• olivia

    or don’t ever try SWEDISH black licorice. Vile, nasty, lick the bottom of the tube coach floor, rancid grossness, putrid stuff. SALTY black licorice. You just can’t imagine. Especially when you’re expecting a chocolate. Barf.

  • http://www.motherproof.com/ MotherProof

    Leta is awesome. Your morning gaffs are awesome. Black licorice is less awesome. In fact, it’s completely lacking in awesome. It’s awesomeless.

  • kara

    I am so in love with black licorice that I have fennel flavored toothpaste and I drink Jager on the rocks at bars. But it is very distinct. I could see how people wouldn’t like it. I hate all things bubble gum flavored. EEEEEWWW. It tastes like a unicorn vomited in my mouth.

  • http://agablack.wordpress.com/ Agi

    I suffer from mild arachnophobia. I don’t panic when scout a spider climbing up its web. I simply leave the room. Me, a whole grown up person leaves the whole big room to the teeny tiny spider as I wish to have nothing to do with it.
    When it comes to roaches though I scream my lungs out as I dive after the nasty little sucker with a hammer, a gun and a half-a-ton boulder. It’s an ugly, bloody sight. Ugh!

  • GF

    I looooooooooove black licorice. Go Leta!

    Come on, Heather — get COURAGEOUS!!

    FYI — if you eat too much black licorice, it will turn your poop green.

    Don’t ask how I know.

  • Anonymous

    all six year olds should go directly to law school.

    also, have you seen this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1dxNsjYeIs

  • Martha

    First, black licorice is vile. Just nasty beyond belief. Secondly, my daughter pulls the same stuff. My husband and I always tell her that she doesn’t have to eat a new food if she doesn’t want to, but she at least has to lick it, just to take a taste to see if she likes it. This totally backfired on us when she insisted that dear old dad lick the asparagus (he hates asparagus) and she wanted me to lick a black olive (gag). Our kids may end up in law school together.

  • Jane

    My husband is afraid of spiders and my daughter and I love them. She has many fake spiders that she hides so he’ll find them, and she has found and brought in live tarantulas on occasion to scare him too. Funny, they don’t stay where you put them. She had a pet orb weaver named Chloe, who lived outside. She’d go catch bugs and toss them into her web. We both cried when she died. Also, all licorice is nasty.

  • http://bushbabe.blogspot.com Bush Babe (of Granite Glen)

    Oh dear lord… I got stuck at the tissue description. Gagging.

    I detest licorice too. But not as much as bananas. And yet I make my STUBBORN daughter banana smoothies EVERY day (because its the only fruit she will allow into her mouth). I touch bananas. And she has started offering me sips of her smoothie.

    So I hear your pain.

    Can we make that two law school places please?
    :-)
    BB

  • MBINNM

    Ah, yes, black licorice…. I remember when my daughter (who has an intense gag reflex) was 3 or 4 and we all went out for a nice Easter lunch. She had her pretty new Easter outfit on and looked just angelic. Well, the restaurant offered all the kiddies these cute little Eastern treat bags and for whatever reason (it had to have been a man’s idea) they contained small pieces of black licorice. I didn’t even know it was there until I looked over and saw my daughter vomiting black YUK all over the table. It was lovely!

  • http://danielle-everydaythoughts.blogspot.com/ Danielle

    HAHAHA! Love the random comment about a ghost on the toilet. For a long time my son really believed we had farting ghosts in our home.

  • Amy Bjorge

    I hate black licorice too. It’s sad that old people like it so much because they never had any good candy when they were growing up. Like the Hershey’s Symphony Bar with toffee chips.
    I dropped an F bomb this morning (in front of my kids) when I opened the garage door and saw the first snow of the season. It always happens before Halloween and yet I am surprised every year.
    Tell Leta not to worry. If 30 years in “Utard” have taught me anything, it’s that it will be “wintering” for the next 6 months- at least until April.
    (My daughter also thought it was fabulous, btw.)

  • kirsten

    You all are crazy.

    Black licorice is the best! Glad to know that Leta is growing up with a palate that surpasses the nonsense that says otherwise.

    Spiders, however, freak me the hell out.

    “Phasized succors”
    (my captcha, which just seemed so eloquent)

  • http://laughing-tree.com/photography/ K Lea

    Ok, I just thought of something totally sick and twisted that I would do if Leta was mine. Because, I too hate black licorice…

    I think Randall’s legs look a lot like black licorice. I wonder what would happen if someone maybe hinted that black licorice is really spider legs.

    Years and years of therapy.

  • Lisa

    I love both licorice (all licorice is black, the red stuff is either cherry or strawberry flavor, not licorice flavor), and horehound. So there! ;o)

    I am not afraid of spiders, but know people who are deathly afraid of them. I was the official spider killer for a woman I worked with who had a phobia. Once I was trying to get one out of a small box on her desk, a hairy wolf spider, when it ran up my arm. She almost had a fit. I brushed it off and stepped on it. Heroine of the day. ;o)

  • http://www.poofpuff.blogspot.com Chelsea Robinson

    Leta is a bad ass. Ha ha I’m guessing you hate Jagermeister! It is so good. And I had mixed emotions about you comparing black licorice to a hobo’s dirty vagina… I’ll never be able to take a shot without that running through my head or gagging. Thanks, thanks a lot. LOL.

  • http://hopelds.blogspot.com Hope

    “Ghost” to “toast” – I’m impressed.

  • pinkbrain

    @ # 82
    I was breastfeeding when I read your comment (yes this is how I pass the time while feeding baby) and I started laughing so hard that baby popped off and started wailing. Sorry baby!

    FUCKING SQUIRRELS!

    Totally worth it.

  • Anonymous

    dude, lawyers are black licorice.

  • http://www.hydrangeasarepretty.wordpress.com shelli

    black licorice is NASTY. As in NASTY.

    But Leta? SMART kid.

  • http://smoochdog.squarespace.com Michelle

    I just had to saw that the shot of chuck today was fantastic very VOGUE but did you notice his butt isn’t actually touching the ground? Just thought I’d point that out. That Chuck, he’s just too smart to sit on a cold wet ground with a fancy scarf on!

  • http://www.ramblingbrooke.com Brooke

    Haha…I love Leta’s thinking! However, I also HATE black licorice. It’s like the worst attempt at candy ever. It tastes nothing like normal, good candy. Ugh.

  • http://www.chaoticstability.blogspot.com Harna

    I’m just casually reading along and then all of a sudden a hobo’s vagina is mentioned and I fall off the couch – hahahahahaaaaa! Nice.

  • http://www.housetoyourhome.blogspot.com/ Laurie Jones

    Great freaking post today, laugh out loud hilarious! I too loved the girl hobo line!

  • jessica

    I love this! Thanks for making me laugh!!

  • amy j.

    oh my holy god. you guys are so dead. leta’s going to eat you alive for at least the next 13 years. and i can’t wait to read about every moment of it. i so love your family and think you are all so awesome.

  • Ann

    I laughed out loud at the hobo’s vagina part and I am with you on the black licorice. There is a reason the flavor is called anise…to close to anus if you ask me cause that’s what it tastes like. Just like any black candy…necco wafer, juje fruit, etc. Well done.

  • http://www.shticklesstwo.blogspot.com Mandy

    Yes indeed ‘Uggg’! thanks for the delightful smellvisual. It’s a good one though!

    Not even fifteen minutes ago I made the same offhand, half baked, not thinking comment about ghosts to my 5 year old son. I was trying to get him to go down to the creek with his dad and my mother in law (so I can get some peace for 10 seconds!). He made a ghost puppet today and I told him he should take it down to the creek to show all the ghosts down there. He was like ‘Well this is a pretend ghost’ And I say ‘Well there are REAL ghosts down at the creek’ First he shakes his head with a you’re-kidding-me smile then the questions start ‘How did they die?’ Did they drown?’ I say, ‘No, you’re right there’s no ghosts down there’ but the questions continue… ‘Who got them?’ ‘Will Michael Jackson be there?’ I ended up saying they are GOOD ghosts and anyway, Daddy and Grandma Sonia are with you…shiiiit.

    Anyway, it seemed to work and got him out. Hopefully he doesn’t actually see anything.

  • http://misspuddles.blogspot.com/ Melissa

    Ugh! I hate black licorice and my husband hates big black spiders!

  • kwallca

    This is the day when your child became smarter than you are. It happens to all of us. I clearly remember the day when we were on a road trip and my five-year-old daughter asked for another piece of licorice ( red, never black. Gross!) and I told her it was all gone. Then she said “show me the empty package.” I knew at that moment that it was all over. I was right.
    Black jelly beans are just as bad.

  • http://www.theboofblog.blogspot.com Laura

    Dooce,

    For the love! I haven’t been here long enough to have read the spider stories. I haven’t laughed that hard in a very long time. I did go to the silent laughter with tears streaming down my face! That was good stuff! I am now trying to think where I can find a Randall……so good….I am so down!

    Thanks for that…perked up my crappy day!

    Laura

    P.S. I agree with you on the licorice…might as well drink Nyquil for fun…

  • kwallca

    P.S. Here’s a little tip: When trying to convince a child to taste something new, never, NEVER say “You’ll only taste it for five seconds and then it will be gone. What’s the big deal? You never know, you might like it” in front of your husband. It will come back to haunt you.

  • Caroline

    Oh Hell. to. the. No. She. Didn’t.

  • Anonymous

    Are you a man? Because you sound like a man and look like a man. If you are, it’s okay. I mean, it’s important for the kids to know that they have two daddies who love them very much. Except for that one daddy who throws spiders at their heads and makes up lies about paranormal spirits haunting the bathroom.

  • http://www.stuff-i-love.com Jenny

    “It’s like, we’re headed for a bath and he picks up a ratty tissue that a hobo has used to wipe her vagina, hands it to Leta, and says ENJOY!”

    Oh my God, I’m going to die from the grossness that sentence now.

    This post made me laugh very hard.

  • http://zmama.com/wp Vicki

    I love black licorice. Just sayin’

    I probably shouldn’t tell you about the time I found a tarantula on my bed, and thought it was a fake one. Until I reached over to pick it up and noticed it looked way too real. My hand was mere centimeters away from it. I was going to throw it at my kids to scare them! Scared myself instead.

    My husband dispatched it hastily. Took me weeks to sleep comfortably there again.

  • Melissa

    okay…I love Leta…she cracks me up…God pretty much knows what He is doing and has obviously sent you your match…maybe your superior…LOL

    when i was a little girl…the Easter bunny that came to my house, used to leave a bag of black jelly beans in my basket…because i was the only one that likes them…let me rephrase LOVE them…so I’m with Leta…be courageous Heather!

  • http://brilliantsulk.com/ A

    I happen to be a hobo and would like you know that my vagina is covered in spiders and tastes like licorice.

    I’m a tad offended.

  • http://www.GenesisRxHealth.com Kristina C.

    EEEEEEK! I HATE spiders, LOVE black licorice!

    It’s great that Leta is overcoming her fears! How about you?! (Well, hating black licorice is not exactly a fear, is it?)

  • Teri

    It being close to Halloween and all, I whimsically bought a bag of plastic cockroaches at the grocery store and have been scaring my very skittish husband since. I put them in so many places, knowing he’d be finding them for day, weeks, YEARS. We’ve been house hunting and my husband went to the bank to get pre-approved for a loan. While talking to a loan officer, he took off his jacket and slung it over his arm, and two, yes two, cockroaches came sliding to the floor.

    Also, black licorice is gagony.

  • Laurie Lou

    Am I the only person in the world who loves black licorice? Good, all the more for me! The best stuff comes from Finland and Holland, by the way. Otherwise I have to say that this is one of the most hysterical and delightful posts I’ve read for a while. Thanks, Dooce, for giving me a great ending to the day!

  • Katherine

    That is one SCARILY smart kid.

    I hate black licorice too. I mean, honestly, who thought THAT as a good idea??

  • http://bigmamacass.wordpress.com BigMamaCass

    HAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA TOO FUNNY!!!

  • http://lifeonthectrain.blogspot.com/ Clare

    Every single night I have this ritual with my ten-year old. (Note that I said ten. Not five or six.) I have to do a “bed check” which involves looking on either side of her twin beds, and looking underneath them, and telling her everything is fine. This is after the light is off. And speaking of phobias, I am ever-so-slightly-afraid, every time I look, I might see a monster under the bed. For the record, I’m 37. And no, she does not know I get a little bit of tingly fear when I crouch down and look. But we have tarantulas (real live ones) here (central Texas) and I’ve seen them on my back porch a time or two. If Randall or one of his living brethren ever made it for bed check I’m pretty sure the world would stop spinning.

  • http://onepot.wordpress.com Onepot

    No spider is as scary as black licorice.

  • http://mlbornstein.blogspot.com Meredith

    What a little smartass. I love her.

    And I am in total agreement, black licorice is vile.

  • Sue

    You guys kill me…Thank you for the GREAT laugh tonight. Life, even filled with Randalls and black licorice, is so worth living.

  • Tay

    This just may be my favorite entry of 2009. Your kid is growing so damn fast.

  • Danielle

    Make a spider out of black licorice for a double whammy.

  • amandam

    “Toast on the toilet” – LOL! Good save! And Randall seems a somehow fitting name for a rubber tarantula. Good for your daughter for getting over her fear of the (faux) spider, too; seems like the best way to handle it, just dealing with it head-on, ’cause those suckers really can be scary when you’re a kid.