sigh… and really everything shifts and doesn’t go back the way it was… ack!!! Not something I want to hear! I am still aspiring to be back in my old clothes soon!!! I can dream can’t I!?

    Anyway, your awesome btw… you make me laugh when my 4 week old makes me want to cry at times, b/c god forbid I put her down, or she goes more then 20 minutes between feedings at times… sigh…

  • http://scrappinjenny.blogspot.com Jennifer M.

    My daughter just turned 14 and I’ve just reached the weight I was the day AFTER she was born.

  • http://stellasdream.blogspot.com Elaine

    KLove it! I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight at 6 weeks but it doesn’t always seem like I got that far! Yay for toga panties!

  • Lemon

    Funny you should write about this today…becuase just this afternoon I was lying in bed talking to my husband about how my underwear was huge. I was tugging at it to show him and I seriously could have fit an olsen twin in the amount of fabric I pulled off. I’m 5mo pp and back to my pre-preg weight. The aforementioned underwear was bought somewhere between normal pregnancy weight and ginourmous you didn’t need to eat that last box of oreos just becuase your huge and won’t go into labor weight.

    I have new underwear on my christmas list.

  • Heidi

    I have a son who is nine days younger than Marlo! He does whine a little, but more screams like Leta did–I just finished reading your book, It Sucked and Then I cried!
    I too am pretty much back to my prebaby weight, but none of my clothes fit–I now have hips!
    Love your writing, you make me laugh!

  • Bether

    I…oh, my. The recording of Marlo whining made my dog make the “Baroo?” face REPEATEDLY the entire time it was playing, switching from one side to the other, and then look under the laptop for the baby making the noise. Today has been crappy, and that made me laugh. I am sorry that sound makes you crazy, but it (combined with my silly dog) made my day.

  • Melany

    YES! i totally empathize with you on this post. after i had my baby the only section that was still messed up was my middle (of course, since that’s where the watermelon-sized baby grows…). i won’t even let my husband look at my stomach because it looks like a droopy tire with tiger claw marks. ugh. but the rest of me is skinny! yay for pre-prego weight!

  • happyK

    6 weeks after my firstborn twins, i could get back into my pre-pregnancy jeans. Wow, breastfeeding is great (at keeping the weight off), I thought, as I tucked into another plate of hedgehog slice (for those of you that don’t know, it involves crushed up butter biscuits encased in chocolate mixed with more butter). Yep, well after putting back all the reserves that labour took out, that was the last time my backside saw the inside of those particular jeans, what with the hedgehog slice and all the crap that i ate trying to find the energy to keep up with said children after sleep deprived nights. Now i’m pregnant again and can only imagine what sort of shape i’ll be in after this one, but I’m sure it’s going to be nothing like before…

  • Melanie

    Looking at pictures of Marlo makes me ache for another baby, but listening to that clip snapped me right back into reality! Poor baby girl lol! Sounds like she’s trying to take a big poop! Congrats on getting back to your pre-pregnancy weight, and THANK YOU for being so real, honest, and always putting a smile on my face.

  • http://fourangelsmomma.blogspot.com Debra

    I haven’t read through your past posts to find out, but Marlo’s whining sounds like she is either colicky or teething. As the mother of four daughters, I recognize those little protests as the sounds of discomfort. I’m sure that you have tried all of the tricks, but sometimes holding the baby across your knees on her belly helps to relieve the gas bubbles. There are some other things you can try if you think the baby might be colicky.

    Best of luck! My oldest daughter who is now 22, was a bit colicky. She seemed to get past it around five months, but she still gets hiccups all the time!

  • Jenny

    God, it must be a sign that my last resisting cells have succumbed to a virulent strain of babymadness, because I found that ridiculous noise, well…endearing? Cute? Another reason to drag my husband to bed? It is just not right.

    I should have just owned up to it that time when I got excited that a four-year-old was sitting behind me on a plane, but I can now admit that thirty-one is a sick, sick year.

  • marianne

    I am still carrying around the baby weight from my 11 year old so imagine how big my undies are! Never mind…don’t imagine it.

  • http://www.the8thgirl.com 8thgirl

    I used to have a butt but it disappeared after sitting on it 8 hours a day for the past 13 years.

    Call me crazy, but Marlo’s whining makes me want to have a baby really, really bad. I know, it would probably get old after about 2 minutes. Maybe the audio should have been longer.

  • http://twitter.com/BrookeRane Brooke Rane

    i just have to tell you that i played that 60-second clip of Marlo whining and holy crap, my dog was sitting curled up at my feet and when that whining hit the 30-second mark, he was all up and in my face, smelling the computer and his ears were up and he’s all WHAT IS THAT NOISE, WOMAN?!! I almost died laughing. he totally thought this mac was a baby.

  • marianne

    what is a waffle fry and where can i get one?

  • Meredith

    Will you please post a pic of your (clothed, please) butt? :)

  • http://wanderingfoodie.com Hagan

    There is a study somewhere that says married people without kids are happier . . . I guess with all the oxytocin and estrogen around this might not be the right forum for that kind of info, huh?

  • Mindy

    Bothered by a 4-month old whining? Let me give you some perspective so that you can better appreciate the loveliness that is coming from your daughter.


  • JW

    Am I the only one who didn’t think the noise was that bad? It just sounded like, you know, a baby. I was expecting more of a poltergeist moan or something.

  • http://victorytrue.blogspot.com/ Chriss

    I am running the add on but it isn’t playing…is this God protecting me?

    Pre baby weight- what is this concept? Never heard of it. I was under the impression my fat was permanent.

  • http://kelly-vision.blogspot.com/ Kelly-Vision

    Congrats on the pre-pregnancy weight.

    And for the record, my dog, who is prone to seizures by the way, went absolutely ape shit when I played the audio clip of Marlo. You did give me fair warning.

  • http://www.bebeloo.blogspot.com damaris

    sounds better than doing kegels all day long. I still have 15 lbs to go but I don’t see it going anywhere anytime soon.
    dang it!

  • gina

    Still tell people that I haven’t lost the baby weight from my 12 year old twins. Never tell people that they are really adopted.

  • Clzimm

    Pretty sure a 4 month old doesn’t exactly “whine” yet…those noises are her only way of communicating with you that she needs something. It did not make me think of birth control, it made me want to pick her up.

  • christen

    congrats on the pre-prego weight, i’m insanely jealous as today was the day i weighed in at the MOST i’ve ever weighed pregnant… and i’m only 28 weeks. grr

  • http://www.CookingSchoolConfidential.com CookingSchoolConfidential.com

    I’ve heard that whine before, I know I have, I know. Wait, it’s my fellow cooking school students when their food has not turned out well.

    (But, take heart. By the time your angels are that age they will be living in a dorm and whining to someone else so all is not lost.)


  • http://bethalea.blogspot.com just beth

    the two st. bernards and our new kitty all tried to rescue Marlo. or maybe they were trying to rescue YOU, I don’t know.



  • Cynthia

    My daughter helped me clean out my drawers after I lost the third pregnancy weight. She pulled out a pair of HUGE panties and asked me “Mom are you sure these are not grandma’s?”

    She actually asked me if I was wearing “granny panties”. Dont tell my mom though, her ass is nowhere near as big as those maternity briefs – yuck.

  • http://memoirs-of-a-fat-chick.blogspot.com/ Grace Matthews

    Congrats on the weight loss. I understand being suicidal…that whining is unbelievable.