• http://www.facebook.com/mahastew Stew Ellington

    Three words: cocktails.

  • luv and kiwi

    LOL…I’m so trying not to laugh, but the image of you cradling poop is too, too much. As a lover of all things related to poop I commend you and applaud you. Seriously, when will the television producers come knocking…you have everything necessary for a successful sitcom. Let me know if you need some good anti-bacterial soap suggestions!

  • Sarah Gammell Matthews

    When I first started reading your blog I thought “what? how can there be so many poop stories?” Then came my own two girls, each with their own set of fun poop issues. Now I have a poop story to match each of your poop stories and stand in solidarity with anyone who will catch poop in their hands without even blinking! My life…

  • Ann

    When I saw the title, I thought, “Coco pee? wine? plumbing fiasco?” Never did I imagine it would be Marlo poop. In Your Hands. My kids are asking me why I’m laughing so hard. Thanks for sharing – and hang the hell in there.

  • lyzl

    hahahaha…oh crap. That is awful. And hilarious.

  • Hilary

    Fabulous. It can only get better from here, no? And yes, in your scientific survey I would check the 100% box!

  • Joanna Sequeira

    My son pooped in his pants on the drive home yesterday because I, his mother, didn’t stop when he told me numerous times he had to poop. I still feel like a jerk.

  • Elle

    Aaaaand I’m sure Marlo will love to have this on record, in public, when she is old enough to know about it. I cringe for her in advance.

  • MandaCakes


  • Amy

    Oh i love every single piece of you. You make normal mundane stuff, we as moms deal with on a daily basis, sound funny. My head would have exploded and I would have started speaking in tongues. Sort of like when I called my 10 year a dumb ass after he kicked his older sisters wound to the bone in her shit just for grins and giggles at the arena Sunday, IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY

  • Hanni

    omg…I’m glad I wasn’t drinking anything as I read this. It would be streaming out of my nose right now. What a vivid picture you painted!!!

  • MikaelShort

    Hahahahahaha…. wow. Yes, please go get some sleep. Oh, the joys of potty training.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sunny-Quinn-Archibald/1485017366 Sunny Quinn Archibald

    I just have to say, I love you (and your wicked sense of humor).

  • http://bravissimi.blogspot.com jess crawford!

    THIS IS AMAZING. And horrible. And amazing. Well … I’m glad she pooped?

  • kerry

    And this is why I keep coming back to Dooce. We’ve all been there. My constipation story…well it’s really my husband’s, goes like this: 2 year old crying due to constipation. Frantic parents on phone to advice nurse starting a warm bath. Besides the rectal thermometer up the butt trick, we were told to sit in a warm bath with him and rub his belly. Low and behold after a few minutes of belly rubbing by my husband sitting in the tub with son, out comes the poop. Fills the water with a nice brown liquid. My husband is now sitting in the water along with my son. Priceless.

  • Emily S

    omg I’m laughing so hard. I can only hope that’s not something I have to experience with my child (though, I have had the pleasure of catching vomit).

  • http://twitter.com/_josey_ Josey

    Oh my gosh, I just laughed harder…and harder…and harder at this post. You are frickin’ hysterical, and you are definitely not the first parent to grab a stick of poop and then think NOW WHAT?!

  • HeatherArmstrong

    You’re a peach.

  • http://www.absentmindedhousewife.com/ The Absent Minded Housewife

    My seven year old son interrupted me whilst reading this story to tell me what his fart smelled like. So, bonus for me.

  • Andrea

    Hey everyone, Elle’s here to be a party pooper! Haha, see what I did there?

  • Sara P

    Plain & simple: your gift for creating shit situations into solid gold laughter is unparalleled. Thank you for your candor and the ability to find humor in it all. You’re a rock star Mom; never forget it.

  • http://www.jenguin.com/ Jennifer (Bullock) OwYoung

    Not sure my original comment worked but basically, I’m giggling and crying as I read this in the waiting room. I’m minutes away from finding out if I’m having a boy or girl. And because of that, I’m full of water for the ultrasound. Trying not to pee with laughter too!

  • Brendansmon

    Laughing hysterically!! Love it. You always manage to put into words all the crazy things us parents deal with but are too embarrassed to share. We should all share the craziness.

  • Sharon Harris

    I love you and your children because only here do I read things that make me laugh until I cry. And often pee my pants a little.

  • Nodrog

    My entire childhood from about age 4 was fraught with constipation, pooped pants, and a huge amount of stress and parental mismanagement around one of the most basic parts of being human. It is no laughing matter. I hated pooping due to being punished for not making it to the bathroom in time as a very young child. After that, I always tried to ignore my body, hold it in, and generally be in denial about it which caused a lot of discomfort and pooped pants throughout elementary school and even beyond. I tried to ignore it, but…the smell. This caused major humiliation, stress, and embarrassment in my life well into my teens. Even as an adult, I have a serious aversion to poop jokes or references and still view it as one of the most distasteful parts of being human. I find the idea of anal intercourse profoundly disturbing (even though I know others are fine with it). I didn’t find your story funny or heartwarming. Instead, it reminded me of one of the most unpleasant themes of my childhood. I hope that you can cope with this issue with sensitivity and grace rather than upset and punishment. Her basic lifelong attitude about pooping is at stake. My heart goes out to you and your daughter’s struggle on this issue.

  • dkj

    Anyone who has ever lived with a constipated child knows that no one cares what happens after it comes out AS LONG AS IT COMES OUT. Throw it at a wall for all I care, Kid, just get that poop out of your butt so that we can all go on to live normal lives – until the next bout, anyway.

  • HeatherArmstrong

    I appreciate you sharing this with us, and I’m sorry for your trauma. I assure you that Marlo is never punished for accidents. I do everything I can to help her issues around this with positive encouragement and making sure she takes a supplement that deters physical pain. My point in writing this was to try to find humor in the stress of a morning that was not at all funny while it was happening. If I know I can laugh about it later then I am more likely to remain calm as it’s happening.

  • http://kristanhoffman.com/ Kristan

    O.m.f.g. I’m cracking up and it’s so terrible but I can’t stop.

    I have a dog who regularly eats things that he shouldn’t — and sometimes they don’t have the easiest time coming out the other end — so I can at least sympathize to some degree.

    But oh wait, Heather has one or two of those too, doesn’t she…

  • natalie

    Okay, not exactly the same as a kid, but I totally caught my dogs turd in my hands as she tried to take a dump on my parents pristine white carpets the first time she visited them. In fact, I dove toward her ass from across the room the second she assumed the position, catching the first piece just before it hit the ground. I didn’t know if I should cry in horror or scream in victory.

    My mom saw the whole thing, and has never looked at me the same way.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=829948 Michelle Meredith

    I just LOST MY SHIT reading this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001649913986 Lauren Actkinson-Carlton

    Yep. My entire life revolves around my children’s bodily fluids too. Poop is by far the worst.

  • Myrnie

    Dying over here. Poop is life. We’re moms.

  • Tina Beveridge

    on the contrary, this will be the best discipline tool Heather has in her arsenal when Marlo is 16.

  • Stephanie

    Parenting leaves nothing to the imagination. Rational goes out the window with lack of sleep and stress. You are awesome. Annnndddd my 8 year old just told me NOT to go by the couch cause she farted. Yup. Bodily functions are the norm.

  • http://twitter.com/Spillerena Serena Lily Marie

    After throwing up in my mouth, I called Walgreens and refilled my birth control. Man oh man, I don’t know if I’m ever going to be cut out for motherhood.

  • http://twitter.com/jendalley Jen Dalley

    Oh dooce. It’ll get better ! In the meantime you have some great stories for her first boyfriend :)

  • lizmk

    I’ve done that with a constipated cat. ‘Round these parts, it’s known as a “kitty volcano” and I’m still scarred several years later.

  • marind

    I am getting ready embark on some poop journeys. My 4, almost 5, year old started wetting the bed about a month ago. After several tests and an x-ray, it seems to be stemming from some blockage in the colon. We get to start the process of clearing things out tonight. (And hopefully it does the trick and isn’t something more complicated.) Thank goodness we have a lot of tile in this house. LOL!

  • Amy G

    Hahaha! I think I just peed a little.

  • Jennifer Bryant

    When my now 7 1/2 year old son was but an infant and I a (mostly frantic) new single mom, I was changing his diaper and turned just in time to see that he was shooting out a poop. Without a thought, without hesitation, my hand shot out and I caught it. Then cleaned my hand with a wipe, finished changing him, washed up, and maybe an hour later I realized what I’d done. Took me another hour to recover.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000429747565 Maggie Spitler

    O.M.G. That is the funniest thing I have read in YEARS! I’m sorry, but it’s hilarious! Fifteen years ago, did ya’ ever think? Probably not! lol!Thanks for the laugh; it was definitely needed around here. I must say I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation with my son. At a ball field. After eating grapes. Only, there was no constipation involved. Quite the opposite, actually…it wasn’t funny then, though…hmmm;)

  • bisquiat

    Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant fucking writing.

  • Heidi Shah

    Obviously Elle hasn’t been paying attention. If she had, she’d realize that Marlo will in fact be wearing this event with pride in later years. I mean really, reading comprehension folks.

  • Jen Cox

    This. Was the best post ever. LOL

  • Kimberly

    This was made all the more humorous because my sweet 4 year old did almost the same thing. fortunately it was at bedtime and near a bathroom. Thank you for reminding me it could have been worse! And on a side note, after skiing/sliding down my driveway this morning, it reminded me of your adventure in the ice storm. I do hope your new place is not on a hill.

  • kryssiecat

    OMG I just read that out loud to my fiance over skype. I laughed so hard, I sounded like a squeaky toy(I really should stop smoking so much weed). And it all started with me saying that I didn’t want to have to think about someone else’s shit all the time. Parenting: what I have to look forward to. Thank you for adequately preparing me Heather!

  • http://www.facebook.com/pixie.schultz.5 Pixie Schultz

    I’m giggling so hard right now. And yet, I understand your sleep deprived train of thought. Poor you and poor Marlo!

  • http://allconsuming.com.au/ allconsuming

    Well, look, it was either going to be hers, yours (I can still not unsee that scene of you in the bath…) or Chuck’s. It was solid and (relatively) contained. I’d take it as a win. Now go nap.

  • abby536

    I think she’ll be laughing too hard from reading about the time her Mom pooped in the tub.

  • Sandy

    Who knew there was a 5 second rule with poop to panties?