• Trish

    Black licorice is from hell. So are spiders.

    Leta is all kinds of awesomeness, though.

  • http://www.winecat.typepad.com Cathy Carey

    Brilliant child. I adore black licorice but only certain kinds. It must be hard and not salty. Heine company used to make it when I was a kid but they stopped because it wasn’t popular enough, curse you black licorice haters!!!!

  • http://www.ImagesByLori.com lori

    I cannot tell you how happy I am to have found your blog! I just laughed out loud reading the part about the hobo . LOLLLLLLLL

  • JessiCat

    I LOVE THIS POST. All caps love! :) My favorite part was the hobo vagina. You reek of awesomeness. I agree on the black licorice. I also agree on the comment above that says stoners would totally have a field day dissecting that word. I think I will try it tonight. The funniest “scare the husband” moment I ever had was when my husband (now he is an ex-husband….maybe because I’m a teensy bit…evil?!?) was asleep in our bed, i was about 7 months pregnant. He fell asleep holding a glass of milk. Our ceiling fan was on, because you know….I was ALWAYS HOT when pregnant….ugh. Yay Georgia heat! I digress… The fan was on, my hair stirred around a little bit and tickled his nose. I shit you not…HE SHOT UP OUT OF THE BED, THREW MILK ALL OVER HIMSELF (and me…and the cat) and SCREAMED “FUCKING SQUIRREL!!!”. I have never laughed so hard in my life. I think I peed. PRICELESS. Every time I see a FUCKING SQUIRREL I call him and laugh at him.

  • Kristen from MA

    Black Death = the best description of black licorice I’ve ever read. That stuff is nasty.

  • http://www.8junebugs.com jenG


    Here comes Randall, he’s … a berzerker.

    /singing random Clerks jingle

  • sarah

    Red licorice is also gross. But, points to Leta for giving you the business.

    And. Chuck’s high degree of coolness is apparent even in photographs. Other animals look cute, fuzzy, angry, etc. Chuck = cool.

  • http://d2dmad.blogspot.com/ Dani

    I just got some misserable news. Thanks for making me laugh.

  • eejm

    Black licorice is something you either adore or passionately hate – there is no in-between. Same with coconut. Like #64, I’m convinced that loving black licorice (and coconut) is genetic and recessive. I adore it, as do my mom and son.

    Eggs cooked in any fashion are the most vile, disgusting, putrid-smelling and tasting substance on the planet.

  • http://2moms2girlsandtheboy.blogspot.com/ Sonya

    That is awesome!

    I agree, black licorice is beyond gross.

  • http://insanityismyvalium.blogspot.com/ Jackie

    How funny! I just love it when our kids come back at us with our own reasonings. Little brats!

  • Annie

    Okay, I am in love with Leta! She cracks me up! I hope someday I have a daughter that has even half the personality of Leta!

  • http://everybodylovesbaby.blogspot.com everybodylovesbaby

    my husband’s afraid of belly buttons and our kid has an umbilical hernia

  • http://www.elvahaleyjustincase.blogspot.com Lauren

    This line:

    It’s like, we’re headed for a bath and he picks up a ratty tissue that a hobo has used to wipe her vagina, hands it to Leta, and says ENJOY!

    made my good day even better. Thank you for your creative description genius. Leta is brilliant.

  • http://www.thebutterflymind.com Tammy at The Butterfly Mind

    I hate black licorice,too!

    Butterfly was mystery shopping at the local hospital, AGAIN. Sigh.

  • lizandboys

    Take some fishing line/clear string and tie it to Randall. Attach him to the inside of a cabinet (one that Leta won’t be opening) – when Jon opens the cabinet it’ll fall out, dangling on the string – gets ME to scream and flail everytime – maybe it’ll work for you :)

  • http://www.chadkelley.blogspot.com Kelley

    Ewww black licorice. Why was that even invented and sold as a candy? It’s absolutely disgusting and makes you look like you have rotten teeth. Maybe that’s why kids like it?

  • http://pandorahsbox.blogspot.com Kato

    Haha!! I love it!!

    You are lucky to have her. Kids that keep you on your toes are the kind to keep!

  • http://www.uthostage.com uthostage

    I was rolling from the moment I read “ghost on the toilet”! Cuz that would totally be something I would do to my daughter. And not when I’m half asleep. Maybe preferably when she’s half asleep, though. Cuz then I might be able to actually catch her off guard. I’ve been blessed with a tomboy who is fascinated with things like watching a praying mantis devour another bug. I gotta take every advantage I can get.

  • Leslie

    Funniest post in a while. Well, since a week or so ago. You are priceless and smart! The haters are going to pay for Leta’s entire law school education with comments on this post alone! Well Done.

  • http://thescovillefamily.blogspot.com Josey

    It’s funny to me that black licorice is one of those absolutely POLARIZING foods – I mean, does anyone really think “it’s okay”??? I HATE HATE HATE it… and everyone I know wants to vomit from the smell of it or be left on a deserted island with it.

    I commend Leta for her way to break it down into simple terms. Still, I wouldn’t have tried it. :)

  • Jen

    Oh, lord, please don’t take this as something negative, because I swear it’s not (even though starting out with those words probably sounds really dubious). You’re a treat to read. It’s great when you post something for your readers to enjoy. I even like reading the long captions you write for all your photos (and the photos are great on their own, too). I think you’re generous and creative and funny. But–and, again, I am now frightened to even write this–that Monetizing the Hate page is just adding gasoline to a raging fire. Those people are just so mean, and now that they know you’ll post their rude comments on M the H, they have taken to creating all new websites dedicated to being even more rude. It’s all so brutal. One of the most recent additions to M the H was by a woman who mentioned that her husband was in the Marines. That comment did not seem at all hateful or rude, just observational and terse (and probably driven by the emotion of being a single parent while her husband is at war). But if the woman who wrote that sees that you posted her comment on M the H, she is just going to feel absolutely shit on and she will take her indignation to one of those I-hate-Dooce sites and write post after post about how awful you are.

    You’re so not an awful person, Heather. You have very right to be angry, furious, and disgusted. It is just so bizarre to see this situation turning into a surreal internet war of women.

  • kat

    I so agree with you on the black licorice! My dad loves it but it’s so gross. At least we’ve never had to fight over it! However, weirdly enough, I do like fennel as a vegetable (fennel bulbs) and chomp on it raw like celery. It’s yummy and sweet when it’s and braised or roasted, and fennel seeds go well in sausage. But I hate Sambuca liqueur, fennel/anise-flavoured candies, and all other forms of the stuff.
    Great story :) and Leta is awesome!

  • http://www.hsdiva.com hsdiva

    Black licorice tastes like ass. ‘Nuf said.

  • http://www.absentmindedhousewife.com/ Becky..Absent Minded Housewife

    So, back when Arachnophobia was the awesomenest movie in town (the only movie showing at the theatre in town) and being a Utah County teen and ignorant to where to find any beer, my friends and I took a rubber spider on one of those extension scissor like contraptions to the theater with us.

    We quietly snuck about the seats and placed spidey on folks. I think we made one lady wet her pants. The theater owners wouldn’t let us back in after our third showing.

    Later we developed an interest in sex, and so we went to BYU campus and drew body outlines with Ivory soap all over the sidewalks in an effort to impart some Kama Sutra on the place.

    It’s not vandalism cuz soap washes off.

  • http://www.parsingnonsense.com Parsing Nonsense

    We put a fake spider in my bosses office (he HATES spiders) but instead of silly retribution we all almost got fired.

    When Rubber Spiders Backfire should be a new TLC show.

  • Lisa Marie

    I love that the hobo is female. Downtroddenness is an equal opportunity.

    laughing, yea verily

  • http://www.peace-inthe-storm.blogspot.com Elda

    My dog is named Licorice. Maybe I can take him over, you can lick him in front of Leta and you can show her how absolutely courageous you are by TASTING LICORICE… technically.

  • Melissa N.

    God damn it you are funny! Thanks for the giggle today, I needed it.

  • Zoid

    Tell Leta that black licorice is actually tarantula legs. That’ll keep her from chewing it for a good, oh, forever. The things my parents told me when I was a kid have stuck with me… I still don’t like to press the eject button in cars (my Mom told me that it ejects the front seats out of the top of the car).

  • http://www.becomingsarah.com Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com


    One more reason not to let my husband corrupt my child with black licorice.

    Like I needed another reason. Yuck.

  • Tina

    Yeah start saving for law school now. HAHAHAHA! Her logic is FLAWLESS. =)

  • bella

    I have been reading your blog for a long time, and I have to say that your kids are going to grow up so NORMAL and FUN because you and your husband see life in such a comical and fantastic way. Thank you for sharing it.

    Your pictures are also incredible, and beautiful. Feel free to post this on your hate site, since there are so many stupid people out there with rigid perspectives and absolutely NO sense of humour! :)


  • http://www.dubiousma.com dubiousMa

    Why do they still make black licorice?? It’s as bad as black jelly beans. Disgusting.They may as well make army green licorice.

  • http://dustanandbetsy.blogspot.com Betsy

    In regards to eating in the bathtub – that used to be one of my favorite things to do in the tub. Not really any ol’ food but candy or bubble gum. It’s a fun sensation.

    Ok, I’ll leave that at that.

    Also – not a fan of black, but I love red licorice.

    Leta is my favorite character in nutty Dooce world!

  • http://volume22.blogspot.com/ Scott

    I demand video of you eating black licorice!

  • RichardK

    You are the best.

    BTW, the pages of hate posts are hysterical. I know it’s easy for me to say when I’m not at the receiving end…but I figured that by now you’ve realized that there’s an infinite supply of imbeciles without lives who make up for this “minor” shortcoming by writing an equally infinite stream of idiocies.

  • http://moville.blogspot.com Mo

    courageous enough to approach the thought of hobo vaginas (and put them in all of our heads)… but still no black licorice…

    You’re like a parfait, Heather…you know, layers.

  • http://timesurge.blogspot.com Surge

    Number seven, I’m assuming that if you bit into a tarantula you will die.

    I love how somebody said that black licorice tastes like ass. Why did this post conjur up such perverted comments, if nobody else noticed?

    “Kids that keep you on your toes are the kind to keep!”
    And those that don’t?
    I say throw em out.

  • Rachel

    HAHAHAHAHA i don’t know where to start. vagina-smelling black licorice, a spider named randall, or your five-year-old using the word courageous. FABULOUS I LOVE IT. still laughing.

  • stella

    Okay, I love ya, Heather but I gotta say….black licorice rocks!! Love the Randall stories too. Hilarious.

  • http://www.imperfectwomen.com Jennie

    Black licorice is totally nasty. Yuck.

    Not to give anyone nightmares about weird toilet sounds, but a couple of weeks ago our toilet made a “weird” noise too. Turned out a sewer rat had made his way up the pipes and popped up in the toilet. Luckily, my niece walked into the bathroom, saw him, and screamed her head off, which sent him back whence he came. But still.

  • Heather

    Ahh… so funny! Black death… that was a good one.

  • http://www.yuletimereading.com Tracie Yule

    I completely and utterly sate sauerkraut. It smells awful, the texture is awful, it’s just awful. But we have this dumb rule in our house that you have to try everything on your plate before you are allowed to leave the table. Guess who had to eat sauerkraut? Awful.

    My daughter is petrified of worms. When it rains, there are worms all over our driveway. When she sees them she starts hopping around saying “uh, uh, uh” and raising her arms up in the air. It’s really funny and I’m kind of glad when it rains.

  • Alison

    And then you said “maybe you could be more courageous and try a peanut butter sandwich” then she looks at you, thinks about this and you say “See?”

  • Christina

    Ugh, black licorice is even worse than shredded coconut.

    I ♥ Leta, she’s the best.

  • http://scrappinjenny.blogspot.com Jennifer M.

    I LOATH black licorice. It’s of the Devil. I know it is.

  • Suze

    The kid’s got you dead to rights, Dooce. You’re going to have to man up (‘woman up’?) and show her you’re made of the same stuff SHE is!

  • http://heylady.net/ trish

    HAHAHAHAHA!!! Yeah. Why DON’T you be courageous, Heather?

    This post is why I read you. Fanfreakingtastic.

  • http://www.xanga.com/yourfavoritecynic Ray

    Your daughter is so smart! And speaking of spiders and ghosts: “What is Leta going to be for Halloween?” ^o^