Heater, Mother of Lance

Things Eun-Seo Finds Interesting, Installment Two

“So I’ve been looking for a large backpack that’s big enough to fit all of my school stuffs, as well as my laptop and a two-liter jug of orange juice.”

Wait. What about the caffeinated beverages? Did you give up the gateway drug? First Diet Coke, logical next step is grand larceny. And then vaping. Vaping is last.

“At school, I see students carrying around these massive backpacks all made by Patagonia, and I’m pretty sure they carry around all of the paper they have accumulated from the years of middle school and high school combined.”

Wait. Are you walking around in my children’s future? Why are so many kids hoarding paper? Asks the adult woman who keeps every single “over 21” paper bracelet she has ever worn at a concert in Utah. Because I might need them one day.

“These kids pack their bags to the brim, and they still manage to slip in their coffee mugs and textbooks in them, so I’m definitely going to buy one, plus I really like the design. Although some of them look more like hiking packs than school bags.”

Welcome to Utah.

Patagonia Arbor Backpack 26L

Patagonia Arbor Pack 26L

Patagonia Arbor Backpack 26L With Paintbrush Red

Patagonia Yerba Backpack 24L (Epic Blue)

“I love Calvin and Hobbes. They’re clever, witty, funny, and in a way, just so…pure. They make me laugh and I love the artwork Bill Watterson uses to illustrate his comics. The watercolor illustrations, especially the ones focusing on holidays make me feel super nostalgic, like, ‘Wow, this was what Christmas was all about when I was little.'”

It’s no longer Christmas, did you hear? The liberals have hijacked it. We now call it “That ‘Abstinence Only’ Policy Really Worked Out For Mary, Didn’t It?? Day”

“I also love the sense of wonder Calvin holds for the world, when he’s not busy terrorizing grown-ups, or throwing water balloons at Suzie. I think, in a way, Calvin is an embodiment of ourselves, and the children we have in our lives. There are moments where Calvin is hammering nails into a coffee table, or bringing all the snow inside so he and his tiger can build a snowman in their bedroom, or just things adults watch their kids do and think, ‘What on earth possessed you to do that?’ Or, ‘What the crap were you thinking?’ Or, ‘What made you think, that that would be a good idea?'”

Oh, Eun Seo. There is a term for those kinds of thoughts adults have. It’s called “Every Single Moment of Parenthood” and those thoughts are filled with far more profanity than is safe for your ears. Also, Leta is reading this so I won’t say, “Shit.”

“And sometimes, I forget that in the eyes of a kid, the world is, or should be, their oyster. And the only responsibility they have to grown-ups is to pop open that oyster and get at whatever pearls of opportunity they can lay their sticky, clumsy, busy little hands on. They just do it because they want to, and it’s just a part of— pardon the cliché—growing up. On the flip side of things, there are times when Calvin eloquently voices our own questions, concerns, and sense of wonder regarding the world and its goings-on. Moments like when he’s contemplating the death of a bird, or a baby raccoon, or staring up at the stars, or expressing his thoughts on the monotonous patterns we sometimes unknowingly throw ourselves into—these are real eye openers for me. Please excuse this here essay, but if you or any of your readers haven’t read any Calvin and Hobbes yet, I highly recommend doing so.”

First, let me stop cutting onions. Look away. There is no water in my eyes. Shut up.

The Complete Calvin and Hobbes box set (paperback)

Hardcover

“Anyone who has a profound appreciation for the ridiculous needs to see this book. I first found a copy of this book at my violin teacher’s house, so I asked to borrow it for a week. I took it to my seventh grade science class, and looked through each stupid invention with my table-mate Charlie, and giggled like a pair of monkeys for the entire class period throughout the week. I don’t quite know how to put the contents of this book into words, but it’s just completely asinine.”

The Big Bento Box of Unuseless Japanese Inventions

Someone posted this to twitter last week and I watched it about 400 times in a row. you’re welcome.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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