• jill

    Thank you so much for this! I was unaware of my stress level until all the laughing was making me suck in more oxygen and now I feel better! Better living through poop stories.

  • http://twitter.com/nolongerbroken Kris

    Calling kids names happens some times. I was watching a friends kid once, and he was just being a total jerk. He was about 7 or 8 at the time, and I wasn’t used to kids that age, more used to my son, who was barely a year and a half. So anyhow, he was being a jerk, and I finally looked at him and said stop being such a dingleberry. He was, what the heck is that. And so I gave him the honest answer that a dingleberry is a piece of poop that has stuck to the fur on a dogs behind. Yeah, thank goodness my friend and I have the relationship we do, because he told her I called him dog poop the minute she got there.

  • Mette

    Haha, best poop story I’ve heard in a while :,oD

  • Julie

    Natalie that is funny! Lol

  • Sandi

    This is hilarious, only because of how many times I’ve been in that position myself. My oldest daughter (who is 4) has had those issues all her life. I remember how much trouble she had pooping even as an infant. Doc finally put her on Miralax every day, and now life is better. But there are times (when I forget to give her the stuff) that I still have to worry about what extras have appeared in her pants. It’s awful.

    But? I don’t think I’ve ever actually held any of it directly on my hands. I’m not sure if you’re a hero or just desperately need a nap. Perhaps both?

  • Beth Scimemi

    Since I have the boy versions of your two kids (almost exactly), I know exactly how you found yourself in that position! Thank you for being brave enough to admit on the internet that you held the poop–my day is better for it.

  • Nancy Minchew

    I almost pooped my pants laughing!! So funny – but so real! Just keep on plugging Heather – you are doing GREAT!

  • acm

    Wow, that’s really top-flight parental boot-camp, right there! You do get the circus at times.

    Actually, I spend no time thinking about my kid’s poops, because she’s in that (once thought to be imaginary) phylum of kids who just does it, sometimes one little grape every time she pees, sometimes more normally. NO costipation at all. Of course, we have other things to fret about, but no, this is not a universal concern. In some houses. Sorry about that.

  • Susie

    Thanks for making me laugh- really hard!

  • OM

    Just so we all know: sometimes moving the kid isn’t the best idea either! I worked in a daycare, and these accidents happen often. Once, there was this boy who refuse to admit what had happened… even though he was leaving little brown “crumbs” all over the floor. When I picked him up, everything went down the leg of his pants and rolled to the floor. The kid kept saying that he didn’t poop and I had lots of work afterwards. Now I just laugh, but then… ugh!
    Conclusion? You never know if there was a good reaction to one of these accidents. Good for you for reacting, which is more than many people do!

  • Meg Griswold

    I laughed until I cried. My mom used to take polaroids of me on the toilet as a bribe to get on it. You do what you gotta do.

  • Kelly

    It’s a good thing you don’t punish her for accidents, because she’ll have enough of that in a few years when one of her classmates finds this post.

  • Carrie

    *dies laughing*

  • amy (dishondesigngal)

    OMG. And I’m saying that for me as much as you. I read about this a few hours ago, and may have LOL to myself just a bit and then walked upstairs to find my dog had pooped (diarrhea) ALL over the carpeted floor of my office. I am STILL cleaning it up. shit. I mean… ugh.

  • Amy

    Tears are seriously streaming down my face!

  • Lisa

    As a mommy of 2….I had to laugh. I have been there. So tired you don’t make rational decisions. And so worried about your kids pooping that you end up with handfuls of poop.

  • http://www.facebook.com/michele.rowe.33 Michele Rowe

    Arse-nal…get it? I have no doubt that Marlo will find it funnier that her mom had her hands full of poop.

  • Chez Sanderosa

    As I am a fellow parent of a child almost the same age as Marlo, I must know the name of this fiber supplement. And the amount you give her. Like yesterday! And seriously, who knew we’d think about someone else’s poop as much as we do?!

  • http://twitter.com/amandarants Amanda J. Pittman

    There are so many things I want to say right now, but I can’t, because I’m not ready for the internet to know. Related: I think you and my mom could exchange stories.

  • Stacey B

    Best.post.EVER! God, I’m still laughing 30 minutes later. And I can so relate, as both my girls had these “issues.”

  • Roberta

    OMG! Laughing my ass off! not at you – WITH you.

  • ALG

    Oh, Dooce – I have not been reading your blog regularly the past few years because I, too, have been going through HUGE changes. In 2011, a week after the long-awaited and blessed arrival of the second child we tried 4-1/2 years and endured a year of fertility treatment to conceive, my husband of 11 years decided he didn’t know if he wanted to be married anymore. ONE WEEK AFTER OUR BABY’S BIRTH. Three months later, my dad died in a motorcycle accident. Three months after that, my husband unilaterally decided that, yeah, he didn’t think “we” could be happy together going forward. Needless to say, 2011 sucked ass. And then came 2012, or what I like to call “The Year of Rebirth.” Divorce filed in January, job secured in March (I had been a stay-at-home mom for 4-1/2 years), house put on market in June, house pulled off market in August when ex decided to buy me out and stay there, divorce finalized in September, closed on my new house in October and moved the first weekend in November, and then we were robbed right after Thanksgiving (Welcome to the neighborhood!). Blessedly, mercifully, 2013 has thus far been a relatively QUIET and PEACEFUL year – and I pray it stays that way. Life is good. Change is okay. The future is exciting. Knowing you’ve been going through your own version of all of this is oddly comforting. I hope you’re doing okay, and that your kids are adjusting as well as mine are. Good things away, lady – best of luck to you in your new home and your new life!

  • Cristy

    Six kids, one of which was special needs (finally put a TV in the master bedroom). The special neesd daughter could shit like there was no tomorrow! I spent many, many years up to my elbows in poop! If you don’t laugh at those awkward situations you will cry. And with all the commotion in my house, there was no time for tears! Praise the lord for my empty nest!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • SherrieB

    This is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages – love it!

  • Genelle Gardner

    Oh thank you. I needed a good laugh today. And I’m so sorry for you too. Grossness! :)

  • Lizzy

    In my mind, the dude should have named himself Pope Dooce, because not even he, holy that he is, can claim to have CAUGHT HIS DAUGHTER’S POOP IN HER HANDS. You. so. win.

  • HeatherArmstrong

    Good god. You have endured so much. Your strength is inspiring. Thank you for sharing this.

  • HeatherArmstrong

    Miralax. One dose everyday in her morning juice. It totally works for her.

  • susan

    oh my dear lord, tears are streaming down my face……I can so totally relate…….I just can’t stop laughing….oh my!!

  • HeatherO

    After a long hiatus from blogs I now remember why yours was an essential part of my week.
    I laughed so hard I cried and the dog is looking at me strange.

  • http://mydarlingmydear.blogspot.com/ tamara

    hahaha i was eating while i read this, yikes!!! i once let a kid i nannied for poop in my hand… his parents had him hang out without bottoms while he was potty training and he was *always* constipated. he would lean against the wall to try to go, which usually didn’t work. then one day it did. i think it’s probably even worse when it’s not your kid. : )

  • cnico

    Nodrog… I’d just like to add that if you do indeed have “a serious aversion to poop jokes or references”, then this is not the blog for you! I, too, am really sorry about your childhood/teenage trauma as it sounds absolutely horrible and I hope you are able to heal. But you do perhaps need to consider that poop is a big part of dooce… and roll with it…. or maybe find another poop-less blog. Best wishes.

  • cnico

    I’m with Heather… you are in inspiration…maybe mercury was in regrograde the past 2 yrs? just want to say that I too went thru hell the past couple of yrs… beginning in mid-July 2011 when my mom was attacked by racoons (don’t laugh, it was terrible, she was bitten all over and they kept coming back to attack her after they knocked her over and she couldn’t get up) at 80, broke her ankle; bedridden for 6 mos while steadily declining, I had to move to Dallas to take care of her; mentally ill brother briefly put in charge of her affairs, he locked me out of her house, triggered PTSD from childhood; I was re-instated in charge of things, I got her back home finally and she passed away only 4 days later; after saying he “never wanted any of her money” he filed an extremely stressful, completely unnecessary lawsuit against me; 6 mos later my high paying scientific consulting job went away overnight due to a new Repub governor in NM; sold my house the next month; moved to MX 2 mos later after deciding in my late 50s I did not want to return to cubicle land working for idiot jerks in the consulting world… I’ve been here a year and I think I am still suffering the effects of so much stress for so long…. eg my adrenal glands gave up after dealing with so much stress for so long (making me constantly anxious and irritable) and my thyroid gland is also out of whack (works closely with the adrenals)… which causes an extreme lack of energy and depression. But ALG and dooce… I too think the future is exciting and that life is good…. and yesterday when I was so blue, I decided to practice gratitude and I started saying out loud all the things I am so grateful for… of which there are many… and it helped so much to shift into gratitude and abundance mode. Life…. it is always going to throw us some curves, we just have to get back up, get some adrenal/thyroid support if we need it (!) and keep moving on.

  • http://twitter.com/crystallayland Crystal Layland

    So sorry this happened to you but who am I kidding, I totally can’t stop laughing! Well wishes in the new home.